Everywhere you look there are workshops, classes, performances, news articles and clothing companies all jumping onto the burlesque bandwagon. Burlesque enables women to embrace their femininity, sensuality and sexuality in a positive, empowering way, apparently. It isn't just about getting pissed with your girlfriends, putting on several layers of marabou feathers and tightly winched elastic and then taking them all off again while jiggling around on the village hall stage with your tits out. That's just a common misconception based on most amateur burlesque acts seen on YouTube or at fringe festivals.
The reason burlesque is on my mind is that I received a special online offer earlier today, on pasties. I was very excited until I realised this wasn't a Greggs deal on meat and potato pastry products. It has nothing to do with pies at all. No, these pasties are little sticky-on tasseled, sequined things that you put on your nipples to entertain and delight. Like these:
Now, I have a problem here. I have made enquiries and they just don't make pasties that fit the larger-nippled woman. Those dinky little fairy hats wouldn't cover my extensive areolae. If I am to take up burlesque I am going to have to make my own out of a couple of paper plates and some glitter glue.
It is much the same story with the rest of the burlesque attire. If you are a wasp-waisted Dita Von Teese type you'll have no problem finding gorgeous retro-style corsetry. If you are a beer-bellied Luka Van Driver type you may find it more of a quest.
Still, I am nothing if not resourceful.. Therefore, undaunted, I give you a whole new art form: burlyesque.
It is much like burlesque but is exclusively performed by burly women. Or men. I am all for equality. All you need is a willingness to embrace your sexuality, some sequins, a feather boa and the ability to heft a hundredweight bag of coal while taking your tights off. The first burlyesque workshop will be held in the basement of the Boudoir next Tuesday 7pm. Bring your own pasties. (Pies accepted).