Thursday, 25 March 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew About...

...Masturbation
  1. The longest wank session in history was by 15 year old Kevin Spodder who, while left alone at home after his parents won a luxury round the world cruise on a TV gameshow, indulged in a 91 day tugathon. During this time Kevin only left his room and laptop to order pizza, fetch more loo roll and go to the lavatory. His amazing feat was not without personal cost - he suffered terribly from dehydration and chafing - but Kevin staunchly maintains that if his parents were, once more, to leave the house for an extended period he would do it all again.
  2. While it is commonly believed that humans are so highly developed we enjoy sex for fun whereas animals have sex mainly for procreation the reality is that many species apart from man indulge in masturbation. Female dolphins, for example, have been observed using mackerel as masturbatory aids, whereas orangutans fashion dildos from wood or bark. The proof of the high intelligence of these mammals is not that they use sex toys for solo pleasure but that they refrain from endlessly reviewing them afterwards.
  3. Masturbation is directly responsible for the development and continued enhancement of webcam technology.
  4. It is also the driving factor behind the invention and development of the internet, mobile phones, vibration technology, mansize tissues, prize winning marrows and body lotion.
  5. While many religions condemn masturbation as a sin none have ever adequately explained why a deity would design a body with the genitals within arms reach if they didn't want them to be fiddled with.
  6. In the course of his lifetime the average male will masturbate enough times to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with spunk and use enough tissues to create a life size papier mache model of Barry White.
  7. In the course of her lifetime the average female will masturbate enough times to fill a sex blog with daily award winning descriptive posts for 15 years and use enough batteries to power an atomic submarine.
  8. The earliest known depiction of masturbation is shown in a cave painting in southwestern France. The scene features bison, deer and hunters gripping what at first glance appear to be spears.
  9. The term "wanker" was first coined by Shakespeare in Henry IV Part One. In Act 5, Scene 1 an exasperated Henry utters the immortal line "No truly, tis more than manners will; and I have heard it said that unbidden guests are often welcomest when they are gone. Especially that fat wanker Falstaff."
  10. While no one still believes that masturbation causes harmful effects such as hairy palms and blindness it is worth remembering that it can still cause cramp and a loss of vehicular control.

24 comments:

Charlene said...

Bravo!

That was ah, interesting!

Cheeky Minx said...

I just snorted my tea out of my nose! Love it, love it, love it.

And I suspect Barry White would be honoured if that model was ever made material...

True Lateral said...

Champion!

Ceeej said...

You owe me a new keyboard, especially for Nos. 2 and 5. I should try to remember not to visit the boudoir whilst drinking my morning coffee.

Happy said...

As ever the nail is firmly struck on it's uppermost point, and the best is saved till the last... I guffawed at the mention of loss of vehicular control. It's tricky having to drive at the same time as you find and position those mansize tissues!

Riff Dog said...

But how do the dolphins and orangutans get their dildos for free if they don't write reviews for them???

Heff said...

Shit, I finished off filling up that Olympic sized swimming pool YEARS AGO...

Ro said...

This blog is rarely less than educational but this time you've outdone yourself.

You've also ensured that I'll never enjoy eating a marrow again ...

Luka said...

Charlene - interesting and educational.

Cheeky Minx - who wouldn't be?

True Lateral - thank you!

Ceeej - one must always take precautions against spilling hot fluids while in the Boudoir.

Happy - if others can learn from my experience then my work here has not been in vain.

Riff - nature provides, and with never a banner, button or link to be seen! It is a beautiful thing.

Heff - OK, so in some cases we are looking at a Great Lake rather than a pool.

Ro - no -one really enjoys eating marrows in the first place, that's why they end up being so abused.

Ro said...

I was about to say that I used to enjoy a nice stuffed marrow but to say that in this context would only embarrass myself ;-)

Taryn said...

I have to say that I'm a fan of masturbation!

Luka said...

Ro - I know a song about marrows.

Taryn - who isn't, in truth?

Ro said...

"Ten green marrows, standing on the wall"?

Some Chilean Woman said...

Filling an Olympic sized pool on masturbation alone? I am just glad it doesn't all stay inside me.

Happygirl said...

Luv your ten things , I laughed so hard I dropped my vibrator...

Luka said...

Ro - I was thinking of the Musical Hall classic "Oh, What a Beauty". Know it?

Some Chilean Woman - There are some things for which we must thank gravity.

Happygirl - Thank you - I do hope it was not on an unforgiving tile floor.

Ro said...

I'm afraid I do. Too many nights forced to watch "The Good Old Days" during my formative years.

I thought I'd recovered ...

Walker said...

And why isn't masturbating an Olympic sport?
It is a well practiced event

Luka said...

Ro -I will always have a great fondness for "Hold Your Hand Out You naughty Boy" and "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep".

Walker - I think it's because the competition would be just too fierce.

uk sparky said...

I have wanked more than kevin, I have pretty much spent my whole life wanking, I am still trying to perfect it....

Luka said...

UK Sparky - Well, practice does make perfect they say.

uk sparky said...

i love to practice honey, two or three times a day xx

Luka said...

Uk Sparky - You must be pretty good at it by now :)

uk sparky said...

yes honey, i am and i love it, i think i am have produced enough to fill a lake, xxx i am a bit of a heavy one when i do, lol xx
maybe you would like to join me and watch one day xx