Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Cook With Luka

Wash some strawberries. The recipe said raspberries but there weren't any in the local Co-Op so strawberries it is. Leave them to dry while you assemble your other ingredients and feel a bit sexy.To complete your raspberry strawberry trifle you will need madeira cake (you can make your own, but why extend the process longer than necessary?) jam, custard (the recipe said to make your own but I was quite sure the carton of Ambrosia would be far nicer than a potential lumpy mess with brown bits where it caught on the bottom of the pan), cream and sherry. Lovely, gorgeous, sweet smelling sherry. You also need a large, decorative glass bowl. I didn't have one so opted for the plastic mixing bowl instead. Sorted.
Cut the cake into bits and spread with jam. Arrange attractively in bottom of bowl. Chuck fruit in and sprinkle liberally with sherry. Lovely, gorgeous, sweet smelling sherry. Open carton of Ambrosia custard and pour over fruit and cake. Get big spoon to scrape all the custard from inside carton. Get custard up arms and on jumper. Lick up custard, saucily.

It's now time to whip the cream. If some twat has used the mixing bowl to partially assemble a trifle you will need to find a suitable replacement. This is a good time to sip some sherry, to quell any rising frustation. Whizz the cream with the electric whisk being very careful not to beat it too much so that it becomes a thick, heavy lump which is a bugger to spread over the custard without sinking.

Finally decorate with leftover fruit and some toasted almonds. Almonds do not come ready toasted, so you need to find a way to do this without damaging the toaster or setting your nuts on fire. Put any burnt almonds on the bird table and use the rest on your trifle.

Put finished effort in fridge and have a small sherry to reward your endeavours. Then assemble ingredients for lemon drizzle cake. You will need lemons, eggs, sugar, butter, flour, baking powder (the Co-Op didn't have any of that either, so I used optimism) and sherry. Lovely, gorgeous, sweet smelling sherry.
Preheat oven to 160. This is easier if the numbers haven't all worn off your cooker knob. Grease and line a baking tin. This is harder than it sounds.

Grate the zest from two lemons into the sugar. Mind your fingernails.

Beat the sugar into the softened butter. Mine seemed a bit lumpy but I wasn't sure if that was down to the lemon zest. If in doubt, sip some sherry and carry on.

Then sift and fold in the flour and baking powder, if you are fancy enough to have any. The handle's come off my sieve and I couldn't be doing with the folding, so I just whacked mine in the bowl and whizzed it all around for a bit. Looked about right to me.

Pour batter into cake tin, bung in the oven and wait for an hour and a half. This is very dull. Sip sherry and shout "you'd better rise, you bastard" at the oven from time to time. Lick cake mix from bowl and off beaters. Sip more sherry to kill any potential salmonella bugs from the raw eggs.

After 90 minutes your cake should be risen and golden. Mine was golden. Fuck it. Dissolve juice from previous lemons with caster sugar in a pan. I have no idea if you should let it boil or not. Mine did. Then make lots of little holes in your cake with a skewer and pour the molten syrup all over it. This is quite dangerous if you're pissed. You can also add bits of curly lemon zest for decorative purposes but I couldn't be arsed. I stuck a really shite plastic Happy Birthday thing I found in a drawer on mine instead. Ta dah!

Serve with plenty of bubbly and lashings of enthusiasm.


"You look good enough to eat," he murmured against my neck.

I made a dismissive noise. "No," he insisted, "really. You have custard on your sleeves and cream in your hair. At least, I hope it's cream."

"I don't suppose you brought any more sherry did you?"

He shook his head, sexily. I pouted, poutily. This cookery malarky is all very erotic. I seductively sucked some jam off my fingers and picked a couple of burnt almonds out of my bra.

"Shame," I breathed, huskily. "I still have to get through the washing up and my buzz is fading."

"Put those oven gloves on and bend over," he commanded, dominantly.

I complied. The cake was ready.

Gratuitous Arse Pic - may not be accurate representation of removing cake from oven.

To see this kind of thing done properly go visit the lovely Carnalis. She can actually cook and has a lovely bottom.


Carnalis said...

You are a goddess - i think all baking should be done in the shadow of a bottle of sherry. Loved the sexy sex bit at the end.

Will send baking powder x

Helga Hansen said...

Very pretty underwear (well, from the back), but I would suggest you wear an apron. Carnalis has one, and so do I... you need to make sure you don't get cream/jam/custard on that sexy lace!

And I reckon your citrussy drizzle is not to be trifled with!!

