Sunday, 5 January 2014

The Experiment Begins

It's week one of my voyage to the Grey Havens, or going cold turkey on the hair dye if you prefer.

I have announced my rejection of the tyranny of L'Oreal, Nice 'n' Easy and their ilk online and shown everyone and anyone who can't get out of the way fast enough my newly emerging badger streak in my hairline.


With my hair as you see it above, along with a distinct lack of make up, I ventured as far as the local Co-Op to forage for essential supplies.

I stood with my trolley, blocking an aisle, as I gazed speculatively at a display of reduced price Christmas biscuits. "Oh, sorry," I said to the chap coming the other way with his trolley, whose way I had entirely got in. "No problem," he smiled, and we went on our different ways.

As I stood in front of the display of 3 for a tenner bottled beer, deliberating over which to choose, the same chap hove into a view again. He came straight over to me and made some jokey remark about choosing any of them, they're all beer, they all do the job. I laughed politely and went back to my perusal.

Undeterred my new friend then, somewhat clumsily, tried to ascertain whether I was single or not. "I bet you've got a toy boy or someone to help you drink those."

I made a non-committal answer about how choosing the beer was a big responsibility so I had to give it my full concentration. That should have closed things down, but no, he was persistent. He struck up conversation with a nearby shelf stacker about my choosing beer. I got referred to as "this young lady here." I ignored it all.  In a final attempt to assess my availability he asked me which beer my husband liked. "Abbott," I replied, "but I already have that." I gave him a big smile and that was that.

Fair play though, meeting new people is hard and the supermarket is as good a place to give it a go as any.

I told my husband all about it when I got home. I explained my experiment, the lack of cosmetics involved in that shopping trip, and how I hadn't expected any attempted shenanigans in the biscuit aisle. He has learned well over the years and dutifully answered that of course I always look lovely and besides "that top does make your tits look enormous".

Hah! and Ahah!

"But I had a bloody great coat on," I said. "I wasn't sashaying about in just my top, it's freezing out there."

The results of this week's experiment are therefore that:
  • No one has noticed I am deliberately allowing the seven stages of ageing* to wreak havoc upon my person
  • Local men in the Co-Op are attracted to women who are purchasing beer, which seems a sensible evolutionary process to me
* What are the seven stages of ageing you may ask? I am not sure. I heard the phrase in an advert for some skincare product once upon a time  - " only Oil of Uglay combats the seven stages of ageing" -  and have never forgotten it. I think the stages break down as follows:
  1. Grey hairs
  2. Wrinkles
  3. Elasticated waistbands
  4. Comfortable Shoes
  5. Coke bottle glasses
  6. Cobwebs
  7. Going on fire
If you know better please do fill me in.

4 comments:

Ceeej said...

Not to dampen your Darwinian hopes, there's a recession, men are attracted to women who can afford beer.

Luka Sooxter said...

Exactly, seems a sensible progression to me!

Walker said...

I think sexy is who you are and the makeup, hair color and the flattering clothes are just accessories you like to wear to satisfy an illusion.
If you feel sexy, your body language shows it without you even trying.
You just may attract more attention now than before ;)

Luka Sooxter said...

Walker, you are so right. Body language is so important - when I'm walking tall, queen of the world, there isn't any beauty product on the market that can equal that.