Thursday, 31 December 2009

2009 Boudoir Retrospective

Yes, it's that time of year again. Time to look back on the past 12 months in the Boudoir and forward to what 2010 might bring. More of the same is my guess.


A tired and hungover start to the blogging year as I resolved to exercise more, desist from posting when drunk and stop baiting stupid people online. My resolutions remained unbroken until the 4th January when I got drunk in an armchair and posted my thoughts on sex positive feminist lezzas.


Valentine's Day saw the Boudoir inundated with declarations of love from fellow bloggers and lurkers alike. My invitations ranged from dining out to dressing up in rubber and walloping the hell out of someone with a ping pong bat. Sadly I had to decline most of these - so many admirers, only one Luka! In the end I accepted one request from a Top International A-List Sex Blogger to accompany them to a roller disco in Crewe and another from Mystery Ex-Blogger X to go fuck myself.


Asked to promote a new sex toy called the Chuff Chinchilla, which is much like a Rabbit, only with more hair. I had to decline as I am already the face of FannyFunTastic, a great little company who make all sorts of sex toys out of organic, recyclable materials like marzipan, papier mache and felt. Besides, sex toy reviews are excruciatingly dull to read, no matter how much fun they are to do. Unless you're going to liven it up halfway through by saying that you suddenly noticed the window cleaner watching and furiously rubbing his chamois on the glass I really wouldn't bother.


Who can forget the auditions for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical? After weeks of tireless promotion a sponsor was finally found and preparations began for our two week run at the Horsey Windpump Community Theatre. The search began for a leading lady, someone who could combine a great singing voice with the ability to consume two bottles of Pinot Grigio on stage a night and still remember her lines. The auditions were vastly entertaining but finding that particular mix of foul mouthed abuse and loveable charm was proving difficult. In the end I decided to play myself.


A madcap whirl of interviews and shameless plugging to sell tickets for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical. On one memorable occasion I appeared on a breakfast TV show with my pants on my head. Many people thought this was to preserve my anonymity but really I was still over refreshed from intensive rehearsals the previous evening.


Opening night! The Horsey Windpump parish magazine commented "Luka gives an enthusiastic performance and convincingly captures the alcohol fuelled excesses of her late night blog posts. The dance routines are somewhat haphazard in nature, however, and the reviewer cannot help but note that the use of rollerskates on such a small stage was probably an unwise decision on the part of the choreographer."


Sadly the full two week run for Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Musical didn't occur and the show folded after a mere three days. Ticket sales were disappointing and I was forced to conclude that the world just wasn't ready for my experimental interpretation of satirical sex blogging in song and on skates. Undaunted I immediately set about finding a sponsor for my new project, Barbed Wire Boudoir, the Animated Motion Picture.


The temperatures rose as bloggers sweated in the summer sun over their hot keyboards in a bid to win the coveted Sexiest Sex Blogger Award, as chosen by a couple of Americans who've had a blog for a few years now. Competition was fierce as everyone promoted their best post or most alluring arse pic in order to get noticed. I was stunned and confused to find that I had won third place, with the top two Sexiest Sex Blogger awards going to those who do actually write sexily about sex. Nevertheless I proudly accepted my title and displayed it prominently in my trophy room.


Embarked on an ill-fated relationship with another sex blogger. At first I was swept away by the promise of adventure and a starring role in future erotic blog posts, but I was disillusioned by the reality of a perfectly ordinary and tedious individual who happens to have been gifted with good writing skills, a sort of compensatory ability to make up for the lack of any others. On the plus side our one meeting over coffee has been transformed into a red hot post on their blog, involving licking latte foam off each other's buttocks and coming copiously all over the counter.


Indulged my gothic tendencies and celebrated Halloween for the entire month. When else can you paint your bosoms orange and see who can pick them out from the pumpkin line-up?


Whiled away the long, dark nights by discovering which ex bloggers have started new blogs and then stalking them. It's times like these I thank the deities for the internet as it is so much more comfortable lurking online than it used to be in the bushes.


More accolades as my long-awaited novel , "Luka", hits the shelves in time for Christmas. "A rip roaring, high octane, adrenaline-fuelled ride through the highs and lows of an online great" was one comment. Mine, to be precise. So far sales have been disappointing but I have high hopes for a January surge when the cover price is reduced to £1.99 and includes a free balloon.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Thank You for the Laughter

The Gift of Laughter. There is no finer thing to bring to anyone.

