Thursday, 31 December 2009

2009 Boudoir Retrospective

Yes, it's that time of year again. Time to look back on the past 12 months in the Boudoir and forward to what 2010 might bring. More of the same is my guess.

January

A tired and hungover start to the blogging year as I resolved to exercise more, desist from posting when drunk and stop baiting stupid people online. My resolutions remained unbroken until the 4th January when I got drunk in an armchair and posted my thoughts on sex positive feminist lezzas.

February

Valentine's Day saw the Boudoir inundated with declarations of love from fellow bloggers and lurkers alike. My invitations ranged from dining out to dressing up in rubber and walloping the hell out of someone with a ping pong bat. Sadly I had to decline most of these - so many admirers, only one Luka! In the end I accepted one request from a Top International A-List Sex Blogger to accompany them to a roller disco in Crewe and another from Mystery Ex-Blogger X to go fuck myself.

March

Asked to promote a new sex toy called the Chuff Chinchilla, which is much like a Rabbit, only with more hair. I had to decline as I am already the face of FannyFunTastic, a great little company who make all sorts of sex toys out of organic, recyclable materials like marzipan, papier mache and felt. Besides, sex toy reviews are excruciatingly dull to read, no matter how much fun they are to do. Unless you're going to liven it up halfway through by saying that you suddenly noticed the window cleaner watching and furiously rubbing his chamois on the glass I really wouldn't bother.

April

Who can forget the auditions for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical? After weeks of tireless promotion a sponsor was finally found and preparations began for our two week run at the Horsey Windpump Community Theatre. The search began for a leading lady, someone who could combine a great singing voice with the ability to consume two bottles of Pinot Grigio on stage a night and still remember her lines. The auditions were vastly entertaining but finding that particular mix of foul mouthed abuse and loveable charm was proving difficult. In the end I decided to play myself.

May

A madcap whirl of interviews and shameless plugging to sell tickets for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical. On one memorable occasion I appeared on a breakfast TV show with my pants on my head. Many people thought this was to preserve my anonymity but really I was still over refreshed from intensive rehearsals the previous evening.

June

Opening night! The Horsey Windpump parish magazine commented "Luka gives an enthusiastic performance and convincingly captures the alcohol fuelled excesses of her late night blog posts. The dance routines are somewhat haphazard in nature, however, and the reviewer cannot help but note that the use of rollerskates on such a small stage was probably an unwise decision on the part of the choreographer."

July

Sadly the full two week run for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical didn't occur and the show folded after a mere three days. Ticket sales were disappointing and I was forced to conclude that the world just wasn't ready for my experimental interpretation of satirical sex blogging in song and on skates. Undaunted I immediately set about finding a sponsor for my new project, Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Animated Motion Picture.

August

The temperatures rose as bloggers sweated in the summer sun over their hot keyboards in a bid to win the coveted Sexiest Sex Blogger Award, as chosen by a couple of Americans who've had a blog for a few years now. Competition was fierce as everyone promoted their best post or most alluring arse pic in order to get noticed. I was stunned and confused to find that I had won third place, with the top two Sexiest Sex Blogger awards going to those who do actually write sexily about sex. Nevertheless I proudly accepted my title and displayed it prominently in my trophy room.

September

Embarked on an ill-fated relationship with another sex blogger. At first I was swept away by the promise of adventure and a starring role in future erotic blog posts, but I was disillusioned by the reality of a perfectly ordinary and tedious individual who happens to have been gifted with good writing skills, a sort of compensatory ability to make up for the lack of any others. On the plus side our one meeting over coffee has been transformed into a red hot post on their blog, involving licking latte foam off each other's buttocks and coming copiously all over the counter.

October

Indulged my gothic tendencies and celebrated Halloween for the entire month. When else can you paint your bosoms orange and see who can pick them out from the pumpkin line-up?

November

Whiled away the long, dark nights by discovering which ex bloggers have started new blogs and then stalking them. It's times like these I thank the deities for the internet as it is so much more comfortable lurking online than it used to be in the bushes.

December

More accolades as my long-awaited novel , "Luka", hits the shelves in time for Christmas. "A rip roaring, high octane, adrenaline-fuelled ride through the highs and lows of an online great" was one comment. Mine, to be precise. So far sales have been disappointing but I have high hopes for a January surge when the cover price is reduced to £1.99 and includes a free balloon.

13 comments:

Sulpicia said...

"When else can you paint your bosoms orange and see who can pick them out from the pumpkin line-up?"

Lucky girl. (Don't they get super-heavy and back-breaking, though?)

Have a great 2010, my sweet. XX S

Jackie Adshead said...

Can't wait for the film to come out after the musical and book!

Happy new year to you - hope 2010 is as fun filled as 2009 was for you!

nursemyra said...

How the hell did I miss out on tickets to your musical?!?

Walker said...

That was quite the year and i hope you continue to strut you way through 2010

Happy New Year

ceeej said...

Remind me to finagle myself an invite to your next halloween party.

Indigo said...

I never make new year resolutions... they never last longer than midday.. oh well the though was there. I never make promises either...HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

Riff Dog said...

So when you painted your bosoms orange and lined them up next to some pumpkins, were they hardest to pick out when amongst the $3 pumpkins, or amongst the $10 pumpkins?

I'm pissed off, by the way, that I paid full price for "Luka," only to now discover that it's about to be discounted, plus I never got a balloon!

fantasia Lillith said...

Looks like i missed a lot of fun!

Loved your comment on sex toy reviews!

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Luka said...

Sulpicia - Thank you, have a good one yourself! My bosoms are indeed super heavy and back breaking but I have exceptionally well scaffolded undergarments.

Jackie - And a Happy New Year to you, too, you talented thing!

NurseMyra - I blame the promoters. I said we needed more than two paragraph press release in the Horsey Windpump News.

Walker - cheers me dear! Here's hoping 2010 is a good year for you, too.

Ceeej - Consider it done.

Indigo - You are very wise! Happy New Year to you too :)

Riff Dog - They were uniformly hard to pick out, given their tough outer skin and convincing vines.

I wondered who bought the full price edition! Don't worry, I have some special balloons for you.

Fantasia Lilith - Glad you liked it - and never fear, every year is a rollercoaster ride of silliness here.

Anonymous - All my articles are brilliant, but I am glad you approve!

Glasjay said...

Aw, I was sure I'd get a mention in your 2009 retrospective :(

Luka said...

Glasjay - You'll be in the Director's Cut.

Glasjay said...

;)