Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Bras.
  1. The first bras were simple devices composed of string and coconut shells.
  2. Before modern cup sizes were invented bras were sized according to the materials used in their construction. Interestingly there are similarities between this system and that with which we are familiar - our A cup roughly corresponds with the ancient Acorn brassiere, a C cup with the aforementioned Coconut bra and our H cup with the historic Hubcap.
  3. Eight out of ten women wear the wrong sized bra. This is because while the importance of being properly fitted for a bra is well known the reality of being squeezed into a small, inadequately curtained cubicle with your top off so some bossy middle-aged woman with a tape measure can twang your elastic and prod you about a bit can be off-putting. Rather than endure the measuring procedure many women opt for the "fuck it, that'll do" approach.
  4. It is a myth that feminists burned their bras in the sixties. The hairy leg thing is true though.
  5. The world record for the greatest number of marshmallows contained within a bra while worn belongs to a Mrs Edna Storridge of Dudley who managed to insert a whopping 347 before being asked to leave the shop.
  6. It is a myth that wearing a bra prevents sagging of the breasts in later life. Breasts have no muscle tissue and will inevitably sag as skin tone is lost due to the ageing process. Of course, wearing a bra will lift sagging breasts into a more youthful position but should you choose not to at least your knees will be warm.
  7. Bras should not be worn for more than two days in a row as the elastic needs to rest so that your garment retains its shape and support. For the same reason it is best to handwash your bra or blast it with Febreze and waft it around a bit.
  8. The average woman owns 9 bras and of these wears six regularly. The other three are only worn in hotel rooms or HNT posts.
  9. The most popular colour choice for a bra is white, closely followed by black. Ironically the least popular choice is grey although 99% of white bras will end up this colour after being washed with the black ones.
  10. The long service award for a bra in everyday use belongs to an elderly Triumph Doreen owned by Mrs Edna Storridge of Dudley. Despite 56 years of heavy duty bolstering the garment still retains a degree of elasticity and original stitching. "It's the only bra for me," asserts Edna. "It may look a bit grey and saggy now but then so do my bosoms. And it's easier to get on and off the bus than a trolley when you need to carry a week's shopping."

11 comments:

Heff said...

It's also a good idea for the man to HAND WASH THE WOMAN'S BREASTS with soap and water on a regular basis as well.

I Digress.

Inferno said...

Long before the modern bra... the Danish had them. Hard leather and cups of bronze. They wore them both loose and tightly fitted depending on taste and they worked as a sort of armor.
Also the women of Crete (over 3000 years ago) used a half bra (supported the breats, lifted the breats, but exposed them from the nipple up.)
The classic greek draping that you see in paintings hides a bra type garment. The wrapp portion on the waste was removed and pulled up to cover the breast and support it when the women wished to be active.
It was then replaced lower to show the breasts when not being active. Usually just one breast was left uncovered.
China also had a bra as early as the 13th century. It was called a dudou. It had fullly encasing cups and straps that went over the shoulders and it was tied in the back very much like a thickened modern bikini.

Ceeej said...

Ay think you'll find Mrs Edna Storridge was escorted from the shop, along with the 347 marshmallows, shop security also found a 14lb Bernard Matthews Self Basting turkey defrosting rapidly in her pantygirdle and a large cucumber secreted about her person, although it's not clear as to whether she had secreted it before entering the store or not.

Luka said...

Heff - don't forget to polish to a high gloss finish with a chamois leather.

Inferno - you know much about bras that isn't made up. I am impressed.

Ceeej - did you read that in the Dudley Daily or did you see the re-enactment on Crimewatch?

Ceeej said...

I cancelled my subscription to the Dudlaiy Dailaiy a while ago so it must have been Crimewatch. I'm fairly sure the cucumber wasn't on Crimewatch but I have seen it somewhere...

Helga Hansen said...

Thank goodness I'm not average! :D Almost snorted my tea over point 8 - ah, those were the days!

Masters Muse - A Submissive said...

very good points

Anonymous said...

Hey, ho, let's go.
Dear Auntie Luka

At what point, and how, should one suggest to a new lady friend that the brushed cotton nightwear lurking beneath the pillow might be improved upon?

Yours

Worried

Luka said...

Ceeej - would you recognise the cucumber if you were to see it again?

Helga - will we ever see their like again?

Master's Muse - Thank you, I do try to be entertaining as well as educational.

Worried - say nothing. Frankly there's no way you can broach the subject without fucking it up. Instead surprise her with a gift of full body fetishwear in wipe-clean PVC. She;ll get the message.

Ceeej said...

I couldn't be certain of a positive identification but if I were to see it in a similar surroundings perhaps I could be more sure.

Walker said...

But the haven't invented on with a remote yet