Sometimes people make me laugh intentionally. These are usually the people I love the most.

Sometimes people make me laugh unintentionally. These are usually the people I blog about.

Regardless, they all bring me great joy and for that I thank them. In song.

I'm something special, in fact I'm entirely unique
If I write a post, you'll probably laugh for a week
Cos I have a talent, a wonderful thing
Cos everyone reads my anarchic writing
I'm ungrateful and rude
I don't care if I'm cheered or I'm booed

So I say
Thank you for the laughter, the blogs I'm reading
Thanks for all the jokes they're seeding
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would my blog be?
Just reviews and nude photos of me?
So I say thank you for the laughter
For giving it to me

Mother says I was a blogger before I could type
She said I was self obsessed long before all the hype
And I've often wondered, how did it all start
Who found out that nothing can make egos smart
Like some mockery can?
Well, whoever it was, I'm a fan

So I say
Thank you for the laughter, the twats who got cross
Thanks for all their pompous pathos
Who can live without them, I ask in all honesty
Where would they be?
Without a strop or a flounce over me?
So I say thank you for the laughter
For giving it to me

Thursday, 17 December 2009

e[lust] #3

As a Top Sex Blogger of 2008 and 2009 I thought it was high time I joined in a bit more with my blogging peers online.

Some of you will remember how I used to take the piss out of the late, lamented Sugasm with my hilarious Shitasm spoofs but this new e(lust) thing is nothing like that at all. Well, all right, it is almost exactly like that but the important thing is that I got voted into the top three, which, as everyone knows, is the dogs bollocks and means I rock. And I didn't even vote for myself!

So thank you to all who voted for my silliness. It's a funny old world, isn't it?

* * *

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you're looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you're going to find it here. Want to be included in the next edition? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site's sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week's Top Three Posts ♦

Presence - I wish that you would look at me now. I am willing you to look at me now, over her body, rocking with the motion of her mouth. But you do not.

Restraint - “Do you like what you see?” the blonde asks. “Are you excited by what’s before you?” the redhead enquires. He nods.

What Not to Fetishwear - DON'T wear a PVC sleeveless vest if you fall into the rotund category. You will look like a bowling ball. With chubby arms.

e[lust] Editress

Fucking for Art - The proximity of their nakedness and my scrutiny resulted in this beautiful agony of arousal for them both. I asked if they would feel comfortable doing some poses of vaginal penetration for me, and they readily agreed.

♦ Featured Post

The Naked Truth - He didn’t just write a pretty story we could act out, he worked hard to delicately lay us out on the page together, as we are.

See also: Pleasurists #56 and #57 for all your sex toy review needs

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Tricky Balls
Propaganda Sucks in All Directions
What Not to Fetishwear
Wicked Grounds
Which Reindeer Sex Style Are You? Five Tuesday: 2010 AVN Award Nominees

Kink & Fetish

Come what may..
While I waited
Caning Before the Movies
Savoring Submission
The Ruler
Give In
Flagging brown
The Mummy Returns
Finding Power Through Play
Microfantasy Monday 24

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Wife Unsure About Sex With Others
Thought Provoked
The Naked Truth
December: Month of the Rant
Less is More
That's My Cervix!
Femme Invisibility
Are You Just Kinky or Is It a Lifestyle
Baby Steps and Giant Leaps
Cyber Sex

Erotic Writing

Friends with Benefits
The Tease
Cock. Confession #386
Cal's wisdom
Blinded and Bound
The Little Things...
The Witness
Quiet and Still
Giving and Receiving
Beasts in the Bathroom
Fixation: Touch
The Pussy Eating Challenge
An Oceans Release part 1
MFM: Etiquette
Office Party
Daydreams & Distractions Droit de Cuissage
Tant pis
Toys, toys, toys
Revenge (Pt. 1)
Claiming: Assume the Position

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Dear Father Christmas...

