Sunday, 10 January 2010

Squicked

"Did you like that?" he asked.

"Um...no. I was squicked by the sisterly love thing."

And just like that he went offline.

It had begun a short time earlier, with a detailed, and frankly suspect, tale of love in a jacuzzi with a couple of lovely ladies who fortuitously happened to be there.

I am used to men trying to impress, possibly seduce, me via the medium of bullshit. You can't write a sex blog - even a satirical anti-sex-blog - without the occasional email or chat session that ends up on the ferry to Fantasy Island. It is a rare and unusual man who can get me on board with him. Most make the mistake of assuming that simply offloading their desires on me is sufficient to engage my libido. They rattle off a list of I would like to do this, and then I would like to do that. Remarkably few bother to find out what I would like and, to be fair, those that do ask me what I really want right now usually get the reply "a bottle of wine and for you to fuck off".

This instance was no different. Why this particular would-be Lothario thought a female-male-female threesome was my bag, I don't know. It is a tediously common male fantasy of course. Still, I can work with it up to a point and see where the scenario leads. However, in this particular scene the females in question were allegedly sisters. Sisters who find themselves exploring the contents of his swimming trunks and finish their journey of discovery with some sisterly love of the oral variety. Which, unsurprisingly, squicked me entirely.

Why? Why oh why oh why would anyone think this could ever, ever appeal to me?

It's like those fantasies men - and women - have regarding twins. Yuck. I mean, how does that work? I couldn't even have sex in the same room as any other family member, let alone want to witness them in a sexual situation. Anything beyond that makes me want to scrub my brain in a bucket of bleach. Every strand of DNA in my body strains in the opposite direction, trying to get as far away from the threat of webbed feet and banjo music as possible.

Just for the record, for anyone else thinking of trying their hand at a bit of Luka-lovin', I am also squicked by sex involving kids, animals, shit, piss, dead people and the clinically thick.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Noted, pulse checked, birth certificate, bottle of wine and IQ test result at the ready..

The Famulus said...

Trying my hand at a bit of Luka-lovin'???

Sounds way to dangerous to me. Best of luck with the next applicant though. :-)

Luka said...

Anonymous - and you're leaving the goat at home, right?

The Famulus - it's like Total Wipeout, only with bigger balls.

Anonymous said...

I thought maybe we could roast it over an open fire?

Luka said...

Anonymous - you'd better bring a very large bread roll too then.

Ro said...

I've been put off sibling fantasies for life, and possibly well beyond ... but in theory the identical-twins thing, well, they do say that identical twins like to share everything!

Luka said...

Ro - they also say that one must be good while the other must be evil.

If any identical twins are reading this, would they care to enlighten us on whether this is indeed the case?

Cheeky Minx said...

The MFF with blood relatives - ewwwwwww!

My cousin and I received a couple of similar offers in our younger years where the slimy scuz buckets in question couldn't quite understand our need to reach for the Dettol and wire brush to cleanse ourselves at the mere thought! Yuck, yuck, yuck...

Cheyenne said...

Squick indeed...incest is never sexy!

Why does it seem like so few men out there actually put effort into their seduction attempts? Blech...

Sure fantasies are normal, but they don't all have to be shared! I have a few that will never see the light of day! But that's just a lesson in tact and common sense :)

Anonymous said...

Men are so naff online.Yawnworthy seductions, fellas. Come on (or not).

Some Chilean Woman said...

I love fantasies as long as they're 100% to do with me because I am very selfish and greedy.

ceeej said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ceeej said...

Incestuous squickiness aside, would you really sleep with someone who was going to be boasting all about it in a vain attempt to 'charm' the underwear off their next target?

Perhaps he was an undercover operative from the sex blogger's alliance atempting to subvert you into a sex blog post of his very own?

Glasjay said...

Squick. Good word Luka

Happy said...

I was chuckling away from the first line, the volume grew at "a bottle of wine and for you to fuck off"; but the killer blow waslanded when your list of squicking things ended with 'the clinically thick'.
I really shouldn't read your blog in the library!

Tom Allen said...

Why this particular would-be Lothario thought a female-male-female threesome was my bag, I don't know. It is a tediously common male fantasy of course.

And there's your answer.

Not to mention that this is reinforced on half the porn videos, movies, tv, commercials, the MTV music awards, etc.

The next time, just immediately tell them that you're imagining a threesome with their twin brother.

Luka said...

Cheeky Minx - Quite. Those who suggest such shenanigans are usually the first to recoil, or, more likely, just blink in bafflement, if you suggest they get naked with their relatives if they like it so much.

Cheyenne - It's a heady mix of arrogance and laziness. The problem is, a lot of men online really don't need to put that much effort into their seduction techniques. The internet has so many opportunites that the scatter gun approach may well work, eventually. And if it doesn't they can always enjoy their own fantasy and have a quick hand shandy to YouPorn.

Anonymous - I am with the zombies on this one. I want brains!

Some Chilean Woman - I think that is an entirely natural stance myself.

Ceeej - No, absolutely not - though I sleep with very few people all told.

Sex blogger alliance you say? They've been trying to get into my capacious undergarments for years now. It's sure to be them.

Glasjay - It's a good 'un all right and been around for a while now. I learned it from a madame I used to know.

Happy - I am glad I managed to tickle you from afar!

Tom - That is an excellent idea, I shall try it.

DOG3OY said...

would two brothers go down on a girl... i don't think so. so why would two girls?
the other strange fantasy is the having sex with twins, i'm sure twins are close but i doubt they would be feeling close enough to go down on each other while some guy runs around to try to find an opening.

Ro said...

I just had to pop back to assure DOG3OY that the two-brothers thing does happen. I can guarantee it!

I'm not exactly recommending it though ...

DOG3OY said...

Ewwwww, i need to wash my hands....

Luka said...

Dog3oy - there is always the exception that proves the rule I suppose, but in general I would agree it's unlikely.

Ro - quite so.

Anonymous said...

A MFF threesome, Luka? How utterly predictable.

I don't know anyone who has had one and all parties lived to happily recount the experience …. although one 90's comedian (known as a bit of a serial shagger) managed to get a whole comedy routine out of LOSING his girlfriend due to his often repeated requests for a MFF threesome …

In 2006 Richard Herring took his one man show Menage A Un to the Edinburgh Fringe.

Because that is normally what men find themselves left with after they have pissed their wives / girlfriends / partners off to the point of leaving …. solo onanistic pleasures only.

The even MORE ironic thing is -- do you know what?

I have actually *tried* (and failed) to arrange one of the more "lady pleasing" alternative group sessions (ie FMM, or FMMM, or FMMMMMM……etc) but had extreme difficulty in drumming up enthusiasm from willing male participants -- they act all cock sure and interested at first …. but when it comes down to the reality, they all chicken out, due to either:

1. performance (and size) anxieties of having to perform in front of other men; and

2. not really wanting to "share" a woman -- the truth comes out, that they actually usually prefer intimacy with a woman on a 1:1 basis and don't really want to be just a "spare sex part"

How strange …… and yet men *still* think we will *jump* at the chance of some FMF action and be delighted to share THEM with another woman ????

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