Sunday, 29 November 2009

What Not to Fetishwear

We are all familiar with those makeover television shows that target the sartorially challenged. I have, however, spotted a gap in the market. As I idly browsed the internet this afternoon I discovered a whole group of badly attired people who desperately need a bit of fashion advice.

I am referring to those kinksters who insist on dressing in ill-fitting fetishwear. I understand that much of it may need to be mail ordered and trying before buying is not always easy but I still find it hard to take seriously any supposed Dom sporting a pair of too-short PVC trousers with superhero socks.

If you are a raving deviant and thinking of purchasing an overpriced garment with an inordinate amount of straps, buckles and chains attached, or perhaps some really, really stupid shoes, please read my helpful list of dos and don'ts first:

DO accentuate the positive. Ladies, this means lots of cleavage or lots of leg. Never both. Men, this means cover up as much of your body as you can. Remember bare chests are only attractive on about 2% of the male population for an even smaller percentage of their lifespan. If you're still unsure and think that revealing as much of your body as possible is the way to go, allow me to dip into popular culture to illustrate:

Not sexy.


DON'T wear skintight lycra or latex unless you think looking like a Black Pudding is sexually alluring.

DO use plenty of talc.

DON'T think wearing 5 inch platforms will disguise the fact that you are below average height. You will still look like a shortarse, just in really, really stupid shoes.

DO invest in a good corset. You can't go wrong.

DON'T wear a PVC sleeveless vest if you fall into the rotund category. You will look like a bowling ball. With chubby arms. Opt for a well tailored shirt instead, it is a far sexier look.

DO remember that just because you find a certain garment sexy it does not automatically follow that you will look sexy in that garment. A backless pair of PVC shorts may look great on the model on the website but very different when your hairy buttocks are protruding from them like a pair of Woolly Mammoth testicles.

DON'T wear ill fitting clothes just because it's fetishwear. It may be real leather and cost a month's wages but if it doesn't fit it won't do you any favours. If it is too tight (and yes, this is possible, even with kinkwear), too loose, too short in the leg or hangs off your body unflatteringly then change it for something that's right. The school nerd look is not generally a good one, even if that school nerd is wearing a shiny black tank top with matching trousers that barely skim his ankles.

DO get a second opinion.

DON'T wear your glasses over your latex hood.

DO let me know if I've missed anything.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Barbed Wire Bollocks Busters!

An occasional feature in which I, your glamorous hostess, raconteur and expert on all things sexual, debunk popular myths and misconceptions as being utter bollocks.

Cunnilingus is not depicted as often as fellatio in pornography because there's so little to see.

This is utter bollocks. Cunnilingus is not depicted as often as fellatio because pornographers are lazy, talentless cunts and most consumers of pornography have been happily brainwashed into believing that only the external displays of male sexuality merit recording. Because it is harder to film the female orgasm most pornographers just don't. The nearest you'll get is a bit of fake gushing because ejaculations are what they know. ("Oh why can't a woman be more like a man?" they sigh whilst inserting the turkey baster between takes to reload the poor old porno fanny for another fake climax).

I just don't buy into the idea that fellatio is more interesting to watch than cunnilingus. How is a head bobbing up and down on a veiny prong any more entertaining for twenty minutes than a head moving in small circles on a fleshy mound? It's the bigger picture I want, the sighs and gasps, the arching of the back, the tautening of nipples, the creased brow and bitten lip. Subtle stuff but far sexier than a standard porno gobble. Still, while the punters require an obvious conclusion (these must be the same people who can't cope with ambiguous endings to books and films and need narration to tell them the moral of the story) we're stuck with buckets of fake fluids being flicked across the set.

Sex-Positive Pansexual Polyamorous Feminist Kink Queer Community Blogging

Utter bollocks.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

What's In It For Me?

Some kinks I just don't get. Some are the big obvious ones like shagging donkeys, pooing on glass topped coffee tables or rubbing your parts on a splintery fence.

