Saturday, 8 May 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Sex Blogging
  1. Despite the proliferation of sex-themed blogs on the net these are the work of just 5 sex bloggers, which is the sex blogging community in its entirety.
  2. The reason people believe there are so many more sex bloggers than this is because these 5 bloggers are in constant flux, closing blogs, re-opening them, changing their names, changing their partners, changing their preferences, starting new lists, new communities, closing them again, getting exposed and then reinventing themselves and beginning the cycle anew.
  3. Sex bloggers do not have as much sex as you might think. Their sexual encounters mainly consist of photographing their own body parts, masturbating and writing pornographic emails to other sex bloggers.
  4. When a sex blogger does have sex it is nearly always with another sex blogger. This provides valuable material for both parties. With care they can stretch the tale of a quick lunch-hour seeing-to in a Travelodge over 4 or 5 posts and blogging the inevitable falling-out, getting back together and splitting up again can be spread over a further few 6 weeks.
  5. The first sex blogger posted under the name of Peachy Keen on the popular blog "I'm a Happy Hooker - the sensual exploits of a girl on the game" in 1994. Peachy went on to build up a huge fanbase, had several books published and a mini-series made for TV before being exposed as Derek Dirtbox, a 56 year old mechanic from Dagenham.
  6. Sex bloggers have more self-awarded award systems than any other blogging group.
  7. The most comments ever received on a sex blog post was a staggering 5067 on an entry called "Fuck Me, I'm a Rogue" - a fascinating insight into why the author only shags fit birds (no fat chicks) - on the popular blog "Caddish Cunt". Of those 5067 comments 5065 were from females sending their overwhelming approval and damp underwear to Caddish Cunt. The remaining 2 were less approving and from fat chicks.
  8. On average sex bloggers start posting about non-sex-related items after just 2 months. The only bloggers who can post relentlessly on just one topic are special individuals who carry notebooks and find it hard to maintain conversations at parties.
  9. The most earnest sex bloggers are those who label themselves as sex positive and educational. They write very long, worthy posts and engage in intellectual debate about feminism and sex workers. Their blogs still have lots of pictures of tits and arse though, so you can still have a wank.
  10. Despite the number of adverts, promotions and outright pleas for cash found on most sex blogs, sex blogging is not a good way to make a living. All 5 sex bloggers are forced to supplement their incomes by dancing for pennies outside PC World or giving handjobs to sailors. They make it sound good when they blog about it later but it's no way to live.


Anonymous said...

Back when AOL was fun I started an e.zine. That was in 1997; created and e.mailed to subscribers weekly. It's a blog now. No charge. No ads. Always has been free. Back in 1997 it included erotic short stories. That fell away when the writers ran out of stories!

Now there's just an annual "Kinky Story Contest" and some of those are quite creative.

I guess I'm not sure what a "sex blog" is??

Tom Allen said...

Dang, I am *so* busted!

drowninginthenight said...

Ha ha I love it! You have described my blog perfectly! Just kidding...

Ceeej said...

As many as five you say?

I'm amazed. Are they all male?

I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise that they don't have time for real life sex given the amount of work they must put into writing about it.

trumpeter said...

A blog post is always either a boast or a whinge. There's nothing else.

Helga Hansen said...

LMAO! Just sprayed coffee all over my keyboard when I read the word 'Travelodge' - I think I remember reading such a blog not too long ago - by a mutual acquaintance, methinks? Well, he might still be yours, but he's long since banished me to the doldrums! :D

Heff said...

Gee, I could have SWORN i visited more than 30 sex blogs just this morning, lol !

...perhaps I'm mistaken....

Happy said...

Lunch hour seeing-to's don't really work in Travelodges. You can't check in till 3pm and you have to leave by noon...

Nonetheless, for those of us who are forced to shag on a tight budget, the budget hotel chains provide a much needed haven.

Jefferson said...

Where does one find these sailors?

Luka said...

Anonymous - it is an elastic title used as an all-purpose term when encompassing the saucier end of the blogotrope.

Tom - you know it.

Drowning in the Night - my powers of perception are legendary.

Ceeej - They are all male except for the one that's a computer program.

Trumpeter - sometimes it's a recipe.

Helga - I have no such acquaintance I assure you.

Heff - it's an illusion. A good one, but an illusion nonetheless.

Happy - all right, Mr Pedantic. I don't need the facts I just need something with the right number of syllables to fit my rants.

Jefferson - you can find them down the docks, with the sex bloggers. Follow the sound of tossed pennies.