Saturday, 3 January 2009

Luka's Guide to the Seven Deadly Sins - Gluttony

Sins, I've had a few. In fact, when I think about it, I am sure I have quite a lot. Still, there are only seven deadly ones, so maybe those extras I have are nothing to worry about.

At this particular time of year the most obvious and widespread sin seems to be gluttony. There may be one or two virtuous souls who managed some restraint over the past few weeks, but most of us have been enjoying a gluttonous orgy of consumption, mainlining lard and snorting sugar, laughing with our mouths full as the crumbs spray and buttons fly. So many chocolates! So much cheese! So many alcoholic beverages! The festive season is traditionally a time for excess, when one is expected, indeed encouraged, to indulge in all manner of fatty, sugary, boozey treats. It'a a time for feeling constantly full, for wallowing on the sofa surrounded by sweetie wrappers and bottles and for not getting any exercise beyond travelling to the fridge. It's fucking fantastic.

Still, all good things must come to an end and as I sit here, gently wobbling, with only the orange or strawberry cremes left in the tin, it seems as good a time as any to renounce gluttony and embrace temperance instead.

I am sure I am not alone this January in gazing down at the quivering mound of blubber euphemistically referred to as "my sexy lady belly" and wondering if I'll ever see my pubes again (without the aid of a make-up mirror on a stick.) After Christmas the sales of "low fat" this and "reduced sugar" that soar, as do memberships for the gym and exercise equipment. I am loathe to give any facet of the diet industry my hard-earned cash yet find myself putting "healthy" options into my trolley and enjoying a rush of smug superiority at the checkout as the person before me unloads their cakes and pies. No more gluttony for me, I am too busy frolicking through my masochistic world of dietary denial.

Butter, for example, is high in fat, but tastes really really good and melts beautifully into your toast. Low-fat spread looks like smegma and refuses to melt, smearing whitely over my toast like a yeast infection on a gusset. It's shite, but I have it in my fridge anyway. I can only explain it by likening it to some sort of penance, the edible equivalent of wearing a hair shirt, to compensate for my former gluttony.

Ah, gluttony. How I miss you. We will be reunited again though, have no doubt.

14 comments:

Some Chilean Woman said...

After this weekend I start my diet...again.

Helga Hansen said...

Your words... so descriptive... like a yeast infection on a gusset... hhmmm, that's enough to put anyone off low-fat spread! I use olive spread, and confirm it smells rank when heated up in the microwave!

I have persuaded a colleague to be my personal trainer, and he is generously not charging me his usual (and very expensive) fee. He has his work cut out with me, and I've already learned that he is the task master from hell!

Ro said...

It was "looks like smegma" that got me.

The best of luck with your health-kick, Luka, and just remember that it's less than twelve months to the next Glutfest!

True Lateral said...

Butter, so good. I'm not supposed to eat bread (anti-social side effects, ahem) or butter, but so, so, good. Having said that, the occasional gluttonous episode aside, I really hate feeling so full that I have to waddle. I'm still going to go eat some hot buttered toast now, though.

Anonymous said...

Thanks.

I was just tucking into a turkey butty with low fat spread on it...

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

Woman, you make me laugh. :) Thank you!

Jackie Adshead said...

Have you considered the "other" option, than having low fat spread - the one where you have NO spread on your bread/toast/baked potato except for every other day, or once a week, or however often you so choose.... to then... just every so often spread the butter on your chosen recepticle, and watch whilst it covers everything in its beautiful butteryness, so that you can lick it all up, enjoying the sensation and licking your lips in pure enjoyment of epicural delights. That way you get your kick of hedonistic pleasure with the butter AND cos you're not doing it daily you can feel virtuous too!

Luka said...

Some Chilean Woman - I refuse to call it a diet and refer to it as a "health kick" instead. This gives me much needed flexibility in my approach to it all.

Helga - words are my tools. Good luck with the personal trainer. I am merely telling everyone I know that I am on a health kick and not to give me biscuits.

Ro - I am counting the days!

True Lateral - I need to develop an aversion to feeling so full I can't eat another thing. I insist on filling up every corner. Hope the buttered toast didn't cause too many anti-social side effects!

Anonymous - No problem!

Always Aroused Girl - You are very welcome. Do I get a Chucklebot?

Jackie - yes, if I have really fresh bread, for example, I am happy to eat it butterless. Maybe I shall deny myself until asparagus season...

Anonymous said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7807848.stm

My excuse and I'm sticking to it. Can't afford to be off work you know.

Old and past it said...

Why not give up the low fat spread and just keep a tub of smegma in the fridge. That way you won't be tempted to eat the toast (or anything else) either. Happy New Year!

EmmaK said...

Yeah, why does low fat food like cheese, peanut butter etc taste so disgusting? My stomach too is a large roll which I am determined to iron down to something approaching aesthetic acceptibility by March.

Luka said...

Anonymous - it's good advice, you're right to take it.

Old and Past It - a whole tub full? It would take ages to collect that much, surely?

Emma - fat is where the flavour is, sadly. Food is just rubbish without it.

Your Little Slut said...

This post made me laugh out loud. Love the "gazing down at the quivering mound of blubber euphemistically referred to as "my sexy lady belly" and wondering if I'll ever see my pubes again (without the aid of a make-up mirror on a stick.)" I think it's entirely appropriate to be gluttonous over the holidays. Food tends to bring people together quite nicely as we all have to eat. In my mind, gluttony applies only before or after the winter holidays.

Cheers,
YLS

Luka said...

Your Little Slut - hello! I am glad this made you laugh. Yes, perhaps you are right, and we should accept that certain sins only apply at certain times.