Others are more low key and, apparently, more commonly shared turn-ons, from having your arse spanked until it goes purple to orgasm denial and chastity.

Well, actually I do get the spanking thing. I understand the pleasure/pain combination even though I cannot receive pain in a sexual situation myself. Well, I can but I tend to lash out in retaliation which spoils the moment. The stimulus may be all in play but my response is sadly all too real and on the violent side. Still, you poke the hornet's nest (not a euphemism, but it could be) and what do you expect?

The orgasm denial and chastity thing has always been a puzzler for me. I enjoy reading Tom Allen's Edge of Vanilla and while I have learned much from his honest and engaging posts it is still an alien landscape for a greedy hedonist such as myself. Delayed gratification? You might as well suggest I save some chocolate for later.

Then I read this post over on Monmouth's blog. If you can't be arsed to follow the link it's about a girl on the blob who, rather than wanting nothing more than to spend an hour curled up on the sofa with a hot water bottle, eating Maltesers while wearing a dressing gown and thick, warm men's socks, yearns to be on her knees and used as an oral wanking aid.

I'm not even sure if she gets a cushion to kneel on. My knees would be killing me after a few minutes and I'd have to use the stiffy in question for leverage back up and then retire to the chaise longue.

I am entirely baffled as to what's in this scenario for the lady. Other than a mouthful of spunk and, to be honest, I've come to want more from life. Judging by the comments though many women would like nothing more than to have their pulsating ladyparts ignored and untouched as they gamely suck and gag, getting walloped intermittently in the chin by some sweaty balls. Whilst menstruating, I hasten to add, a time more traditionally associated with intense bouts of stroppiness and a less than altruistic mindset.

Is this really a popular scenario or has it just gone through the 70% bullshit enhancement feature I belive is built into most sexual online interactions? An unfeasibly large number of men on adult dating sites, for example, claim to adore cunnilingus and profess to love going down for hours. Conversely, do a comparable number of women online claim to love sucking cock with no pressure to have to find the clitoris for reciprocal pleasure?

What are your thoughts?

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Let It Grow

When you first left I was bereft
I cried about you all night long
But then I knew what I should do
I let my pubic hair grow long

My underwear is full of hair
It's like Chewbacca in a thong
Now you're not here I just don't care
I let my pubic hair grow long

The time I save now I don't shave!
To wear fanny fur isn't wrong
I won't pluck ahead of a fuck
I let my pubic hair grow long.

Monday, 9 November 2009

I Am A Top Sex Blogger of 2009, Apparently

Happy days!

Rori over at Between My Sheets has posted her list of Top Sex Bloggers 2009 and there, nestling between Ms Justine and Ang, is my good self at number 57.

I was surprised enough to be on the list for 2008 and felt sure this was an oversight which would be corrected next time round, but to see I am on the list again has jettisoned me beyond raised eyebrows and straight into mouth open territory.

This only goes to show that the vast majority of sex bloggers have a great sense of humour and don't get hysterical about grumpy old ratbags posting crap. So I wave a cheery two fingers at those uppity "literate" types who no longer blog because they are so deathly fucking dull and no one likes them. "Stick your Moleskine notebook up your arse," I say. "Silliness and posts about sex toys made of Lego, that's what the punters want. And, by god, they'll get them!"

Sunday, 8 November 2009

I Am A Great Read, Apparently

The immensely talented Jackie Adshead has chosen me as one of her ten recipients of a You Are a Great Read award.

You might think that this award is utterly meaningless and just another example of those tedious me-me-memes that recur like herpes outbreaks, but you'd be wrong.

This award is special because it gives me something to toss off quickly (quiet at the back) with minimum effort, thereby leaving the rest of the weekend free for other pursuits.

Right, according to the terms and conditions attached to this award I now have to tell you ten things I do each day.

Yes, I know, it does sound like it will be a riveting read, doesn't it? But don't worry, I shall try not to go for the obvious. (1. Get up 2. Go to the toilet 3. Eat food. 4. Blog 5. Wank 6. Shower 7. Have a drink 8. Watch telly 9. Read book 10. Sleep.) I shall endeavour to make this an enjoyable experience for the both of us.

