Friday, 30 April 2010

Carry On Shopping

He was an older gentleman in a tweed jacket, tall and with an impeccably groomed beard. He looked very respectable.

His shopping trolley was blocking the end of the aisle in the supermarket and he gallantly moved aside and waved me through. I continued on my way, he on his.

Then, of course, we met again on the next aisle. We were now stuck in that situation where you are travelling one way round the shop and they are travelling the other, which means your paths cross every time you enter the next aisle. This can cause a degree of social discomfort when it occurs with someone you know. After the first delighted greeting and bit of chit-chat you both go on your way and then see each other again by the loo rolls, then again by the frozen goods and yet again by the wines and spirits. Each time you meet you have to give a little greeting, a smile, a nod - something. Eventually you both start to pretend you haven't seen each other as it is all so tiring.

In this instance I did not know the gentleman in question, but now we had made social contact of a sort we were in that position of having to acknowledge the other. We smiled and pushed on.

I spent some time in the world cuisine section choosing what to have for dinner. After due consideration I put a jar of black bean sauce in the trolley and headed for the next aisle. I instantly encountered Mr Tweed-Jacket coming the other way.

"Ah," he said with pleasure. "Here's that lovely-looking woman again."

What a nice man, I thought to myself.

"Yes," I replied. "We can't keep on meeting like this."

At which point he performed the most professional letch I have ever seen. He said nothing. The facial expression, the sweeping gaze from toe-to-top, the glint in the eye, the twitch of the waxed moustache, the pursing of the lips and the gutteral explosion of air were eloquent enough. It was an entirely visual display yet I still felt like I had had my arse pinched and my bosoms honk-honked.

I was nonplussed. I could summon no response other than a flustered smile and a "must get on." I took my trolley far, far away to the other end of the shop and hid out in the fresh fruit until I was sure he had gone.


Ceeej said...

Quoted from an 80's film.

Wing Commander Morten 'My dear, I intend to grow old disgracefully'

FLirting in the supermarket can be fun but it sounds like he had a more personal service in mind..

Heff said...

Yeah, shopping makes me horny, too, lol.

Charlene said...

His ship passed your ship, in the afternoon. He was recalling how in the '70s people met like that and ended up together exploring the ah hem, contents of each other's trolly.

Helga Hansen said...

Good job you weren't going to meet again in the frozen aisle section... you reaching down for a tub of creamy Cornish Cream ice cream, and Mr Tweed-jacket having thoughts about where he'd stick the flake... :D

Tom Allen said...

I swear, I wasn't leching, I was just, um, admiring the pair. PEAR, admiring the Pear.

Sheesh, some women...

Luka said...

Ceeej - I think he wanted to do unmentionables to me in the fresh fruit aisle.

Heff - what seduction technique do you employ on attractive fellow shoppers?

Charlene - I really should have taken note of what he had in his trolley. If it was a pair of Marigold gloves, a cucumber, some spray cream and a copy of Woman's Weekly I may have been forewarned. Or tempted.

Helga - yes, or in the fresh produce section where the opportunities for innuendo about - or actual, even - squeezing ripe melons would have been plentiful and hard to resist.

Tom - next you'll be saying you're not shoplifting salami you're just pleased to see me.

Ceeej said...

Shocking, do the older generation have no shame? I hope he was at least going to lube the strawberries before going up the fruit aisle..