Tuesday, 3 November 2009

A Fairy Tale of Blogland

Once upon a time there was a talented young writer who desperately wanted to get published.

"I know," they thought, "I could start a blog. Then everyone will see how very good at writing I am and I will be offered a book deal at once!"

So they wrote a few posts, and they made some online friends, and their blog became quite popular. But still they were unhappy because they didn't see blogging as proper, respectable, show-off-to-your-mates-down-the-pub writing. They sighed and they wept and they followed all the big names on Twitter and sucked all the top A-List blogger arses, but still they went unpublished.

Then, one night, as the young writer was despairing of ever being discovered by anyone with any sort of publishing influence at all, their Fairy Godmother appeared and said "You shall have a paperback!"

She waved her magic wand and the blog was magically transformed into a book.

"Wow," breathed the writer. "That's fantastic. Can I get on the telly, too?"

"I don't do three wishes, I'm not a fucking genie,"retorted the Fairy Godmother, testily. But she waved her magic wand again and - shazam! - the writer got a slot on daytime TV to plug their book. "Remember," said the Fairy Godmother, "I can magic you a book deal and get you onto the breakfast show but then it's up to you to keep coming up with the written goods if you want to stay in the game."

"Yeah, yeah," said the writer absently, firing off Tweets and status updates galore to let everyone know when to tune in.

So the writer was immersed in a whirl of publicity and book sales went well. But the advice from the Fairy Godmother was soon forgotten and while the Tweets, Facebook updates, texts and emails saying "buy my book" and "look at me" kept flowing the blog was neglected and no new material appeared. The writer claimed to be busy working on their next book but everyone knew they were really just watching YouTube and drinking. It said so in their Tweets.

The writer's popularity began to fade and when they sent messages saying "look at my book" if anyone could be arsed to reply at all it was to say "shut up about your book. We've all seen it by now, cluttering up the bargain bins in Waterstones. What else can you do?"

"I could publish a book of my best Tweets," the writer offered, hopefully. But nobody was interested because there was already a bestselling Tweetbook by Stephen Fry and even that was pretty fucking boring.

"I warned you," said the Fairy Godmother, returning in a puff of glitter and fag smoke. "I'll grant you one last wish, even though I'm not a genie," she added.

"Thank you Fairy Godmother! I just don't know how to win back my old readers and attract new ones. You can't please one group without upsetting the others. I just wish I could make everyone happy."

So the Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and - ta-dah! - the writer was turned into a frog and could no longer use a laptop.

And everyone lived happily ever after.


Popular A-List satirical blogger Luka, 38, in Fairy Tale probing earlier this week.

17 comments:

Suzanne Portnoy said...

You obviously missed Sky One tonight then...

Luka said...

Suzanne - I did, yes - what did I miss?

Ceeej said...

Clicky for bigger please...

Scuttles off to check Sky one schedule...

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Made it to Sky News with moments to spare. Slot done, now in the (same) cab back home. Will I have to direct the driver again, I wonder?

Luka said...

Ceeej - I have no idea how to do that. Isn't it big enough already?

Suzanne - what subject were you speaking on?

pateinduced said...

What is in the basket? Just nosey...

What a sad story.

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Her twitter feed.... sorry bad copy and paste job.

Luka said...

Pateinduced - it is the head of the Big Bad Wolf.

Suzanne - whose twitter feed?

Ceeej said...

Ahh, no need for clicky to make bigger (although there were other advantages), it's the wolf's head.

Tragic story, someone should write a book about it, perhaps a semi autobigraphical blog format type book?

I'll see if I still have the phone number for Monday books, they seem to publish a lot of that sort of tat...

Glasjay said...

Ah, so that's what happened to him

Ceeej said...

Imitated the great oozlem bird.

Luka said...

Ceeej - I imagine some variation on the story is being written as I type.

Oozlem bird? Is that the one that flies up its own arse?

Caramella said...

I've been reading through Ms Robinson's archives recently - her comments about Girl with a One Track Mind's book are priceless and wonderfully acidic. And exactly how does one manage to write a book between all the onanistic tweeting, status updates and fisting? It's enough to make your eyes water.

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Sorry, 'The Girl'. Took me a while to get back to this...
On a personal note, I actually really like her but, I agree, her twitter feeds are not doing her any favours.

Ceeej said...

Yeah, that's the Ooozlem bird, flies around in ever decreasing circles until...

Frankly, I gave up reading her shortly after she got outed and started doing the 'meeja' thing, that was the departure lounge for the flight of the oozlem IMHO. Shame, damn good stuff before then but got all self important and self obsessed afterwards.

Walker said...

That's what happens when you get to many wishes

Luka said...

Caramella - hello! I think it's all about prioritising ones workload. Or fibbing about all the time-consuming fisting.

Yes, Ms R does write most entertainingly on the subject of The Girl.

Suzanne - Ah, of course, I should have guessed as much.

Ceeej - it's a common phenomenon, and not restricted to The Girl. I am aware of Other Bloggers who have also achieved a degree of success and immediately disappeared up their own fundament.

Walker - exactly. Always be careful what you wish for!