Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

  1. While many people believe that typing smut one-handed to an online acquaintance does not count as infidelity the truth is it can lead to marital discord and genital trauma, especially if you forget to erase your chat history before your partner returns from the shops.
  2. In the days before webcam technology and high speed broadband the concept of just waggling your bits on camera until they went off seemed a far distant futuristic fantasy. Early cybersex was very much like early computer games - entirely text-based and taking all night to plough through. This was not altogether a bad thing as it meant only the literate could indulge and those unable to string a coherent sentence together were left to languish in online libido limbo until Twitter was invented.
  3. Although widely regarded as a completely safe sex activity, cybersex can lead to soreness, irritation and copious discharge.
  4. Never assume cybersex is a private act. Transcripts of your steamy exchange with Well_Hung_Studmuffin69 may well crop up on various social networking sites or provide valuable blog-fodder.
  5. The most commonly used word in cybersex exchanges is "yes". The most commonly used non-word is "mmmm".
  6. The least commonly used phrase is "no". The least commonly used non-word is "wheeeee".
  7. The most commonly used opening line for those initiating cybersex is "what are you wearing?" The most successful opening line, however, is "I have just paid £20 into your Paypal account. Now get your kit off".
  8. The most annoying question in cybersex is "what do you want me to do now?" or any variation thereof. The answer is always going to be "fuck off", "pay £20 into my Paypal account", or "develop some way of allowing me to zap just enough volts through your keyboard when you type such inane drivel to leave you essentially unharmed but with terribly soiled trackie bottoms."
  9. While cybersex can involve two or more participants it is still just elaborate wanking.
  10. Spodging into a sock while watching middle aged sex bloggers overseas wobbling their breasts about on cam does not mean you have lost your virginity. Only your dignity. And that £20.


Carnalis said...

*teenagery sniggering*

i don't know what you are talking about, oh no oh no nuffin' to do with me guv.

I see you make no mention of that essential skill of 'fudging it' when one has typed "mmmm" in the wrong window ...

Heff said...

wheeee !

Luka said...

Bugger. I think I hit reject instead of publish on the last 3 comments I had here.

If you commented and it hasn't appeared I apologise. I am a clueless fucktard who shouldn't moderate comments while half asleep. If you can be arsed, please resend.

Ceeej said...

Nope, sorry, it's gone... Must have been a fleeting moment of either genius or insanity