Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

  1. While many people believe that typing smut one-handed to an online acquaintance does not count as infidelity the truth is it can lead to marital discord and genital trauma, especially if you forget to erase your chat history before your partner returns from the shops.
  2. In the days before webcam technology and high speed broadband the concept of just waggling your bits on camera until they went off seemed a far distant futuristic fantasy. Early cybersex was very much like early computer games - entirely text-based and taking all night to plough through. This was not altogether a bad thing as it meant only the literate could indulge and those unable to string a coherent sentence together were left to languish in online libido limbo until Twitter was invented.
  3. Although widely regarded as a completely safe sex activity, cybersex can lead to soreness, irritation and copious discharge.
  4. Never assume cybersex is a private act. Transcripts of your steamy exchange with Well_Hung_Studmuffin69 may well crop up on various social networking sites or provide valuable blog-fodder.
  5. The most commonly used word in cybersex exchanges is "yes". The most commonly used non-word is "mmmm".
  6. The least commonly used phrase is "no". The least commonly used non-word is "wheeeee".
  7. The most commonly used opening line for those initiating cybersex is "what are you wearing?" The most successful opening line, however, is "I have just paid £20 into your Paypal account. Now get your kit off".
  8. The most annoying question in cybersex is "what do you want me to do now?" or any variation thereof. The answer is always going to be "fuck off", "pay £20 into my Paypal account", or "develop some way of allowing me to zap just enough volts through your keyboard when you type such inane drivel to leave you essentially unharmed but with terribly soiled trackie bottoms."
  9. While cybersex can involve two or more participants it is still just elaborate wanking.
  10. Spodging into a sock while watching middle aged sex bloggers overseas wobbling their breasts about on cam does not mean you have lost your virginity. Only your dignity. And that £20.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

The Public Decides - THIS is your Favourite Blog

"What's that," you cry?

"My favourite blog? I never fucking voted for you."

Well, I respond, as anyone who has followed the British General Election malarky over the past few weeks will know, you don't always get what you voted for. You may prefer some other, well-written, informative blog altogether. You may even have voted for them. But the fact is, it didn't count and I have been officially notified that this blog, the Barbed Wire Boudoir, is, in fact, your favourite blog.

So you're stuck with it. I have been awarded an award and now I am giddy with power.

This is it:

I know.

It not only makes your eyes bleed but "favourite" is spelt wrong. It is fugly. But it was handed to me with great affection and sticky fingers by Curvaceous Dee so I will put it on the virtual mantelpiece of the Boudoir until such time as I accidentally dust it too vigorously and it meets with an untimely end on the flagstones below.

Thanks, Dee, I'm glad this is your favourite blog and I am quite sure you speak for everybody.

As usual there is an expectation with this award, a caveat, a bit of smallprint. I'm supposed to do the following:
  • Post the award on my journal. (Done.)
  • Post a video of yourself playing your favourite instrument, a picture of a pet or a long post about your favourite book. (If only I still had that video of me playing the pink oboe! I couldn't get much of a tune out of it but my fingerwork was impressive.)
  • Choose some more people you think deserve the award. (Well, they might deserve it, but does anyone really want it? I have to say I was thrilled to see Dee had tagged me, purely because I had fuck all else to blog about this week and this was an effortless fix. I'll post a pic and think about it.)
Me and some pets.

Ok, I've thought about it. I pass on this beautiful award to Carnalis because she is a bit mad, has a great arse and hers is truly one of my favourite blogs, Sulpicia as she is a bit mad and the bright colours of the award may trigger some spectacular word association and Walker who I find entertaining even when he's just describing a walk to the shops. And is a bit mad.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Sex Blogging
  1. Despite the proliferation of sex-themed blogs on the net these are the work of just 5 sex bloggers, which is the sex blogging community in its entirety.
  2. The reason people believe there are so many more sex bloggers than this is because these 5 bloggers are in constant flux, closing blogs, re-opening them, changing their names, changing their partners, changing their preferences, starting new lists, new communities, closing them again, getting exposed and then reinventing themselves and beginning the cycle anew.
  3. Sex bloggers do not have as much sex as you might think. Their sexual encounters mainly consist of photographing their own body parts, masturbating and writing pornographic emails to other sex bloggers.
  4. When a sex blogger does have sex it is nearly always with another sex blogger. This provides valuable material for both parties. With care they can stretch the tale of a quick lunch-hour seeing-to in a Travelodge over 4 or 5 posts and blogging the inevitable falling-out, getting back together and splitting up again can be spread over a further few 6 weeks.
  5. The first sex blogger posted under the name of Peachy Keen on the popular blog "I'm a Happy Hooker - the sensual exploits of a girl on the game" in 1994. Peachy went on to build up a huge fanbase, had several books published and a mini-series made for TV before being exposed as Derek Dirtbox, a 56 year old mechanic from Dagenham.
  6. Sex bloggers have more self-awarded award systems than any other blogging group.
  7. The most comments ever received on a sex blog post was a staggering 5067 on an entry called "Fuck Me, I'm a Rogue" - a fascinating insight into why the author only shags fit birds (no fat chicks) - on the popular blog "Caddish Cunt". Of those 5067 comments 5065 were from females sending their overwhelming approval and damp underwear to Caddish Cunt. The remaining 2 were less approving and from fat chicks.
  8. On average sex bloggers start posting about non-sex-related items after just 2 months. The only bloggers who can post relentlessly on just one topic are special individuals who carry notebooks and find it hard to maintain conversations at parties.
  9. The most earnest sex bloggers are those who label themselves as sex positive and educational. They write very long, worthy posts and engage in intellectual debate about feminism and sex workers. Their blogs still have lots of pictures of tits and arse though, so you can still have a wank.
  10. Despite the number of adverts, promotions and outright pleas for cash found on most sex blogs, sex blogging is not a good way to make a living. All 5 sex bloggers are forced to supplement their incomes by dancing for pennies outside PC World or giving handjobs to sailors. They make it sound good when they blog about it later but it's no way to live.