Monday, 7 September 2009

Bonkers Blogger Found in Cat Flap

"Luka had her head up my cat flap!" a fellow blogger sensationally claimed last night.

Boudoir Babe Luka, 35, is well known for her sporadic outbursts of filth and bad poetry but has caused concern of late by her lengthy absences and depressive posts.


"I knew she'd been a bit down lately," said Mystery Blogger X, who prefers to remain anonymous. "Things have been tough for Luka for a while now but we all thought she'd just have a kebab and a bottle of Pinot Grigio, do some drunken sweary blogging and be right as rain in the morning. It usually works a treat.


"I think her cat dying just pushed her over the edge. We'd find her cradling tins of cat food in the pet food aisle in the supermarket. Then we found her trying to knit a replacement cat out of the fur she'd saved from the hoover bag. When I tried to talk to her about it she chased me round the room with the crevice nozzle. That should have alerted us that there might be a problem. But then again she's always been quirky."


Mystery Blogger X went on to describe how Luka became increasingly distanced from reality. "She started to claim to be able to talk to cats and even said she was writing a novel dictated by the stray tom who lives in her wood shed. I read a bit of it while she was in the loo and it was dreadful, just page after page of vole dismemberment scenes and badly faked paw prints.

When she returned she tried to sit in my lap and rub her head on my chin. I was flattered, and a little bit aroused, but I knew this wasn't right. I knew she'd gone proper mental."


Mystery Blogger X's fears were confirmed when she found Luka stuck in her cat flap later that evening. "I woke up in the middle of the night and went downstairs to get a drink of water. I heard this strange noise, a sort of strangulated yowling. It was coming from the back door and when I went to look I saw Luka with her head stuck through my cat flap. I think she was after the bowl of cat crunchies I keep in the kitchen. After the fire brigade cut her free she took off across the lawn and attempted to leap over the fence."


Mystery Blogger X shook her head, sadly. "It's not easy watching an overweight woman in a leotard trying to lick her own butt while lying in the remains of your garden fence. Not without laughing anyway.

"I just hope she gets the help she needs now. It's sad that she's had to be taken into care but I couldn't keep letting her crap in the flowerbeds."

Luka remains under sedation in the secure wing of the Fussy Pussy Cats Home. Visiting hours are from 7 to 7.15pm and no catnip allowed.



Helga Hansen said...

I'm shocked! But awfully glad Luka has Mystery Blogger X looking out for her.

Please give her a rub under the chin from me the next time you go and visit... purrty-please.

pateinduced said...

I have a shitzu/? mix that would love to play with her ... "Bark, bark..." Then hide under the bed until the vacuum gets near.


Carnalis said...

welcome back .. and in excellent form too. The Fussy Pussy Home? I'm on my way ..

You look adorable in whiskers.

Walker said...

No catnip.......maybe some formented milk instead

Old and past it said...

My advice to Luka is to stay as a cat. Don't let them fool you back into thinking you are human. Be sick in your bed a couple of times and cough up some partially digested small birds. That and the whiskers should do the trick.

Indigo said...

I am the proud owner of a pussie ... cat. His name is Mr.Tigsworth, he's brave at chasing leaves in the garden, climbing the curtains after spiders that I've screamed at, he hates the hoover though, he's terrified at the sound and runs and hides, he's a big girls blouse when it comes to noise, same with my hairdryer.

Ceeej said...

I'd say meow pussycat but, well, it makes me think of the Archers so that's one sexy look ruined forever by the BBC. Still, nice to see you back.

Luka said...

Helga - a tummy tickle wouldn't come amiss either.

Pateinduced - what fun! Release the hound!

Carnalis - *preens*

Walker - why didn't I think of that?

Old and Past It - good advice. I have also made sure to only try to sit on the laps of those who really don't want me to.

Indigo - I love that mad, big eyed stare they do before they dash off. Mine runs and hides when the doorbell rings.

Ceeej - what's the Archer's connection? I thought it was more cows than cats?

Happy said...

'...When I tried to talk to her about it she chased me round the room with the crevice nozzle..'

Was this you?

Welcome back we're glad you're posting


Ceeej said...

Well, I must say, I'm shocked, I thought everyone listened to the Archers..

Luka said...

Happy - I would never stab anyone with a hoover attachment, I would always use my ceremonial sabre.

Ceeej - they don't pipe it into the Fussy Pussy Cats Home. Thank God.

Ceeej said...

The Fussy Pussy Home is sounding more and more inviting all the time.