At some point in the conversation there will come a variation on the following question: "what do you want?"
They want me to articulate my desires, my fantasies, my preferences and needs. "What do you like to do?" they ask, hoping for a lurid, lubed-up, lust-fuelled depiction of my erotic escapades.
I can't be bothered to answer most of the time. Writing about my libidinous tendencies tires me out far more than enacting them. It is dull, it does not arouse me and it would be misrepresentative. I spend more time thinking about cheese than I do about orgasms. I want wine, happiness and shoes more than I want it up the arse. I suck sweets more often than I suck cock. And I am very happy with that. I enjoy my sex life, I value that facet of myself, but I do not rate it more highly than all the other threads in my intricately woven life.
However, for those of you who really would like to know what my innermost desire is right now, my ultimate fantasy, I am going to share the following scenario. I hope it warms you in all your important places. It does me.
"Come," he breathes, leading me by the hand into his shoe shop and off licence. "I want to see you drinking Pinot Grigio and trying on slingbacks." He is a charming man - funny, articulate, with warm hands and a delightful smell.
"Oh my, this is all so sudden!" I gasp, accepting a large glass of something chilled and strolling over to the knee high boots. "Goodness, you don't often see boots so perfectly tailored for the larger calf."
"Your big legs are beautiful. Let us retire to my flat above the shoe shop and off licence and I will massage them with this gorgeously scented oil. Relax on this rug before the open fire and allow me to massage all of your aching muscles. I shall put your wine just here, see, and get you a straw."
"Mmmm....you're very good at that. There aren't many shoe shop and off licence owners who could give a hot oil massage without becoming uncomfortably aroused and trying to lift my towel off my buttocks with their stiffy."
"No need to concern yourself on that score. While I obviously find you incredibly attractive I am actually just going to give you the massage you so desire and alleviate your aches and pains. This is not about me getting my rocks off and all about making you feel good."
"No. I am concentrating on un-knotting the tension between your shoulders. Then I shall run you a hot bath and pop out briefly for a bar of Galaxy."
"Will you get me a kebab and a bag of doughnuts too? And then can I put on my dressing gown and watch zombie films while you bring me drinks and play with my hair?"
"Oh my god. That's it. You have it all. I have it all. I have had an allgasm!"
So there you have it. My fantasy. How does it measure up to yours?