Monday, 14 June 2010


It's all the rage these days, burlesque.

Everywhere you look there are workshops, classes, performances, news articles and clothing companies all jumping onto the burlesque bandwagon. Burlesque enables women to embrace their femininity, sensuality and sexuality in a positive, empowering way, apparently. It isn't just about getting pissed with your girlfriends, putting on several layers of marabou feathers and tightly winched elastic and then taking them all off again while jiggling around on the village hall stage with your tits out. That's just a common misconception based on most amateur burlesque acts seen on YouTube or at fringe festivals.

The reason burlesque is on my mind is that I received a special online offer earlier today, on pasties. I was very excited until I realised this wasn't a Greggs deal on meat and potato pastry products. It has nothing to do with pies at all. No, these pasties are little sticky-on tasseled, sequined things that you put on your nipples to entertain and delight. Like these:

Now, I have a problem here. I have made enquiries and they just don't make pasties that fit the larger-nippled woman. Those dinky little fairy hats wouldn't cover my extensive areolae. If I am to take up burlesque I am going to have to make my own out of a couple of paper plates and some glitter glue.

It is much the same story with the rest of the burlesque attire. If you are a wasp-waisted Dita Von Teese type you'll have no problem finding gorgeous retro-style corsetry. If you are a beer-bellied Luka Van Driver type you may find it more of a quest.

Still, I am nothing if not resourceful.. Therefore, undaunted, I give you a whole new art form: burlyesque.

It is much like burlesque but is exclusively performed by burly women. Or men. I am all for equality. All you need is a willingness to embrace your sexuality, some sequins, a feather boa and the ability to heft a hundredweight bag of coal while taking your tights off. The first burlyesque workshop will be held in the basement of the Boudoir next Tuesday 7pm. Bring your own pasties. (Pies accepted).


Helga Hansen said...

I've found that flattened cup cake papers make excellent pasties (of the non-meat-n-two-veg variety), and these days they come in all sorts of cool patterns!

I've also found glazed icing helps keep them on, until one starts "glowing" (read sweating profusely), and then the papers begin a long slow sticky trail down my belly...

I'd love to join your class, but should just ask if the pole has been properly cemented into the floor? I don't want to be bringing the roof down!

Some Chilean Woman said...

Love you for this post! I have the same 'problem'. But when I think about it, little areolae need attention drawn to them - my big ones don't need any more attention, they're showy just as they are.

Heff said...

DAMNIT ! Her hearts are in the right place !

unique_stephen said...

I'm not in to burlesque.
Not into being teased.
I want a sure thing.
Not for me the humorous and seductive removal of cloths - not unless I know for sure she's going to grab hold of my cock and fulfill me.

My kink is that I want to be wanted - just the same as I want her.

To know that this this trip - pleasure in itself, irrevocably ends in pleasure

Ceeej said...

Pah, I've been willingly embracing my sexuality for years now, I'm not afraid of it.

The feather boa and sequins have been reserved for my 'special' nights in though, are you suggesting I should get them out of the closet and bring them along?

Carnalis said...

A Burly Curly Club .. i'm there!

We could use discarded lambs' tails as tassels.

Indi said...

I like it. I think I will add black leather shoe laces to my titties... and ride my bike bare back oooooow arrrrrr chilly titties. I would most certainly have some followers there.



Luka said...

Helga - Cup cake papers, eh? I like your thinking. I can see all sorts of possibilities with icing and glace cherrries.

I can assure you all health and safety issues have been given my customary attention.

Some Chilean Woman - This is true but it still won't stop me from making my own pasties out of hubcaps.

Heff - They certainly are :)

Unique Stephen - There's no more powerful aphrodisiac than being found desireable, it's true. But if burlesque doesn't do it for you please consider the more upfront charms of my burlyesque movement. There's not much teasing but you do get your furniture moved and a pork pie at the end.

Ceeej - I am suggesting exactly that. I want you to look purty.

Carnalis - Excellent. I may also try bell pulls or curtain tie-backs for variety.

Indi - I would pay good money to see that.

Sulpicia said...

"extensive areolae"

you can bring the sexy to all words.

i will pay a hefty cover charger for burlyesque should this art-form reach my town. i'm willing to supply pie plates.

supporter s

Luka said...

Sulpicia - I pride myself on my sensual and evocative way with words.

Believe you me, Burlyesque is gonna be huge. It's pretty big to start with.

Taryn said...

I've seen some larger pasties! I guess it depends who you buy them from. I love your Burlyesque idea, Burlesque is supposed to be accessible to all after all!

Luka said...

Taryn - There may well be suppliers out there who provide larger pasties but I prefer to indulge in the comic possibilities of making my own. I am all for accessibility and will continue to bring Burlyesque to the masses. Well, to you lot anyway.

Boxer said...

Wow. I started my blog in April 2007 and yours was one of the first that I followed. You, Ms. R and J.Cake. I must have a thing for witty British women? Anyhoo, congrats, congrats, you truly are fabulous.