Monday, 27 July 2009


I won't be a victim of sexual fashion
I don't want to follow the style of the crowd
I'm able to demonstrate suitable passion
In spite of pubes that would make Chewbacca proud

I don't want to be fucked in my raddled old arse
My fanny won't squirt jets of cum in the air
A threesome? An orgy? They're a surburban farce
Enjoyed the most by those who simply weren't there

There's a lot to be said for being out of style
(No razor rash, sore ring, no sheets to get dry!)
A sexual maverick, a Fleshbot exile
It's not fashionable but it's well worth a try

Monday, 20 July 2009

You Know He's Over You When...

  • He's put the gifts you've bought him on ebay
  • He's told his friends to tell you he's dead
  • You've had one text from him in the last six months and that was almost certainly in error as it appears to be for someone named Ken
  • He moves house without telling you
  • Given the choice between fuddle-duddling with your wibbly-wobblies or creosoting the shed, he chooses the shed
  • You spot his new advert on a popular find-a-social-inadequate-and-fuck-them website
  • He has a new answerphone message that invites callers to speak after the beep, unless they are you, in which case you can fuck off
  • He forgets your birthday
  • He forgets your name
  • You spot him leaving the church with a woman in a big white dress

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

You Know You're Over Him When...

  • You realise the special song you used to share is actually crap
  • You've used his old letters to line the cat litter tray
  • You no longer brood, darkly. The most you can summon, should you think of him at all, is a dismissive "twat"
  • You've deleted his name from your phone
  • You've deleted his emails
  • You've deleted all his pictures
  • Where you had his name tattooed as a gesture of love you have now added "is a twat"
  • You can't think of his sex face without laughing
  • You've cut your hair short
  • You've grown your pubes long
  • You haven't checked your phone for messages all day
  • The thought of not seeing him again fills you with relief
  • You consider telling him what a colossal twat he is but really can't be arsed
  • You so want him to find happiness elsewhere you buy him an online dating membership
  • You have difficulty recalling his face
  • You have trouble remembering his name

Have I missed anything?

Thursday, 2 July 2009

All Day Confidence and a Complimentary Wet Wipe

Since no fucker's been astute enough to offer me a publishing deal I have been forced to find other avenues to exploit my online presence. Having studied the market and rejecting several, frankly stupid, ideas I have decided to launch my own range of feminine hygiene products.

The Luka Garden Gusset range is no average jam rag I can tell you. Most fanny mats end up going into landfill and contain nasty bleaching chemicals and plastic to boot.

My environmentally friendly versions are made from recycled cotton nighties filled with super-absorbent compost and scented with real lavender. Menstrual blood contains many nutrients and minerals which make wonderful fertiliser, so instead of going into the bin these little beauties can be recycled as growbags for your tomatoes. Or wardrobe fresheners, if you don't mind running them under the tap for a bit first.

You can wear one with absolute confidence whether you're rollerblading in your white trousers or sitting on the sofa eating chocolate Hobnobs in a curry stained t-shirt and grey knickers. They won't let you down. Well, they might. But you can relax in the knowledge that you are protecting the planet whilst protecting your soft furnishings.

Luka Garden Gusset Towels come in a range of sizes to suit every woman. Choose from Light Flow, Steady Stream, Raging River or Torrent.

Order now and I'll chuck in a FREE wet wipe to smear things about a bit give you all day freshness.

But don't just take my word for it - here's a completely genuine review from a satisfied customer:

"Usually when I'm on the blob I just sit around the house feeling fat and spotty, crying and eating crisps. Then I tried a Luka Garden Gusset towel and it changed my life. I experienced the kind of freedom that only those who have a small tomato plant germinating in their underwear can fully appreciate. No more daytime telly and a hot water bottle for me when I'm up on blocks - now I play tennis, go to important meetings, snorkel and shave my armpits. Thank you Luka for the gift of Garden Gusset!"