Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Luka's Guide to Sexercise

Feeling a tad on the wobbly side after the excesses of the festive season? Finding yourself opting for elasticated waistbands and XXL underwear? Having to really crop those HNT/Facebook pics?

Well, worry not, for I have the perfect way to tone up and slim down whilst simultaneously engaging your erogenous zones in a whole new and exciting way.

"But Luka," I hear you cry, "sexercise is nothing new. Cosmopolitan has been going on about it for ages."

"Ah," I reply, "but no-one does sexercise like Luka does sexercise. My sexercise plan is guaranteed to work because A) it's great and B) you don't even need to find someone else to do it with. Yes. This is Solo Sexercise!"

That's right. Solo Sexercise. It's the best way to release those endorphins and burn off those excess calories without having to make conversation afterwards.

You will need:

A towel
Comfortable pants

The Warm Up

It is essential to limber up properly before attempting the positions described below. Believe you me, a pulled muscle in the groinal area is not something you want, unless walking like Igor with a hernia is your ultimate goal. I suggest you position your towel on a comfortable surface - the bed, the sofa, the bus seat - and assume a relaxed position. You can sit or lie down, whichever you prefer. Now clench your pelvic muscles. Clench them as if you are trying to suck a pencil up your bottom (if you are a sex blogger this will come easily to you. If you are not a sex blogger, keep practicing. Do NOT use an actual pencil, even if you have put an enormous gonk on the end of it.) Now relax. Repeat until you feel a warm glow.

The Workout

Position 1 - The Car Wash

Give your body a full on sensual massage with wide circular window washing movements. This is particularly effective while in the shower with a genuine sponge and lots of soap, but is just as entertaining when performed on the beach or stuck in a traffic jam. This really works the upper arms and cleavage.

Position 2 - The Doggy Scootch

In this position you emulate the classic bottom-along-the-floor manoeuvre beloved of dogs appearing in family portraits or in the background of local news footage or wedding videos. If you are on a chair or bus you can simply scootch back and forth, if you have the luxury of floor space you can see just how far you can travel before you succumb to friction burns. This gives a great workout to those gluteals and also really tests the elastic in your gusset.

Position 3 - The Fiddler Crab

Now your nether regions should be nicely warmed up and ready for the full benefits of solo sexercise. Simply place your hand inside your comfortable pants and have a good old rummage around. Once you find a rhythm that pleases you maintain it for as long as you can without disturbing anyone else in the house/on the bus/in the library. This should give you a powerfully muscled arm in time. You may want to alternate limbs.

Position 4 - The Fish Out of Water

If you have performed the preceding sexercises correctly you should find yourself flopping about and gasping for air in a most energetic manner. Your stomach, back and leg muscles should all be a-quiver.

The Cool Down

Readjust towel if necessary. Ditto comfortable pants. Stretch.


Helga Hansen said...

I don't know... sounds a bit like hard work to me. I don't know if I have the energy. I might just stick with reading the instructions again and again, and exercising via mental stimulation! :D

PS. I have a cartoon caricature on my Facebook profile - I'm in serious denial!

Dangerous Lilly said...

Luka you're so full of hot air ;)

Cheeky Minx said...

Ooh, I think this is actually working...

Except The Fiddler Crab is has morphed into The Fiddler Cramp! Help...

Cheeky Minx said...

Hencee the typoos... Ouch!

Thanks Luka!

Anonymous said...

I can highly recommend the Luka Bazooka exercise video for all the male readers, I already have a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger..

Jackie Adshead said...

And I bet if you asked the nice libraraian or the guy sitting next to you on the bus for a helping hand you could half the time it takes for a good workout!? :)

Glasjay said...

I was thinking that this was a unisex sexercise regime. Then I saw "This really works the upper arms and cleavage" and I thought, "hey, this is just for ladies!"
Then I looked down at my hairy cleavage and I thought "maybe not"

Happy new year Luka x

Glasjay said...

I was thinking that this was a unisex sexercise regime. Then I saw "This really works the upper arms and cleavage" and I thought, "hey, this is just for ladies!"
Then I looked down at my hairy cleavage and I thought "maybe not"

Happy new year Luka x

Luka said...

Helga - mental exercise does actually burn calories, but you do have to think about things really, *really* hard to burn off the equivalent of one rice crispie.

Dangerous Lilly - saves on the heating bills.

Cheeky Minx - now, what did I say about warming up properly?

Anonymous - I'm going to put that testimonial on the video cover.

Jackie - Worth a try.

Glasjay - I always try to be an equal opportunities type. Happy New Year to you too! x

Anonymous said...

Awwh, would you like me to model for the DVD cover or will you use a body double for my testimonials?

Luka said...

Anonymous - are you available for modelling purposes? I don't pay well, or cover expenses, but the hours are good and you get a cup of tea.

Walker said...

I don't know.
I think if you were to walk into a gay bar and scream you are a bunch of pussy lickers to the leather clad gay men in the place the could probably chase 30 pounds off of you whilst saving your ass at the same time

Luka said...

Walker - that's a rather more advanced sexercise class. If a beginner were to attempt it I dread to think how sore they would be the next day.

Anonymous said...

I'm available for modelling but I'd have to insist on chocolate hobnobs to accompany the tea.

I'm not cheap...

Luka said...

Anonymous - talk about pricing yourself out of the market!