Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Dear Father Christmas...

...I have been a very good girl all year. Pretty much. And even if I am ever naughty I am terribly good at it, which cancels out any badness, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Now, you're probably busy reading lots of blogger wishlists at this time of year - the sex bloggers asking for the kinds of toys only elves over 18 can make, the mummy bloggers asking for a good night's sleep, the political bloggers asking for change, the cookery bloggers asking for the kind of gadgets the sex bloggers wouldn't mind a go on and so forth. Still, I hope you can find time to read through a satirical anti-sex-blogger's list of festive desires and consider emptying your bulging sacks into my stocking come Christmas Eve.

This year, for Christmas, I would like:
  1. A pair of hold up stockings that actually hold up and don't roll down my pillowy thighs at inconvenient moments or, failing that:
  2. A pair of tights that fit the tall, full figured woman so that the crotch does not sit at knee level, leading to amusing yet undignified hobbling, and the waist band does not come up to one's armpits. (Who are these garments designed for - is it you, Santa?)
  3. A drum kit.
  4. Big, comfortable pants that are also alluring.
  5. Pubic hair to come back into fashion.
  6. Stroppy, fat, older women to come back into fashion.
  7. A Scalextric.
  8. An Indian Head Massage or a Nit Nurse of my very own.
  9. The salt, sugar and fat content to be reinstated to my favourite convenience foods. Bloody food police. My roast beef flavoured Monster Munch were crap without all the salt and E numbers. Ditto my Cup-a-Soup. I buy these things for a reason. If I wanted the healthy option I'd have bought an orange. Thank fuck for booze.
  10. Wine, and lots of it.

If you could see your way to granting me even just one or two of these requests I would be immensely grateful and won't drink your sherry and abuse the carrots for the reindeer before you get here this year.

Yours in anticipation,




PateInduced said...

Ok... I can understand Scalextric for the pooves. But, drums?

True Lateral said...

Tights - I don't understand why they have to come up to my armpits either. From there they roll down to form a nice sausage profile around the waist.

I'm already bemused by being off the chart of sizes they handily provide (apparently someone my height can only weigh 55kg, which would qualify them to stand still and let runner beans climb up them all summer).

You didn't promise not to abuse the reindeer with the carrots, I notice.

Glasjay said...

Dear Luka,
I've checked my list, in fact I've checked it twice.
You're name isn't on either of the standard lists. It's on the special list, the one reserved for those who are naughty and nice!

1. I can't provide you with this gift as you don't seem to actually have "pillowy thighs"

2. Done, I had two elves make these especially for you. Oh the fun they had pretended they were Siamese twin bank robbers.

3. You'll find it full assembled in the corner.

4. Crotchless kidney warmers?
Lacey apple catchers?
Silk parachute with leg holes?

5. It never went out of fashion in my house ;)

6. I'm Santa, miracles are Jesus's department.

7. Super deluxe edition set up in your loft.

8. Just click your heels together and say "I fear I may kill someone soon" and your personal masseuse will appear.

9. Your cupboards will be permanently stocked with salt and MSG.

10. And here's a key to Threshers.

Merry Christmas, Santa x

Santa Claus said...

Who is this imposter Glasjay!?

Carnalis said...

dear Luka

Please do come and play with my .. scaletrix anytime you wish.

If santa lets you down on the stockings, try Wolford's 50 velvet.


ceeej said...

Ahem, I think you'll find big comfy pants are alluring, it's all a matter of location and timing.

Stroppy, fat, hairy younger women have always been welcome here.

Especially if they're wearing stockings, have booze and a Scalextric (in no particular order).

Happy Christmas.


Walker said...

Start with 10 first and the rest will look perfect.

Luka said...

Pateinduced - of course drums! Who doesn't like drums? You'd have to be mad not to want a drum kit. (And the Sclextric is for me, the pooves can wait their turn.)

True Lateral - tights are sheer torment. (Did you see what I did there?)I never make promises I can't keep.

Glasjay - so that's your secret identity! You're from further north than I thought. (I assure you those thighs of mine are both pillowy, marshmallowy and, indeed, ample.)

Carnalis - I am hopeless with good stockings/tights, this house has too many nails in the floorboards. You never let on you had a Scalextric. What other toys have you got?

Ceeej - I like your welcoming attitude toward the stroppy, hairy community. I feel all aglow with the spirit of the season now.

Walker - sound advice, as ever.

Glasjay said...

Ample maybe but i don't see any pillowing or marshmallowing.

B said...

I'm here to back up Carnalis.

Don't buy anything else. It's the best 20 quid you'll ever spend* (and I'm a student and only have 20 quid once a quarter. I also have cats and loose floorboards and exposed gripper rods all over the place, but they survive for years nonetheless)

*I can think of a few exceptions already

EmmaK said...

Also under Kink and Fetish you missed
Trannie in a White Wig

Luka said...

Glasjay - look harder :)

B - I shall see if I can spot any in the upcoming sales!

Emma - good heavens, so I did. But are they just for Christmas but for all year?