Monday, 22 February 2010

Comment Moderation

I have had to turn on comment moderation for all my posts. Bloody spammers.

Once upon a time I just used to leave my comments open to all, no moderation required. I don't know how I escaped the incessant spamming for so long but for years I only received comments from genuine Boudoir browsers, intent upon telling me how funny I am.

Recently though I have been plagued by comments in Chinese and links to sites sellling get rich quick scams or dodgy viagra. I can't help but wonder if my brief surge of popularity is to blame. You know, when I was a Top Sex Blogger and a Wank Week Roundup Star Choice. Thankfully interest has now waned again yet the spam remains. So, I've had to go for the comment moderation option which makes me feel very dull and unedgy. Still, rest assured that I will never moderate a comment that isn't spam so do feel free to call me a cynical old ratbag and fat knacker if the urge comes upon you. I will post it.

Oh go on. I'm so bored with the spam.

Thursday, 18 February 2010


The desire to protect our loved ones from the things that could hurt them is one most of us have. We shield our precious people from as many knocks as we can, acting as a buffer between them and harsh reality. When you love someone it is often the case that you are able to manage your own pain for better than you could manage theirs. That's why I understood entirely when my mother said she hadn't mentioned anything earlier. They didn't want to worry me. No point in getting everyone upset before all the facts were established.

And I was not to worry now, she said. Many men of my father's age develop prostate cancer and, with treatment, go on to die of something entirely unrelated years further down the line. The consultant was lovely and very positive. So not to worry.

I am worried. Of course. I won't let on. My desire to protect my loved ones is as strong as theirs.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

To My (ex)Valentine

I used to adore every hair on your head
I used to believe every word that you said
I used to enjoy having your hand in mine
But now I can't stand you, my (ex)Valentine

I used to think your funny ways were so cute
I used to find all of your jokes such a hoot
I used to say your odd behaviour was fine
You're really a nobhead, my (ex)Valentine

I used to excuse all the times you were rude
I used to fret if you were in a bad mood
I used to wait for you, patiently, in line
Now you can fuck off, my (ex)Valentine

I used to think you were a wonderful guy
I used to think of you, look dreamy and sigh
I used to think your arse was full of sunshine
But you're full of shit, my (ex)Valentine

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Top Ten Tips for Offensive Bloggers

Would you like to write a truly offensive blog but find it hard to type more than a couple of words before your brain hurts and you have to have a lie down and a wank? Would you like to feel like a bit of a hardcore renegade with no respect for society's rules but your mum won't let you go on the computer after 8pm? Fear not, my top ten tips for would-be Offensive Bloggers are guaranteed to help you achieve your goal!
  1. Be adolescent. In actuality or mind only, as long as you have that insecure, inexperienced inner teen you'll be in with the dim crowd, able to convince yourselves that you're trailblazers, doing something cutting edge and original.
  2. Check out your nearest playground. Look for the kids pushing smaller kids off swings, the ones throwing rocks at the child who seems a bit different to the rest or the kids pulling the wings off flies. These are your ideas people and target audience. You will do well to keep them in mind as you blog.
  3. Always go for the obvious. Remember - you are an Offensive Blogger not an intelligent one. Stick to topics like "This person is fat" or "This person is ugly" or even, for the more advanced Offensive Blogger, "This person is fat and ugly". Anything more complex, like "This person has objectionable political views" will only confuse your readership. Like the kids in the playground, they just want to know when and where to throw the rocks.
  4. Do not over-exert yourself by reading the blogs of those you wish to be offensive about. All you need to do is look at the pictures and decide whether to call them fat, ugly, or fat and ugly. This kind of comedy gold will make your readers howl like hyenas.
  5. Upsetting someone through offensive blogging is your ultimate aim and when you succeed you will forget all about your solitary existence, wanking into socks and worrying you have abnormal genitals. For a brief moment you will feel like you're swimming in the deep end of the gene pool! Savour it, treasure it - it's the only trophy you are ever likely to own.
  6. Ignorance is your strength. Do not be ashamed when you don't understand the counter-arguments to your offensive posts from more intelligent bloggers. Be proud of your ability to offend and be sure to slip in a few fat or ugly insults wherever you can should you choose to respond. This will impress your readers who will hoot and throw rocks.
  7. Never post a picture of yourself. Someone may point and laugh at it.
  8. Remember, no subject is out of bounds if you want to be a truly Offensive Blogger. Except current affairs, environmental issues, philosophy, the arts or relationships. These are beyond you. But any other subject is fair game, especially if you can post a picture of someone fat or ugly to illustrate.
  9. Post several pictures of people who would point and laugh at your abnormal genitals if they could see them and claim that you would not have sex with them. Because they are fat. Or ugly.
  10. Do not worry that people may see through your renegade rebel "I'll say anything, I'm that offensive" persona to the insecure adolescent who really sits behind the keyboard. Only the more intelligent bloggers can tell and as your readers are a bit thick they'll still think being a cunt is cool.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Those Burger Places Are Always Hiring

I like reading blogs. Well, certain blogs; good, well-written blogs. I like reading them and I particularly like reading them at no personal cost to myself. Call me tight, call me mean, but I like to come to the end of a post and find I am still as well-off as when I started. Sadly, perusing blogs lately has become the online equivalent of navigating the chuggers on the High Street. They all want your cash and are not afraid to annoy you to get it.

"Buy my book," they cry. "Go on. Well at least take a look at my Amazon wishlist and buy me something."

"Click on my links! Go on. It'll take you to some sponsored site that is suspect in the extreme but I get a fiver each time some twat falls for it! Go on, click it!"

"Subscribe to hear me read my posts! Yes, all you sad, lonely wankers without real friends can pay to hear someone you sort of know reading poorly written sex scenes and saying the word 'pussy' on your very own laptop! I've got a paypal account and everything."

"Sponsor me. Sponsor my friends. Support the work of the Domestic Dildo Divas, bringing silicone dongs to underprivileged housewives the world over. Send us a tenner. Go on!"

"Donate! Hit the button! Pay my bills, pay my lawyers, pay my way!"

It all boils down to the same thing: Give us your money!

Fucking hell, you think, I only wanted a browse. And unlike the High Street chuggers there's not even a handy face to punch.

Now, I do understand that some bloggers are hard up and are trying to supplement their income through blogging. Some are trying to launch a career. Others are just out for what they can get. Whatever the reason this constant wheedling for cash is a pain in the arse.

I have no advertising on my blog, no paypal account and no begging bowl to pass around so have no idea if blogging really is a lucrative source of income. I can't imagine it brings in that much, especially for the crappier writers, and imagine they'd make more money actually begging outside M&S, sitting on a frayed blanket, with a dog on a string, bearing a piece of cardboard with "Will Blog 4 Food" crayonned on it rather than virtually doing so. It would entail getting off their arse and leaving the house though, which is just as much effort as getting a job, hence the appeal of the blog beg.

Poor hard-up bloggers. I can hear the howls of protest, the reasons, the justifications now. I am unmoved. I am not exactly frolicking in piles of cash and lighting cigars with fivers myself. Money a bit tight? You could save on the leccy bill and go offline for a bit, that should do it.