Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Special Offer

"Bank Holiday Bonus Bundle" the email proclaims, complete with jolly exclamation mark. It's a bumper bonus Easter special, a popular assortment of sex toys at a bargain price!

Who, I wonder, is this aimed at? I don't know about anyone else but Easter, to me, means a crazy weekend of work and as much chocolate as I can eat. To others it means roast dinners with the family, maybe a Simnel Cake, a hot cross bun or two. To still others it means Jesus dying for our sins (then popping up again a few days later for a wave and a cheerio) and a nice church service.

Bank Holiday weekends. I can see the link when promoting (optimistically, given the typical British weather, I grant you) barbecues, outdoor furniture, and lawnmowers. I can see why people in the holiday mood might want to stock up on food and drink, examine the sales in sofa/carpet/DIY warehouses or visit tourist attractions.

But who, exactly, thinks "Ah, the Easter holidays eh? Four-day weekend, right? I better buy a Bank Holiday bundle of batteries, lube and a selection of vibrators." Who associates an extra Sunday with a need to buy as many budget sex toys as possible?

Emails along similar lines appear in my inbox prior to every public holiday and special event throughout the year. Halloween, Christmas, New Year, the Grand National, the Olympics, the General Election - all have their own dedicated sex toy promotional email. I know a wank is good for relieving the tension in times of stress, but really, my initial requirements for most of these occasions are usually more clothing or refreshment oriented. I don't often think "fuck almighty, if only I had a pink rabbit-style vibrator at a discount price for this Shrove Tuesday." A pink vibrating silicon dong might keep me occupied for a bit but even so, that still leaves 23 hours 42 minutes of Bank Holiday tedium to fill - 23 hours 42 minutes which might be better serviced with a plentiful supply of food and drink to be consumed upon my new sofa.

Am I out of step with this? Are my priorities hopelessly skewed? Are the rest of you planning a marathon masturbatory Easter Monday while the kids are out egg hunting? Does the thought of a public holiday send you running to the closet with a cry of "I haven't a thing to fetishwear"? What's the most bizarre offer to be found in your inbox?

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Masturbation
  1. The longest wank session in history was by 15 year old Kevin Spodder who, while left alone at home after his parents won a luxury round the world cruise on a TV gameshow, indulged in a 91 day tugathon. During this time Kevin only left his room and laptop to order pizza, fetch more loo roll and go to the lavatory. His amazing feat was not without personal cost - he suffered terribly from dehydration and chafing - but Kevin staunchly maintains that if his parents were, once more, to leave the house for an extended period he would do it all again.
  2. While it is commonly believed that humans are so highly developed we enjoy sex for fun whereas animals have sex mainly for procreation the reality is that many species apart from man indulge in masturbation. Female dolphins, for example, have been observed using mackerel as masturbatory aids, whereas orangutans fashion dildos from wood or bark. The proof of the high intelligence of these mammals is not that they use sex toys for solo pleasure but that they refrain from endlessly reviewing them afterwards.
  3. Masturbation is directly responsible for the development and continued enhancement of webcam technology.
  4. It is also the driving factor behind the invention and development of the internet, mobile phones, vibration technology, mansize tissues, prize winning marrows and body lotion.
  5. While many religions condemn masturbation as a sin none have ever adequately explained why a deity would design a body with the genitals within arms reach if they didn't want them to be fiddled with.
  6. In the course of his lifetime the average male will masturbate enough times to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with spunk and use enough tissues to create a life size papier mache model of Barry White.
  7. In the course of her lifetime the average female will masturbate enough times to fill a sex blog with daily award winning descriptive posts for 15 years and use enough batteries to power an atomic submarine.
  8. The earliest known depiction of masturbation is shown in a cave painting in southwestern France. The scene features bison, deer and hunters gripping what at first glance appear to be spears.
  9. The term "wanker" was first coined by Shakespeare in Henry IV Part One. In Act 5, Scene 1 an exasperated Henry utters the immortal line "No truly, tis more than manners will; and I have heard it said that unbidden guests are often welcomest when they are gone. Especially that fat wanker Falstaff."
  10. While no one still believes that masturbation causes harmful effects such as hairy palms and blindness it is worth remembering that it can still cause cramp and a loss of vehicular control.

Monday, 22 March 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Anal Sex
  1. Only 5% of the population regularly engage in anal sex.
  2. 3% of this number are sex bloggers.
  3. A staggering 87% of sex bloggers write about anal sex.
  4. 85% of this number do not have anal sex in reality. This is due to their heads obscuring access.
  5. Anal sex was invented by Arthur Pewtey of 2 Lancaster Gardens, Chiswick, in 1973 when he slipped while stepping naked over the coffee table and accidentally impaled himself on a rolled up copy of the Radio Times.
  6. The biggest butt plug in the world is currently owned by Mystery Sex Blogger X who was sent it to review in 2005. Unfortunately it got wedged in the letterbox upon delivery and despite the application of several thousand gallons of lube there it remains to this day. It is crafted in fluorescent purple medical grade silicon and has the famous Latin motto "unus sursum bum haud vulnero perfectus"* inscribed upon it.
  7. Despite commonsense precautions and the use of enemas anal sex still results in over 52 million poo spores exploding into the atmosphere and settling in your butter dish every time you take it up the Spam Fritter.
  8. Haemorrhoids can be temporarily relieved by anal sex as they are pushed back into the rectal cavity through dynamic thrusting actions.
  9. But they do fall out your arse again later like a sack of water balloons. Swings and roundabouts really.
  10. Anal sex is illegal in every country in the world!

