Saturday, 18 June 2011

Look

I have been gone, as you may have noticed, for quite a while. I had things to do in the Big Room.

Now I am back and eager to establish whether I have missed anything. I suspect not, but you never know.

Blogland is not how I left it. It is an ever shifting landscape, with blogs closing, blogs opening, bloggers leaving, bloggers returning, bloggers changing their identities, their genres, their partners, their minds. An absence of more than a day or two leaves the satirical blog saboteur at a disadvantage. Where is my material hiding itself these days?

I need to take a look around. It is good to see many of my
favourite people still actively posting. But what of those whose old blogs languish limply at the bottom of my inspirational blogroll, to the right? What are they doing now? Why aren't they here, with a cake and balloon and maybe a picture of their arse or a post about being smeared with taramasalata and then taped to the dishwasher? Perhaps they are all busy in the Big Room too.

Still, hundreds of sex blogs and bloggers, only one Luka. I can't look for them all. This is where you, dear, lone, languishing, loyal reader, come in. I need you to do some of the looking for me. Do you know the whereabouts of any fugitive sex bloggers? Maybe someone who used to post about group sex on a coffee shop sofa and who now posts about childcare arrangements, flowers or knitted cushion covers? Maybe someone who used to write at length, with pictures, about their legendary conquests and who now publishes articles on gardening, grouting and bicycle maintenance?

Perhaps you are a lost blogger yourself, someone who has given up the effort of writing lengthy blog posts in favour of the immediacy of Facebook or Twitter. Possibly you just couldn't see the point in continuing, now that the glory days of blogs and book deals are long gone. If so, and you happen to be reading this, unlikely as it seems, do reveal yourself. (No, not on the webcam. That's so noughties.)

Update me. Let me know where to look.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

The Return

I would have got someone to water the plants
And to cancel the papers and milk
I would have got someone to hold all my calls
And perform other tasks of that ilk

I would have asked someone to please feed the fish
And to turn out the lights I left on
I would have made somebody check on the gimp
If I'd known I'd be gone for so long!