Monday, 19 January 2009

The Obscene Phone Call

Reading and commenting upon a saucy post by Monmouth this weekend brought back memories of an incident which occurred at my then workplace a few years ago.

I had recently been in a local newspaper article, featuring an upcoming event we were holding. A book fair, to be precise. A local photographer duly came out to take a publicity shot and as everyone else moved quicker than I did, hiding themselves in cupboards and lavatories, it fell to me to pose on the lawns, surrounded by piles of books. I looked very bookish myself, my hair tied back in a sensible knot, my glasses perched on the end of my nose. Beneath the picture they put a caption with my name and the office number if anyone wanted to donate books.

A day or two after the picture had been published I walked into the office to find a couple of my colleagues already there, stood around the telephone and looking aghast. "Morning!" I said, slinging my bag and coat onto my chair. They looked at each other and then looked at me. There was something going on. "What?" I said.

"You'd better listen to this," and they hit play on the answerphone.

"...Hello Luka," said a man's voice. "I've been looking at your picture in the local paper. You've got really big....glasses."

OK, I thought, could be someone I know, having a laugh.

He went on.

"I want to bend you over that pile of books and fuck you up the arse and then make you suck the shit off my bell end."

So, not much in it for me then.

The answerphone went silent. I was looking aghast too, now. It was a popular look just then.

We went into amateur detective mode. The message had been left overnight so we dialled 1471 to see when the last call had been received. It had been around 11pm and the number was not witheld. When the police checked it out, it turned out to be a phone box in the middle of the countryside. I had visions of some sad git telling the missus he was just taking the dog for walk before bed and then stopping off in the phone box for a bit of telephonic abuse. What seems most odd to me is that he was not put off by the fact there was nobody there and took the time to leave his obscene phone call on the answerphone! Many people are fazed by answerphones and can't think what to say, or stammer and stumble, but not this guy. He may have hideously unsexy fantasies but I can't fault his confidence.

Sadly we never found out who it was, and that was the only call he ever made. (To me, anyway - perhaps he trawls the local paper every week so that he can say rude things to the volunteers at Help the Aged or talk about his cock to the Lady Mayoress).

We are all very aware of the perils of giving out personal details online but it is easy to forget that the offline world requires a similar degree of caution. It also demonstrates that nutters are everywhere and despite the best efforts of the nanny state in trying to eradicate everything from gory games to cartoon porn you just can't stop the truly determined loony from getting their kicks somewhere.


Ro said...

I can't help wondering what the phone-perv got from that - I'd always read that it was the audible feedback (disgust?) of the recipient that was the dirty caller's raison d'etre.

I agree about the need to be reasonably careful offline as well as online. I've had two stalkers, one from online and one from off. I almost published a piece myself recently about how easily we (or, at least, I) typically give out our information over the phone - until I realise just how tediously I'd written it!

Carnalis said...

perhaps he enjoyed delayed gratification, and lay in bed wanking during office hours, imagining the horrified looks.

No one did a trace sampling of the telephone box? Noooo .. scrub that. Can you imagine the multitude of emissions in a public phone box .. it is a wonder we ever dared use them.

Helga Hansen said...

I couldn't help myself... I did giggle when I read that.

I'm willing to bet that if you posted the same photo here on your blog, that you'd get the same reaction! The one difference would probably be that someone would be a little more direct about the size of your "glasses", but less likely to tell what they would like to do to you!!

Old and past it said...

Yes I think we should see the picture that launched 1000 aghast looks, and then we can conjure up for ourselves the unsavoury image of a lone perv abusing his Alexander Graham Bell in a phone box!

unique_stephen said...

What a pervert. The very least he could have offered was to let you wipe his bell end a bit first.
Obviously not a gentleman.

Luka said...

Ro - yes, it does seem a bit one-sided, even for an obscene phone call!

Carnalis - ah, the smell of a hot phone box on a summer's day...

Helga - it was honestly a very very tame, sedate, dull picture. I even had a polo-necked top on. How this sparked off a phone box frenzy I will never know.

Old and Past It - very witty, I like it.

Unique Stephen - no, and there was no offer of dinner, or even a drink, either!

Old and past it said...

But it is sedate, tame, dull, spectacle wearing gels and piles of books that really rev your inadequate pervy types up! It is the whole librarian fantasy (not confined to perves either I might say.... think of Joe Orton defacing library books..... or Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters)
Go on, show us your stacks and card indexes!
My bus pass trembles with anticipation....

Luka said...

Old and Past It - I shall have to see what I can find in the archives from my lusty librarian period.