Lynsey said...

I keep forgetting to tell you this, but I have decided that you are Nigella Lawson. Please do not disabuse me of this notion.

Ro said...

Despite your self-effacing comments, this is especially food-porny for me: you've managed to pick two of my favourites - trifle in particular has been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember.

In fact, I should have realised I could have problems with my ex as soon as she declared that trifle with custard in was kiddies' trifle.

Without for one moment wishing to diss the idea of sherry (perish the thought) I might point out that vodka goes well in strawberry trifle too. Probably not with sherry though!

Oh, and that last pic isn't bad either ;)

Some Chilean Woman said...

Carnalis is pretty hot but honey, YOU've got it going on too *sassy hand gesture with a snap*

That dessert looks amazing. Is it legal to have dessert with 'dessert'? *wink*

An Artist Exposed said...

There is nothing quite like lemon drizzle cake, which gets my vote over trifle.
The sherry and magnificent arse get my vote as well. HHNT!

Amorous Rocker said...

Oh my gosh. I'm hungry now. It all looks so delicious, the last picture included.

I can't bake to save my life though I can cook quite well. My boyfriend bakes particularly well and that lemon drizzle sounds and looks so good. I love lemon flavored things though.

Happy HNT!

Anonymous said...

looks great to me.
made me hungry!

Osbasso said...

Ah, you've learned well from the mistress of food porn! You can remove cake from my oven anytime!

Vixen said...

All my drinking, er um, baking is best done with an open bottle of sherry. ;)

Pic and recipe seem quite yummy!

tommy said...

lovely cake and arse :)

Hope all the stress was worth it.

Luka said...

Carnalis - I always like a bit of sexy sex at the end. x

Helga - I don't have an apron, unsurprisingly. I think I did well to find an oven glove, really.

Lynsey - if you have made your decision there's nothing I can do to change it...

Ro - but the custard is the best part! I shall have to give vodka a go next time. Might try some in the trifle, too!

Some Chilean Woman - aw, you say the bestest things!

An Artist Exposed - I think those are sensible votes :)

Amorous Rocker - I can confirm it did taste as good as it looks (the food, I mean, I can't speak for my arse - only through it).

Southern Sage - that's what I like to hear!

Osbasso - I bow to the superior food porn talents of Carnalis, but am pleased you enjoyed my tribute.

Vixen - I think it's the civilised way to cook.

Tommy - thank you! Yes, it was all very well received and I particularly enjoyed eating the trifle.

Ms. Lily said...

Hehehe, I loved this post, the baking, the sherry, and the panties! Happy HNT!!

Curvaceous Dee said...

All I have to say to this is 'NOM NOM NOM'. Very tasty indeed!

xx Dee

Ro said...

Hey, I'm not arguing with you Luka, but my ex would have filed you firmly under "ill-educated and juvenile". I wouldn't let it bother you - the company is better there!

EmmaK said...

No I'm sick of it. I come here for some literary titillation and what do I get - food porn. Now I won't be able to get that luscious trifle out of my head all day and I'll probably be straddling the fruit isle and squirting myself with cream before the day is out. You should be a bit more responsible about this Luka, people like me with no self control when it comes to cream based desserts could be seriously harmed by posts like this.

Luka said...

Ms Lily - Glad you liked it!

Dee - you missed a bit,!x

Ro - then she'd have filed me pretty accurately!

Emma - you're quite right, I didn't consider the consequences of my custard-fuelled actions. I am truly sorry.

Old and past it said...

I'm struggling with one of the ingredients of your mighty trifle:

President butter: YES!
Coop free range eggs: YES!
Ambrosia custard: YES!
blurry underwear: YES!

But the thought of washing this down with a bottle of sweet and sticky Croft Original is disturbing. That will be all Jeeves!

Jackie Adshead said...

I think I'm addicted to your humour. It makes me laugh outloud with its quirky dryness. I love it!

The cakes looked pretty good too and I bet the sherry was delicious....

Luka said...

Old and Past It - if it's alcoholic and there, chances are I'll drink it. I am not fussy.

Jackie - thank you, it is nice to know my humour can be habit forming! The sherry reminded me of childhood Christmases and went down a treat.

Walker said...

You start of with cake and finish with buns.
Wow, you're good

Luka said...

Walker - oh, good pun on buns! Thank you.

The Prodigal Bum said...

A decorative glass bowl, you say? It's just possible I might have just the thing ...

Luka Sooxter said...

Is it a trophy?