Monday, 19 October 2009

Ask Luka - The Cybersex Query

Another week, another reader dilemma.

"Dear Luka

What do you do when someone only ever says hello online, in chat, when they want a wank?

It's really insulting. I can ping them with endless 'hey there's and 'how're you?'s and they just ignore me. That doesn't bother me particularly as I know other people have stuff going on in their real lives and can't always respond. What does annoy me is that when this person does finally deign to drop me a line it's inevitably because they are horny and want me to shove the webcam up my nightie.

What would you advise?

Fed Up of Hands Free"

This problem is more common than you might expect, Fed Up of Hands Free. While you don't specify gender in your email I'm assuming your masturbatory messenger is a man as this, in my experience, is very much a blokey trait. (Unless you, dear readers, know otherwise, and if so do feel free to educate me in the comments box).

The thing is, men are really, really good at compartmentalising. They can divide and sub-divide their lives into convenient packages - Work, Play, Food, Fuck, Toilet, Pub - and give each their total attention. Individually. The ability to focus so completely means that men can only concentrate on one compartment at a time. So while on some level they recognise you are a lovely person with a multi-faceted personality and deserving of an in-depth conversation about how your day went, they are unable to act upon it whilst already thinking about dinner, for example.

The more advanced male will make an effort later, once you fill his field of vision at some point. The less advanced male will not. He is unlikely to make contact until his bollocks need emptying and you happen to fill his field of vision at a serendipitous moment. At which point he is unlikely to ask about your day as he is now entirely focused upon his cock. It's not meant to be offensive, it's just that you're there, you're a woman and - should you prove willing to type a few "oh yeah"s and "fuck me"s or, even better, get your tits out on camera and insert various root vegetables up your flange - you're much cheaper than phoning a dedicated wankline.

In contrast the female ability to multitask means that while Mr Only Says Hi When He's Horny is going hands free in one window, you can continue several other online conversations, update your blog, watch a film, jot some notes for work tomorrow, organise your music collection and tidy the living room, so your time won't be entirely wasted if you decide to indulge him.

On the other hand you might think exchanges mostly consisting of "what are you wearing?", "mmmm", "I'm going to cum" and then watching a blurry webcam image of them spodging onto their keyboard are no big loss and just set your messenger status to "busy".


Glasjay said...

Horny single minded guy: can you turn your web cam on?
Bored annoyed multi tasking gal:'s broke sorry.
HSMG: ah well never mind, what you wearing?
BAMTG: *rolls eyes* grey joggy bottoms with paint on them, a jack daniels t-shirt with what could be bean stains on it, a bra that was once white but is now grey and has a bit of underwire sticking out, big comfy knickers with loose elastic and pink slippers that used to be fuzzy but are now shiny. What are you wearing big boy?

problem solved :)

Glasjay said...

Sorry to do two comments in a row but I forgot to ask you, do you live on the second floor? :)

Carnalis said...

*taking notes*

there is a certain satisfaction in some subtle cyber manipulation while multi-tasking - even though it is more likely to give me a fit of giggles rather than an orgasm. At least my pelvic floor gets a work out, either way.

Luka said...

Glasjay - that could work, though I have known single minded chaps who struggle gamely on nonetheless. I do not live on the second floor and if I should walk into a door the door would come off worse.

Carnalis - laughter - proper, wild, uncontrollable, uninhibited laughter - is every bit as pleasing and beneficial as an orgasm.

Glasjay said...

Yeah that is true, loose knicker elastic actually does it for me sometimes. And if they're threadbare enough for the tweety pie tattoo to show through even better.
So you don't live upstairs from me then?

trumpeter said...

Multi-tasking is a myth: the only reason women think they can do it is because none of the things that women generally do require a lot of concentration.

Luka said...

Glasjay - Just don't ask me.

(How do you feel about fluffy slippers?)

Trumpeter - granted some things can be done absent-mindedly (sexy chat, nodding through talk about engines, giving hand-jobs, etc) but others require great focus and skill (choosing the right pair of shoes, putting on eyeliner, brain surgery etc).

Glasjay said...

I thought I heard something late at night. Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight. None of my business mind you.

(warm and fuzzy. Ha ha did you see what I did there?...*gets coat*

cinnamon girl said...

Hello, came over here from aag.

This post is simply brilliant. Thanks so much.

Luka said...

Glasjay - I did indeed see what you did there!

Cinnamon Girl - hello! Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed my silliness.

Glasjay said...

No flies on you Luka, actually there's one! No, wait, it's a raisin

Luka said...

Glasjay - that is uncannily accurate, for I have scoffed numerous oatflake and raisin cookies today.

Glasjay said...

And I rest my case.
May I?
*scoffs raisin*

Glasjay said...

Sorry for the two comments in a row thing again, I was going to wait for a new post but I have the patience of an impatient person.
I'm looking for your opinion please, I'm thinking about starting up my own sex blog, but I can't decided on a name for it.
I've narrowed it down to these three "Erotic, lust fuelled, sexual tales of lusty, erotic sex", "Superbly and cleverly written tales of private trysts with various debauched bints made public" or "Wank fodder".
What do you think? Other suggestions are also very welcome.

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Luka: Thanks so much. This made my for a pleasant diversion in between watching the football, making a bagel sandwich, drinking a glass of wine and editing my play.

Luka said...

Glasjay - no need to apologise, sometimes once just isn't enough. Personally, I like "Wank Fodder" although you might also like to consider "The G-Spot", "Underpant Memoirs" or "Spunk Bubbles".

Suzanne - always happy to provide a momentary diversion!

Glasjay said...

The G-Spot - clever I like it.
Spunk Bubble - has a good ring to it.
Underpant Memoirs - this is my favourite.

What about, Tales of the Underpant? Like tales of the riverbank but with copious amounts of nookie in it?

Luka said...

Glasjay - I don't see how that could fail.

Glasjay said...

Thank you Luka, you are the queen of awesome