"Come in, come in! Have a seat, make yourself comfortable. Sprawl on the chaise longue, why don't you? No, don't move the throw, it's hiding a multitude of sins. Now, tea or coffee?"
"Tea, please! Earl Grey for preference, with a splash of milk - or Peppermint, if you have it."
I sigh as I root around in the cupboard, behind the box of PG Tips, to find the poncy tea bags. It might take a few minutes so I skilfully start the interview while I clatter about in the kitchen.
"Some people reading this will be familiar with your work, and some will be discovering you for the first time. For the benefit of new or lazy readers, could you sum up who you are and what you blog about?"
"Hello, new and/or lazy readers. I am Dee, a native of kiwi-land (aka New Zealand). I am a geek, female-bodied, civilly unioned, kinky as all hell, fat (and love my body), pansexual and polyamorous. Also, I'm an exhibitionist, a writer, and a lover. And a fan of choosing my own labels."
"And for the benefit of our pervier readers, what are you wearing?"
"Currently I am wearing bright blue knickers, bloomers (yes, really), a long black and blue skirt, a dark blue satin sleeveless top, and blue earrings. It's a blue day!"
"I did notice your bloomers as you climbed onto the chaise longue earlier. Here's your Earl Grey. Don't mind that, it's just a dog hair. So, how long have you been at this blogging malarky now?"
"I've been writing online since 2000, and writing as Curvaceous Dee since Jan 1, 2006. So in sex-blogger years, I'm geriatric."
"Do you still blog for the same reasons as you started? Some bloggers - especially the longer established ones, like yourself - have moved on to book deals or other profitable ventures. Any plans in that direction yourself? Will we ever see "Curvaceous Dee" the book/mini series/action figure?"
"Well, I started blogging to write. I still blog to write, although there's more photography going on now than when I started - my love for my body has increased mightily. While I've always planned to get off my arse and become a published author, it's more likely to be poetry or erotica than a series based on posts.
Not that I'm averse to having an action figure made!"
"And just think of the accessories to go with it! You'd need lots of batteries though. Speaking of which, I see you're an official greeter for Fetlife. Do you have to be superkinky and up for a Real Life (tm) pounding in latex to be a part of the community?"
"A pounding in latex sounds quite delectable, but it's absolutely not required to be a part of FetLife. To be a greeter, possibly! There are well over 200,000 people on FetLife now, and all that's required is to be open to kink, perversion, and depravity :) After all, it's free to join!"
"I'm not sure I'm kinky enough to truly benefit from it. Mind you, I'm currently working on my Sex Blogger Shag Map (a glittering constellation of online names) which, when all the dots are connected, I hope will spell out a very rude word. A straight line is for full body contact, a dashed line is for cybersex and an asterisk means you once tried to sauce them up but they closed their blog. Where does Curvaceous Dee fit into the map?"
"Well, I'm reasonably certain that I would remember if you and I had any contact - full-body, cyber, or otherwise! And while you're terribly saucy, my blog is still very open (just like me).
As for my own Sex Blogger Shag Map, there are a few bloggers out there I've gotten nekkid with - but they all were friends with me before they started blogging ... "
"What would you say to those who reckon being poly and pansexual is just being greedy?"
"I'd say they're absolutely right, and if they have an issue with it, to come and see me! Just because I'm attracted to a whole lot of different people, not to mention have great sex with many of them, doesn't mean that they're not still available for everyone else to be attracted to, and possibly have sex with. The more the merrier, I say!"
"So, who would you rather cruise the universe with - Dr Who or Captain Jack?"
"I suspect that I'd have absolutely amazing sexcapades with Captain Jack - and there'd be a lot of 'cruising' going on too. Plus, Jack is Jack - with the Dr I'd never know what body's going to be around next week."
"Ah, but I know you're all about the body acceptance. One of the things I love about your blog is how body positive you are. It breaks my heart to see gorgeous women fretting about non-existant flaws or to hear about women who never let their husband see them naked. What do you think is the key to body confidence? Should HNT be compulsory for anyone who thinks they have a large bottom?"
"I think HNT should be compulsory for everyone, whether they have a large bottom or a teeny one. All bodies are deserving of love - wobbly bits, scarred bits, 'perfect' bits and all. As for the key to body confidence? Well, when I started to realise that others' bodies were beautiful, I figured out that my own was as well. HNT is great for that - there's such an amazing variety of bodies out there, and they're all worthy of being seen."
"So, how do you feel about photoshopping images before posting them online?"
"Photoshopping is fine, as long as it's limited to a) scrubbing out pimples, b) cropping for effect, and c) playing with colours. Everything else should be left alone."
"Be honest though, when you're browsing through HNT pictures have you ever seen one that made you think 'oh dear, that was a mistake'?"
"I don't recall any having that effect, actually. Except for when the photoshopping is terrible. I just don't get tired of checking them all out every week!"
"I have often enjoyed - and, indeed lampooned - your raunchy reviews. If a sex toy company sent you a terrible product would you review it honestly or fudge the issue to ensure you still kept getting freebies?"
"The answer to that is: honestly. Which I've done - there are some shite products out there! The absolutely worst review I've ever given was to a DVD sent to me, which thankfully I've palmed off to someone who'd appreciate it more. That said, the second worst review I've ever given was for something I bought myself ... so there you go!
I can only be thankful that no one was tormenting me with the latter while I was watching the former."
"Ah, but that sounds like a winning formula for a Fleshbot to me. Depends how far you're prepared to go to keep things entertaining though. Blog drama - would you ever do it?"
"Hmm. I don't think so, mostly because I'm perpetually behind the times when it comes to drama. But I'll make an exception if you're talking shit about me, Luka! In that instance I'd have to get all reactionary, and stuff."
"I am a pussycat these days. The times they are a-changing. Sugasm has fallen on its arse, getting a Fleshbot does not generate the numbers of wank hungry readers it once did, some of my favourite blogs have gone tits up - do you think sex blogging is in decline?"
"I think sex blogging is changing - but it's always done that. When I started there were only a few dozen around (that I was aware), and of those a mere handful are still going. There was a big boom in reviewing starting about 18 months ago, and I feel that a lot of readers - and bloggers - have gone off that now too. But there are new bloggers - some good writers, some almost spam - starting all the time, and there will always be readers, although they come and go too!
I think the sex blogging community, especially in twitter, is nice and strong - there are good connections, and friendships, being made."
"And finally, where are you off to once you've finished this interview?"
"Bed with my husband - once I've finished my cup of tea, that is!"
"Thank you, Curvaceous Dee. I think we all feel that little bit closer to you now. I certainly do, but this chaise longue is a bit on the small side for the both of us."