Thursday, 2 July 2009

All Day Confidence and a Complimentary Wet Wipe

Since no fucker's been astute enough to offer me a publishing deal I have been forced to find other avenues to exploit my online presence. Having studied the market and rejecting several, frankly stupid, ideas I have decided to launch my own range of feminine hygiene products.

The Luka Garden Gusset range is no average jam rag I can tell you. Most fanny mats end up going into landfill and contain nasty bleaching chemicals and plastic to boot.

My environmentally friendly versions are made from recycled cotton nighties filled with super-absorbent compost and scented with real lavender. Menstrual blood contains many nutrients and minerals which make wonderful fertiliser, so instead of going into the bin these little beauties can be recycled as growbags for your tomatoes. Or wardrobe fresheners, if you don't mind running them under the tap for a bit first.

You can wear one with absolute confidence whether you're rollerblading in your white trousers or sitting on the sofa eating chocolate Hobnobs in a curry stained t-shirt and grey knickers. They won't let you down. Well, they might. But you can relax in the knowledge that you are protecting the planet whilst protecting your soft furnishings.

Luka Garden Gusset Towels come in a range of sizes to suit every woman. Choose from Light Flow, Steady Stream, Raging River or Torrent.

Order now and I'll chuck in a FREE wet wipe to smear things about a bit give you all day freshness.

But don't just take my word for it - here's a completely genuine review from a satisfied customer:

"Usually when I'm on the blob I just sit around the house feeling fat and spotty, crying and eating crisps. Then I tried a Luka Garden Gusset towel and it changed my life. I experienced the kind of freedom that only those who have a small tomato plant germinating in their underwear can fully appreciate. No more daytime telly and a hot water bottle for me when I'm up on blocks - now I play tennis, go to important meetings, snorkel and shave my armpits. Thank you Luka for the gift of Garden Gusset!"


Heff said...


Some Chilean Woman said...

Will these ever come in the tampon form? That'd be sweet.

L. said...

You never fail to make me laugh.
(I say this accusingly).

Ceeej said...

Mmmm, lovely, very tasteful if I may say.

Just a teensy criticism and a related follow up question question;

A warning please, some of us read blogs whilst breakfasting and I almost choked, which leads to my question.

Do you have plans to launch a range of organic recycled wipes for cleaning mirth induced toast crumb and coffee splutterings off computer hardware?

Oh, an aside, is it just me that finds the fact that the larger packs of tampons are labelled Jumbo size worryingly amusing or am I just an insensitive pig of a man who doesn't understand the vital role chocolate and red wine have to play in the delicate nutritional balance of a woman's diet at certain times of the calendar? (I fully accept that both is a valid answer)

Freddy said...

you are a bad bad woman Ms Luka!

but then that's why we read you x

Carnalis said...

can i still sit around the house eating biscuits, crisps and crying? .. it the most fun i get nowadays.

(.. not really, if you are a certain person reading this. honest.)

Midnight Princess said...

Question... if I leave the Garden Gusset out to decompose in the garden, will it start to smell like rotting fish and attract cats from miles around?

Anonymous said...

Now, if the your tv commercials depicted women sitting on "the sofa eating chocolate Hobnobs in a curry stained t-shirt and grey knickers", instead of a bunch of sickeningly pert and chirpy girls at the beach partaking in some weird inflatable ball bouncing orgy - then I would damn well buy those pads.

Luka said...

Heff - I'll never give up!

Some Chilean Woman - Tampon, pant liner and menstrual cup.

L - it is both my blessing and my curse.

Ceeej - I do have plans for a range of multi-purpose wipes, equally effective for cleaning your monitor or your minge, they are a must for the busy worker.

"Jumbo" is an unfortunate term in the fanny rag market, I agree. Mind you, I get just as feisty about the "normal" tag too.

Freddy - and I am awfully glad you do x

Carnalis - You can indeed! I also recommend alcohol, ice cream and Prozac x

Midnight Princess - I can assure you that even when the Garden Gusset begins to compost it will smell of summer meadows and attract butterflies and fairies.

artfulkisser - I know, the advertisers are missing a trick but what can you do? I am banned from their offices now.

adult washcloths said...

Good to know about helps to have good quality wipes to feel better through a cold or running nose.