Saturday, 6 August 2011

These Pants Aint Big Enough for the Both of Us

It is very difficult to get into my pants unless you happen to be me.

It's not that they are too small or tight. Quite the reverse. They are capacious, roomy, capable of fitting both my plentiful arse and a medium-sized roast chicken within their cotton/lycra confines should I so choose. They are big pants.

No, my pants are not going to be accessible for most because of the defensive forcefield surrounding them. An impenetrable barrier of superiority, self-worth, occasional violence and a triple stitched reinforced gusset.

Only the most interesting and determined of adventurers will get into my pants and even then the chances are I've already slipped out of them and into a concrete girdle.

What am I banging on about now, you may wonder? Simply this: the ease of getting into certain people's pants. I marvel at the free and easy nature of those sex bloggers who remove their undergarments for friends, partners, photos and readers with gay abandon. "Dear Mystery Blogger X," writes the enthusiastic reader, "I love your blog. Let's meet in the nearest budget hotel without delay and throw caution, and our pants, to the wind."

"You're on," replies Mystery Blogger X and the next thing you know there's another award winning blog post in the bag.

But where's the challenge, where's the mystery in such encounters? I blame our instant gratification culture. Life in soundbites. Long conversations, the art of letter writing, even lengthy blog posts have all declined in popularity as the convenience of instant messaging, Facebook and Twitter updates submerge more creative, time consuming passions. People view online personas much as they would peruse a fast food menu - lots of colourful photos of glossy dishes that bear little resemblance to what you eventually unwrap - and order accordingly. I'll have that one. And if it's taking too long I'll have that one instead.

Here in the Boudoir we'll have none of that. Fast is not a word which applies to me in any context. Obtaining anything of worth takes a certain investment of time which is why my pants remain so impenetrable to the casual chancer. That and the high elastane content.

6 comments:

Ms Robinson said...

I am kind of glad that I am not the only one who more or less stopped blogging. It's good to see you manage it now and then. I am torn between writing and just resting on those halcyon days of 07-08.

PateInduced said...

So that's why I yawn during Blogger's race to the goal.

Ok, so do tights slide down to your knees on the way to the girl's comfort station at work?

thepostmanalwaysrings said...

I like long emails and big pants, if anyone's listening :)

Sex Nerd said...

I never lower my pants in cheap budget motels. I need four stars and a fully-stocked minibar at least!

Luka said...

Ms R - Like any long term relationship it is hard to maintain the same level of intensity and frequency as there was in the early days.

Pateinduced - I never wear tights due to the fact that the gusset only ever seems to reach knee height in the first place, never mind sliding down to them.

Postman - I'm listening.

Sex Nerd - good for you! Standards cost nothing!

Rumpled Muse said...

Love your blog! I just started my own, I know way late but it's a good time for me and since the way has been paved many times over the pressure is off right?f
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