- Be adolescent. In actuality or mind only, as long as you have that insecure, inexperienced inner teen you'll be in with the dim crowd, able to convince yourselves that you're trailblazers, doing something cutting edge and original.
- Check out your nearest playground. Look for the kids pushing smaller kids off swings, the ones throwing rocks at the child who seems a bit different to the rest or the kids pulling the wings off flies. These are your ideas people and target audience. You will do well to keep them in mind as you blog.
- Always go for the obvious. Remember - you are an Offensive Blogger not an intelligent one. Stick to topics like "This person is fat" or "This person is ugly" or even, for the more advanced Offensive Blogger, "This person is fat and ugly". Anything more complex, like "This person has objectionable political views" will only confuse your readership. Like the kids in the playground, they just want to know when and where to throw the rocks.
- Do not over-exert yourself by reading the blogs of those you wish to be offensive about. All you need to do is look at the pictures and decide whether to call them fat, ugly, or fat and ugly. This kind of comedy gold will make your readers howl like hyenas.
- Upsetting someone through offensive blogging is your ultimate aim and when you succeed you will forget all about your solitary existence, wanking into socks and worrying you have abnormal genitals. For a brief moment you will feel like you're swimming in the deep end of the gene pool! Savour it, treasure it - it's the only trophy you are ever likely to own.
- Ignorance is your strength. Do not be ashamed when you don't understand the counter-arguments to your offensive posts from more intelligent bloggers. Be proud of your ability to offend and be sure to slip in a few fat or ugly insults wherever you can should you choose to respond. This will impress your readers who will hoot and throw rocks.
- Never post a picture of yourself. Someone may point and laugh at it.
- Remember, no subject is out of bounds if you want to be a truly Offensive Blogger. Except current affairs, environmental issues, philosophy, the arts or relationships. These are beyond you. But any other subject is fair game, especially if you can post a picture of someone fat or ugly to illustrate.
- Post several pictures of people who would point and laugh at your abnormal genitals if they could see them and claim that you would not have sex with them. Because they are fat. Or ugly.
- Do not worry that people may see through your renegade rebel "I'll say anything, I'm that offensive" persona to the insecure adolescent who really sits behind the keyboard. Only the more intelligent bloggers can tell and as your readers are a bit thick they'll still think being a cunt is cool.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Top Ten Tips for Offensive Bloggers
Would you like to write a truly offensive blog but find it hard to type more than a couple of words before your brain hurts and you have to have a lie down and a wank? Would you like to feel like a bit of a hardcore renegade with no respect for society's rules but your mum won't let you go on the computer after 8pm? Fear not, my top ten tips for would-be Offensive Bloggers are guaranteed to help you achieve your goal!