*One up the bum, no harm done.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Stroppiness and Floppiness

I don't get on well with male sex bloggers.

I don't get on well with all female sex bloggers, true, but I do get on with at least some of them. I exchange emails, I engage in chat, I share the occasional glass of wine and bowl of cheesecake, that sort of thing.

The male sex bloggers though are a different matter. I am not matey with any of them. I have pondered long and hard on why this might be so and have concluded that this is largely due to the fact that I am not one to comment adoringly and send fan mail. I am more one to read, enjoy, and then take the piss. And why not? There are already legions of soggy-gusseted women out there boosting male sex blogger egos and angling for a fumble. When I scroll through those "ooh, that was hot" or "I wish it was me hogtied over the footstool with a gladioli up my arse" comments I couldn't possibly post anything but silliness. Which leads to not posting anything at all much of the time. Oh, those male sex bloggers can be a humourless lot.

It's all so one dimensional. It appears that unless there is a potential fuck in the offing - no matter how unlikely, just as long as the faint hint of promise is there - your average male sex blogger just isn't going to bother with even basic acknowledgement, let alone conversation. Perhaps this is a case of perceived rudeness on both sides.

It all seems awfully shallow but what else could possibly explain my lack of male sex blogger buddies? The alternative is that I am just terribly annoying and unlikeable - and that, surely, can't be right.

If you are - or have befriended - a male sex blogger do let me know where I am going wrong. Remember to mark your entry "If you're not a groupie I go droopy" and send to the usual address.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Look At My New Underwear HNT

It has been quite a while since I treated myself to decadent underwear. During the long, cold winter I have bought industrial strength knickers, sturdy bras and warm woolly tights but I haven't bought anything frivolous for far too long.

Maybe it's because spring is in the offing, maybe it's because I needed a boost, maybe it's because I drank a bottle of Pinot Grigio and went shopping online. Whatever the reason I found myself happily accepting a parcel from the postman (is there anything finer than sending yourself a present and not remembering until the package arrives?) and hurriedly retiring to the Boudoir to try on my new garments.

I was so pleased with the results I took a few poor quality webcam shots so I could share my nylon-clad pillowy thighs with the world.

Anyone who thinks purple leopard print is a bad choice for the wobbly of belly is clearly misguided. It is the only choice for those who want to look like they have lovebites all over their (lilac) ladyparts. A mottled mons effect, that's what I, as a big woman, have been waiting for.

I decided to share my pillowy bosoms with the world too. The pendant is a gift from a friend and I am pleased I now have underwear to match. I will think of her every time I put on my purple leopard print mega pants.
Here you go, this is the whole ensemble. What do you think?




Monday, 1 March 2010

Fantasy

At some point in the conversation there will come a variation on the following question: "what do you want?"

They want me to articulate my desires, my fantasies, my preferences and needs. "What do you like to do?" they ask, hoping for a lurid, lubed-up, lust-fuelled depiction of my erotic escapades.

I can't be bothered to answer most of the time. Writing about my libidinous tendencies tires me out far more than enacting them. It is dull, it does not arouse me and it would be misrepresentative. I spend more time thinking about cheese than I do about orgasms. I want wine, happiness and shoes more than I want it up the arse. I suck sweets more often than I suck cock. And I am very happy with that. I enjoy my sex life, I value that facet of myself, but I do not rate it more highly than all the other threads in my intricately woven life.

However, for those of you who really would like to know what my innermost desire is right now, my ultimate fantasy, I am going to share the following scenario. I hope it warms you in all your important places. It does me.

*****

"Come," he breathes, leading me by the hand into his shoe shop and off licence. "I want to see you drinking Pinot Grigio and trying on slingbacks." He is a charming man - funny, articulate, with warm hands and a delightful smell.

"Oh my, this is all so sudden!" I gasp, accepting a large glass of something chilled and strolling over to the knee high boots. "Goodness, you don't often see boots so perfectly tailored for the larger calf."

"Your big legs are beautiful. Let us retire to my flat above the shoe shop and off licence and I will massage them with this gorgeously scented oil. Relax on this rug before the open fire and allow me to massage all of your aching muscles. I shall put your wine just here, see, and get you a straw."

"Mmmm....you're very good at that. There aren't many shoe shop and off licence owners who could give a hot oil massage without becoming uncomfortably aroused and trying to lift my towel off my buttocks with their stiffy."

"No need to concern yourself on that score. While I obviously find you incredibly attractive I am actually just going to give you the massage you so desire and alleviate your aches and pains. This is not about me getting my rocks off and all about making you feel good."

"Fuck me!"

"No. I am concentrating on un-knotting the tension between your shoulders. Then I shall run you a hot bath and pop out briefly for a bar of Galaxy."

"Will you get me a kebab and a bag of doughnuts too? And then can I put on my dressing gown and watch zombie films while you bring me drinks and play with my hair?"

"Of course!"

"Oh my god. That's it. You have it all. I have it all. I have had an allgasm!"

****

So there you have it. My fantasy. How does it measure up to yours?