Sunday, 29 November 2009

What Not to Fetishwear

We are all familiar with those makeover television shows that target the sartorially challenged. I have, however, spotted a gap in the market. As I idly browsed the internet this afternoon I discovered a whole group of badly attired people who desperately need a bit of fashion advice.

I am referring to those kinksters who insist on dressing in ill-fitting fetishwear. I understand that much of it may need to be mail ordered and trying before buying is not always easy but I still find it hard to take seriously any supposed Dom sporting a pair of too-short PVC trousers with superhero socks.

If you are a raving deviant and thinking of purchasing an overpriced garment with an inordinate amount of straps, buckles and chains attached, or perhaps some really, really stupid shoes, please read my helpful list of dos and don'ts first:

DO accentuate the positive. Ladies, this means lots of cleavage or lots of leg. Never both. Men, this means cover up as much of your body as you can. Remember bare chests are only attractive on about 2% of the male population for an even smaller percentage of their lifespan. If you're still unsure and think that revealing as much of your body as possible is the way to go, allow me to dip into popular culture to illustrate:

Not sexy.


DON'T wear skintight lycra or latex unless you think looking like a Black Pudding is sexually alluring.

DO use plenty of talc.

DON'T think wearing 5 inch platforms will disguise the fact that you are below average height. You will still look like a shortarse, just in really, really stupid shoes.

DO invest in a good corset. You can't go wrong.

DON'T wear a PVC sleeveless vest if you fall into the rotund category. You will look like a bowling ball. With chubby arms. Opt for a well tailored shirt instead, it is a far sexier look.

DO remember that just because you find a certain garment sexy it does not automatically follow that you will look sexy in that garment. A backless pair of PVC shorts may look great on the model on the website but very different when your hairy buttocks are protruding from them like a pair of Woolly Mammoth testicles.

DON'T wear ill fitting clothes just because it's fetishwear. It may be real leather and cost a month's wages but if it doesn't fit it won't do you any favours. If it is too tight (and yes, this is possible, even with kinkwear), too loose, too short in the leg or hangs off your body unflatteringly then change it for something that's right. The school nerd look is not generally a good one, even if that school nerd is wearing a shiny black tank top with matching trousers that barely skim his ankles.

DO get a second opinion.

DON'T wear your glasses over your latex hood.

DO let me know if I've missed anything.


Pateinduced said...

I like the greasy bowling ball look. With hairy arms, like moldy pooh stuck to them. How else are cartoons created?

Glasjay said...

Nope, I think you've covered everything, including my keyboard in tea!

Scarlet said...

All covered and marvellously so, however I am short and always wear 5 inch heels..... For work and kink alike, I think the problem with heels is in the wearer being unable to walk in them perhaps?

Glasjay said...

I work in a large office building and regularly see many women wearing high heels.
It's amazing how some can walk very elegantly and sexily in heels yet some other women walk like a gorilla wearing a full nappy.

Ceeej said...

I might be losing my perspective here, but having spent a few years on t'internet now, I'm beginning to suspect it's me that's got the fetish.

I don't wear PVC or leather outfits (I'd look like a bloody walrus), I don't think I'd enjoy having my balls trodden on or tied up so tight that they turn into pair of beetroots (albeit baby beets but I digress) and I almsot certainly wouldn't enjoy having things pushed up my bum, strapped on to someone else or otherwise.

I don't get the point of dressing up like a teddy bear or overgrown rabbit unless it's for a fancy dress party and even then it's a bit odd..

In fact, using the Internet as a yardstick, I'm disturbingly perverted, possibly even a danger to society.

Walker said...

How you hide is sexier that what you show

Helga Hansen said...

That mankini is *definitely* not an attractive look!!!

I'm patently not kinky, because I don't think I own one item of clothing that would fall into any of your categories - unless we include the black heavy-duty kitchen gloves lurking somewhere under the sink!! :D

Jackie Adshead said...

As ever, you're insightful, helpful and amusing! :)

The "less is more" look is best avoided for the "more is more" concept in this case for a hint of mystery and allure. And without a fit of the giggles developing.......

Luka said...

Pateinduced - do you know, I never really considered where cartoons come from. It makes sense.

Glasjay - dirty boy!

Scarlet - I can't walk elegantly in heels for long. My legs and feet start to complain quite early on and because I am so very tall anyway I inevitably knock myself out on a doorway or low beam at some point.

Glasjay again - I fall into the gorilla camp methinks.

Ceeej - you're just weird.

Walker - quite so.

Helga - I never got onto body jewellery though... :)

Jackie - I only know these things because of my own errors :)

nursemyra said...

I like the penultimate one best!

Luka said...

Nursemyra - it is Not a Good Look.

Helga Hansen said...

I've ditched the nipple ring... it was so last season! :D

Luka said...

Helga - I am so behind the times!

Dangerous Lilly said...

"A backless pair of PVC shorts may look great on the model on the website but very different when your hairy buttocks are protruding from them like a pair of Woolly Mammoth testicles."

I damn near fell off my chair laughing at that.

Luka said...

Dangerous Lilly - I do like to entertain as well as inform.

Vanilla Kinks said...

This post would have only been made better by including pictures of the "don't" like they do in the back of Glamour magazine.

Luka said...

Vanilla Kinks - I considered it but felt that the images which inspired this post were too easily identifiable and, despite my carefully cultivated online persona, I really didn't want to hurt any specific individuals feelings.

Phone Slut said...

Hilarious post and totally dead-on! Just because it is available in your size does not mean you should wear it!

Amb said...

hecca funny. and so true.

Luka said...

Phone Slut - quite so, and applicable to all clothing of course!

Amb - glad you like it!

Fantasia Lillith said...

I have not laughed like this in a long time!

Luka said...

Fantasia Lilith - love your name! Thanks, glad it entertained you.