Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Special Offer

"Bank Holiday Bonus Bundle" the email proclaims, complete with jolly exclamation mark. It's a bumper bonus Easter special, a popular assortment of sex toys at a bargain price!

Who, I wonder, is this aimed at? I don't know about anyone else but Easter, to me, means a crazy weekend of work and as much chocolate as I can eat. To others it means roast dinners with the family, maybe a Simnel Cake, a hot cross bun or two. To still others it means Jesus dying for our sins (then popping up again a few days later for a wave and a cheerio) and a nice church service.

Bank Holiday weekends. I can see the link when promoting (optimistically, given the typical British weather, I grant you) barbecues, outdoor furniture, and lawnmowers. I can see why people in the holiday mood might want to stock up on food and drink, examine the sales in sofa/carpet/DIY warehouses or visit tourist attractions.

But who, exactly, thinks "Ah, the Easter holidays eh? Four-day weekend, right? I better buy a Bank Holiday bundle of batteries, lube and a selection of vibrators." Who associates an extra Sunday with a need to buy as many budget sex toys as possible?

Emails along similar lines appear in my inbox prior to every public holiday and special event throughout the year. Halloween, Christmas, New Year, the Grand National, the Olympics, the General Election - all have their own dedicated sex toy promotional email. I know a wank is good for relieving the tension in times of stress, but really, my initial requirements for most of these occasions are usually more clothing or refreshment oriented. I don't often think "fuck almighty, if only I had a pink rabbit-style vibrator at a discount price for this Shrove Tuesday." A pink vibrating silicon dong might keep me occupied for a bit but even so, that still leaves 23 hours 42 minutes of Bank Holiday tedium to fill - 23 hours 42 minutes which might be better serviced with a plentiful supply of food and drink to be consumed upon my new sofa.

Am I out of step with this? Are my priorities hopelessly skewed? Are the rest of you planning a marathon masturbatory Easter Monday while the kids are out egg hunting? Does the thought of a public holiday send you running to the closet with a cry of "I haven't a thing to fetishwear"? What's the most bizarre offer to be found in your inbox?

8 comments:

Helga Hansen said...

The most bizarre offers are the ones offering to grow my schlong. The one I don't have. Such a waste!

Charlene said...

I don't think my demographic profile is correctly identified. Sigh.

I get offers for discount's at Kroger.

Ceeej said...

I find it always pays to have a good stock of batteries, you never know when you'll need them.

I think the most surprising thing I get in my email is genuine, wanted email. It's quite easy to miss them between the penis/breast enlargement, breast reduction, slimming, horse racing, 419, dodgy Louis Vuitton, Gucci etc. etc. spam messages.

Heff said...

Here, maybe this will help you "cele-bate" or "masterbrate" this Easter. I'm not sure which....

http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

Glad I could help.

Hey, if you're a good cook, come over to my site....

Luka said...

Helga - ah yes, I know the ones. I am often invited to "satisfy her every time" but it's unclear who they mean.

Charlene - that could be handy though, couldn't it?

Ceeej - you have made a very good point. I adore getting a real email, a missive from a friend, a cheery word from an admirer or even a "you're an annoying twat" mail. They are such a rarity now - everyone texts, tweets or posts a facebook status update instead.

Heff - I can see the appeal - the Jesus on the Cross version is, unsurprisingly, a less popular option.

Ceeej said...

Ahh, guilty as charged 'm afraid...

I'm a late arrival at the Twitter thing and also at blogging but I'm enjoying it immensely, even if I'm possibly a little addicted...

BamaTrav said...

Yeah, I hate when that happens. Soon you just toss the dild into the drawer with the other 50 impulse rubber dong buys.

Luka said...

Ceeej - I just can't seem to get addicted to Twitter. I find I get bored quickly and wander off.

Bama Trav - If they'd really gone with the Easter theme and offered chocolate dildos I may have been tempted.