...I have been a very good girl all year. Pretty much. And even if I am ever naughty I am terribly good at it, which cancels out any badness, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Now, you're probably busy reading lots of blogger wishlists at this time of year - the sex bloggers asking for the kinds of toys only elves over 18 can make, the mummy bloggers asking for a good night's sleep, the political bloggers asking for change, the cookery bloggers asking for the kind of gadgets the sex bloggers wouldn't mind a go on and so forth. Still, I hope you can find time to read through a satirical anti-sex-blogger's list of festive desires and consider emptying your bulging sacks into my stocking come Christmas Eve.

This year, for Christmas, I would like:
  1. A pair of hold up stockings that actually hold up and don't roll down my pillowy thighs at inconvenient moments or, failing that:
  2. A pair of tights that fit the tall, full figured woman so that the crotch does not sit at knee level, leading to amusing yet undignified hobbling, and the waist band does not come up to one's armpits. (Who are these garments designed for - is it you, Santa?)
  3. A drum kit.
  4. Big, comfortable pants that are also alluring.
  5. Pubic hair to come back into fashion.
  6. Stroppy, fat, older women to come back into fashion.
  7. A Scalextric.
  8. An Indian Head Massage or a Nit Nurse of my very own.
  9. The salt, sugar and fat content to be reinstated to my favourite convenience foods. Bloody food police. My roast beef flavoured Monster Munch were crap without all the salt and E numbers. Ditto my Cup-a-Soup. I buy these things for a reason. If I wanted the healthy option I'd have bought an orange. Thank fuck for booze.
  10. Wine, and lots of it.

If you could see your way to granting me even just one or two of these requests I would be immensely grateful and won't drink your sherry and abuse the carrots for the reindeer before you get here this year.

Yours in anticipation,



Friday, 4 December 2009

Luka's Christmas Party Survival Guide

Reading Ms R's latest post on the pitfalls of the office party I thought I would do the decent thing and give you all the benefit of my extensive experience in such matters.

So here are my top tips for maximising the pleasure potential of the party season:

Before the Event
  • Do not eat. If you fill up on a proper lunch you are not going to get the benefit of all the free food on offer later and it'll take you far longer to get smashed. Partying on an empty stomach is the value for money choice!
  • Tart yourself up. This is the only time of year when it is acceptable to wear glitter, tinsel, baubles, antlers, novelty ties or even fur in public. If you turn up in an understated little black dress or suit no one will notice you and you'll look like you just couldn't make the effort. Presentation matters!

The Event Itself

  • Consume as much of the buffet as possible and put some in your handbag or pockets for later. Free food must always be fully appreciated. It means a lot to your host.
  • Ditto drink, if free. If you have to buy your own then slightly different rules apply - if you have to buy drinks from a bar then always put them on the company tab. If there isn't one claim there is and try to put them on it anyway. If it's a bring a bottle affair you can always try to upgrade your bargain bin purchase by cunningly switching your humble offering with a more expensive wine. The true pro will manage to blag several bottles of quality grog and stash them in their tights/the toilet cistern/the mop bucket thereby ensuring hours of drinking pleasure to come when everyone else is reduced to drinking the Liebfraumilch.
  • Dance like a maniac. No one likes a wallflower.
  • Sing too.
  • Take the opportunity to tell your colleagues how you really feel. Many experts will insist this is bad etiquette and will lead to awkwardness in the office come Monday morning, but much depends on how much Liebfraumilch your co-workers have also managed to put away.
  • Keep conversation lively. Avoid dull topics like work, families, hobbies etc and stick to subjects which everyone can join in with like religion, politics, sex toys, animal testing and medical problems.
  • Indulge your romantic side. If you've spent months flirting over the photocopier or bending over to retrieve paperclips you've "accidentally" dropped near the desk of that special co-worker you'd love to get to know better then now is your opportunity to fan the spark to a flame. The combination of mistletoe and alcohol is one which has swept aside inhibitions and undergarments since the days of the Druids, so don't be afraid to follow in the footsteps of this fine festive tradition. Grab a sprig and get smooching. Again, many experts will insist this is bad etiquette and will lead to awkwardness in the office come Monday morning, but many experts are terribly dull and spend their parties sipping mineral water, talking earnestly about current affairs and never get molested in a swivel chair.

After the Event

  • Post apologies on Twitter/Facebook/MySpace. Social networking saves a great deal of phonecalls or notecards.
  • Drink plenty of water.