Sunday, 18 April 2010

No Hawkers, Pedlars, Tradesmen or Short People Who Smell of Dung

From time to time I find that I am asked to review things.

Sadly they are mostly terrible things with no redeeming features. Awful sounding products like Strawberry Lube or Big Boy Butt Plug and Bottle Opener. I wouldn't mind if I were asked to review something fabulous but no. Which is one of the reasons I do not do reviews. The other reasons being that they are boring as fuck to read and that I do not want the people with terrible products to review knowing my address.

To those pedlars of vibratory plastic tat who are tempted to knock on my virtual door I say take your tawdry goods and hawk them round less discerning blogs. The Boudoir is a haven of high standards, exquisite taste and expensive luxury items. If you're not offering me a solid gold dildo and caviar lube then I can't help you. There is no place in my life for lube that tastes like shampoo or a weakly buzzing cock ring less powerful than a gnat secured to your todger by an elastic band. You need to look for blogs where the air fairly crackles with the static electricity generated by the nylon undergarments on display and the offer of a free go on what looks very much like a dog toy will be warmly received.

That said, I am prepared to review cheap wine if any off licence proprietors happen to be passing and need a bit of a boost for the 3-for-a-tenner range.

13 comments:

Petal said...

Good grief, when will I learn not to read your blog whilst drinking hot coffee! Damn your funny!

Ceeej said...

And we're still no closer to finding out why you need to lube strawberries.

Tom Allen said...

Thanks for this. I get at least one email a week from somebody asking to advertise, put up banners, etc. I don't, partly because Mrs. Edge and I really don't want to review one more freaking "jelly dong", flavored lube, or underpowered vibe - all of which we don't use anyway.

I know it's hip to be using your blog to make money, but some of us just like to write. The nice people I've met and the ego strokes form the comments are payment enough.

Heff said...

Hell, I had blogviewers sending ME beer to review for awhile.

I miss those days.

Helga Hansen said...

I've only ever been asked to review something once, back in 2005. It was fun!

Nothing since, though. I can't be arsed, to be frank! :D

Luka said...

Petal - I am mightily pleased you enjoyed the post!

Ceeej - I think it all depends on where you are putting them.

Tom - you and I are in agreement on this one. For me it's the comments that make it all worth my while.

Heff - how did you manage that? And how do I get it to happen to me?

Helga - you are very wise. What was the review in 2005 for, may I ask?

Ro said...

I used to do reviews.

I realise this lowers me (even further) in your estimation.

In my defence, I would like to point out the following:

* This was way before my (or anyone's) blogging days - the reviews were actually printed. On paper.

* The things I reviewed - computer software and hardware - were interesting (to me), often a lot of fun, and occasionally well worth selling afterwards!

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Hence the reason I'm shutting down my blog soon. I have enough lube. Now, if someone gave me wine...

Happy said...

Caviar flavoured lube?

I'm fighting hard to resist the temptation to make an off-colour remark, ruler poised to rap my own knuckles should I stray towards some comment about the sm .. [OUCH!]

drowninginthenight said...

Just wanted to say that I have recently stumbled across your blog and I love it!

And I don't do reviews either...cos they uniformly make you sound like an utter cunt..

Anonymous said...

Dear Auntie Luka

Being as I'm a heterosexual male I'm used to getting the blame in relationships. But women have long memories, don't they. Detailed ones. What baffles me is who gets the blame when it's lesbians forgetting to buy flowers for each other. Is it the gentleman lady or the lady lady? Or do they flip a coin?

Yours

Worried

Walker said...

There is no such thing as cheap wine.
The only thing that matters is alcohol content and maybe the shape of the bottle for some people

Luka said...

Ro - reviewing in itself doesn't lower anyone in my estimation. I'll read and enjoy just about anything if it is entertaining and well written.

Suzanne - if you do manage to get on the wine-reviewing circuit do let me know how it's done!

Happy - bad boy!

Drowninginthenight - hello! Glad you're enjoying the Boudoir. I wouldn't mind sounding like a cunt if I get to review something good, like alcohol or space hoppers.

Worried - I think you'll find that rather than flipping a coin lesbians prefer to settle their differences by stripping down to their underwear and having a pillowfight.

Walker - you get what you pay for, it's true.