Ten Things I Do Every Day:

  1. Annoy somebody. It could be an amusing blog post about what a twat someone is, or throwing peanuts at someone while they are watching their favourite film or eating all the ice cream. It could be flagging up injustices at work, it could be drawing a comedy moustache on someones favourite picture or refusing to get off the spacehopper, despite the health and safety concerns raised by those who think it's a stupid idea when carrying hot soup. Whatever the situation you can be sure someone, somewhere, is getting annoyed.
  2. Ignore the phone. I hardly ever answer a ringing phone and never call anyone unless I am on fire or something. This often leads to point 1, above.
  3. Cyberstalk various friends and acquaintances. This isn't sinister, it's just being interested.
  4. Write something utterly hilarious and award winning.
  5. Fail to keep my "no alcohol for me tonight" pledge.
  6. Discover that I can't just have one biscuit after all.
  7. Find a food item in my cleavage.
  8. Stay up much later than intended.
  9. Oil my sensual, naked body and take photos of myself to send to my favourite readers.
  10. Vow to start anew.

So, there you go. If I were the type to stick to the rules I would now bestow 10 people with the "You Are a Great Read" award and they would post their own 10 things they do every day. But I am not the type, nor am I particularly interested in a post about what anyone else does each day as I doubt it will be as good as mine. So I'm not going to (see point 1 above.)

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

A Fairy Tale of Blogland

Once upon a time there was a talented young writer who desperately wanted to get published.

"I know," they thought, "I could start a blog. Then everyone will see how very good at writing I am and I will be offered a book deal at once!"

So they wrote a few posts, and they made some online friends, and their blog became quite popular. But still they were unhappy because they didn't see blogging as proper, respectable, show-off-to-your-mates-down-the-pub writing. They sighed and they wept and they followed all the big names on Twitter and sucked all the top A-List blogger arses, but still they went unpublished.

Then, one night, as the young writer was despairing of ever being discovered by anyone with any sort of publishing influence at all, their Fairy Godmother appeared and said "You shall have a paperback!"

She waved her magic wand and the blog was magically transformed into a book.

"Wow," breathed the writer. "That's fantastic. Can I get on the telly, too?"

"I don't do three wishes, I'm not a fucking genie,"retorted the Fairy Godmother, testily. But she waved her magic wand again and - shazam! - the writer got a slot on daytime TV to plug their book. "Remember," said the Fairy Godmother, "I can magic you a book deal and get you onto the breakfast show but then it's up to you to keep coming up with the written goods if you want to stay in the game."

"Yeah, yeah," said the writer absently, firing off Tweets and status updates galore to let everyone know when to tune in.

So the writer was immersed in a whirl of publicity and book sales went well. But the advice from the Fairy Godmother was soon forgotten and while the Tweets, Facebook updates, texts and emails saying "buy my book" and "look at me" kept flowing the blog was neglected and no new material appeared. The writer claimed to be busy working on their next book but everyone knew they were really just watching YouTube and drinking. It said so in their Tweets.

The writer's popularity began to fade and when they sent messages saying "look at my book" if anyone could be arsed to reply at all it was to say "shut up about your book. We've all seen it by now, cluttering up the bargain bins in Waterstones. What else can you do?"

"I could publish a book of my best Tweets," the writer offered, hopefully. But nobody was interested because there was already a bestselling Tweetbook by Stephen Fry and even that was pretty fucking boring.

"I warned you," said the Fairy Godmother, returning in a puff of glitter and fag smoke. "I'll grant you one last wish, even though I'm not a genie," she added.

"Thank you Fairy Godmother! I just don't know how to win back my old readers and attract new ones. You can't please one group without upsetting the others. I just wish I could make everyone happy."

So the Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and - ta-dah! - the writer was turned into a frog and could no longer use a laptop.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Popular A-List satirical blogger Luka, 38, in Fairy Tale probing earlier this week.