Sunday, 30 November 2008

We Are Not Ashamed

That's the cry reverberating across the blogosphere after claims of bad sex, sock puppetry and bin raiding were levelled at some of our Top International Sex Bloggers.

SHOCK REVELATIONS

After the shock revelations from the Boudoir last week there were fears, for some, that sex bloggers would be too scared to continue their activities for fear of exposure.

I can, however, exclusively reveal that nothing could be further from the truth.

NOT ASHAMED

"We are not ashamed of our hotel room antics," said Mystery Blogger X, when discovered hiding behind a skip in the Travelodge car park last night. "To imply that we have something to hide is disingenuous to say the least. I am very proud to be seen with my lover and she is just as proud to be seen with me. She's just popped into the skip for a moment to look for a contact lens."

SHITE BLOG

When quizzed as to whether last week's Blog Drama had impacted upon them in any way they denied, absolutely, that it had. "No way," asserted Mystery Blogger X. "It takes more than a comedy posting on a shite blog like BWB to get me in a lather. It would have to be something really offensive, like maybe referring to a"five-in-a-box chat session" to make me lose my rag. Obviously, in those circumstances I might feel a moments irritation, hunt down every commenter in email and then close all my blogs, but who wouldn't?"

PISS

"Quite so," came a voice from the skip. "I may not like the childish tabloid tripe that spouts forth from Luka on a regular basis, or want my lover talk to her, or, indeed, be prepared to piss on her if she were on fire, but I will defend to the death her right to say it. As long as she doesn't say it to me. Or him. Or them."

Mystery Blogger X concurred. "We really don't care what Luka writes in the Boudoir as long as we have each other. When you are as secure as we are, a few silly words simply don't matter. When we are bouncing around on that Travelodge mattress together, I barely pay attention to the laptop I brought with me and hardly ever bother logging in to email comments. The sex is just too good to stop for more than a quick gander at my reader."

Proud Sex Bloggers Deny Two-Bagger Claims - "this is just a bit of roleplay fun".

Friday, 28 November 2008

Confessional

I have, somewhat remarkably, kept this blog a secret from my nearest and dearest for the best part of two years!

"What?" I hear you cry. "You mean you haven't been shouting from the rooftops about your clingfilmed arse and ridiculous posts about how awful sex bloggers are when you so obviously crave their companionship?"

"No," I reply. "You cheeky fucker. It has been my own personal space for frolicking and fighting and being a twat, free of the demands of hearth and home."

Yet tonight, I suddenly blurted out "I have a secret blog!"

I hope he likes all the bits about him.

Hide or Pride?

We all get those paranoid feelings from time to time. A bad hair day and no text messages can leave us pondering our desirability.

For those sex bloggers in relationships this can be particularly fraught. Are we really as great as our blogs make us seem, or are we, in truth, a bit embarrassing to be seen out with? Are our lovers proud to be associated with us, or are they ashamed and would rather the world think they were shagging someone a bit less wanky?

Well, here are my top ten tell-tale signs that your sex blog lover believes you bring more shame than fame:

1. They tell you it works better for them if nobody knows you are their lover. (They may well say it's because they are "intensely protective of their privacy", while posting a photograph of their naked bits and a graphic desription of how big a wet patch they can leave on velour.)

2. They do not leave coded, pseudonymed comments on your blog to subtly let on that they have nobbed you, even though you do so on theirs all the time, and even widdled on their laptop to mark your territory.

3. You are never invited to their place, even if they live alone.

4. During sex they close their eyes or stick their head in a pillow.

5. They tell you it works better for them with the light out.

6. They like you best ball-gagged and wearing a full face gimp mask.

7. They tell you it works better for them if they call you.

8. They like spanking because then they don't have to look at you.

9. They like spanking with an implement as then you aren't actually in physical contact either.

10. They tell you it works better for them if you are not exclusive.

Have I missed any?

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Giving Thanks

I am thankful I have love at home
I am glad I have such loyal friends
I am grateful I don't have to endlessly roam
Begging scraps of time someone else lends

I am thankful I have so much fun
I am glad I refuse to be cowed
I am grateful I don't have to ask anyone
If enjoying myself is allowed

I am thankful I have peace of mind
I am glad that I sleep well at night
I am grateful I don't live my life on rewind
Searching for every possible slight

I am thankful for all of these things
I am glad for more than I can list
I am grateful at last that the fat lady sings
Now it's over you will not be missed

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Cunt Flaps

I like them.

Some are small and pink, like sea shells, some are like Spaniel's ears. They can be asymmetrical, fleshy or barely there at all.

Yet, reading sex blogs, most descriptions of ladybits read as if taken directly from the standardised porn ideal. That is, they are invariably "small", "tight", "delicate" and always "smoothly shaven".

Now, not everyone out there has a tiny, tight, teeny-lipped fanny. Some of you have (or have encountered and enjoyed) big lipped, luscious, accommodating cunts. Hairy ones, to boot.

I mention this because I think it's a shame that unrealistic porn star ideals have led to women getting ludicrous silicon breast implants and having their labia snipped off. In blogland, on supposedly "warts and all, this is really real, I really truly do have real sexy sex with real people" style blogs, one would expect a bit more honesty in descriptions of naughty bits.

There's nothing "bad" about having a big old blart. Let's have less fanny fascism in sex blogging and more appreciation of imperfection.

You start.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Bing Bong!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain, Luka, speaking.

We are currently cruising at a height way above some people's heads and will be arriving at our destination right on schedule.

We did experience some turbulence earlier, due to excessive wind conditions emanating from the south. While we may encounter the occasional bump if we should hit another pocket of hot air, I am confident we are through the worst of it now.

I am sending my trolley dollies round with complimentary wine and cheesey biscuits and please do take advantage of the duty free offers available. I can heartily recommend the fags and booze and my new fragrance, "Eau de Twats I Have To Deal With".

Thank you for flying Luka Airlines. No, don't undo those seatbelts just yet.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Threats and Intimidation

Today I wrote a silly little post, based on the adverts for the News of the World I remember from my youth. There would be some big-haired, satin-nightie-clad model, with a lot of lip gloss, breathily promising to tell all about her six-times-a-night sex romps with the preferred permed footballer of the time.

It seems a certain blogger has decided that this post was some sort of coded threat to him, personally, that I really was going to write some sort of expose. This is not the case. It was a bit of fluff. I did not think for one moment that anyone would think references to five-in-a-box chat sessions, sock puppets or raiding dustbins would be taken as any sort of serious subject matter.

Two people commented on my post. Both have been subject to threats via email. I kid you not. Threats. If they wish to "get involved" with my "toxic vendetta" then they will have their secrets exposed in some twisted revenge scenario. Revenge for something which hasn't actually occurred. I haven't actually exposed anything real. It is satire.

My poor, hapless commenters have been told to delete their comments. For fuck's sake. These are utterly harmless comments which reference no one. How could they? I am utterly distraught that they have had to deal with threats and abuse in their inbox simply because they had the temerity to post "picgeaonts again?" and "naked scandal?" in my comments box.

It is beyond mad.

I contacted the irate blogger in question to assure him that no expose is intended or forthcoming and that the post was a simple continuation on a tabloid theme. I was told to take down the post and then he would talk, maybe, tomorrow. Until then, fuck off. So, that went well.

I am not taking down the post. It is a harmless post. It is full of obvious silliness and untruths - how can it possibly cause all this wankery and distress? I will not be bullied or threatened into censoring my blog. Conversely, I absolutely do not want my friends to suffer for my actions.

I don't mind what gets thrown my way, I deserve a few kicks up the arse now and then for the mockery I direct at the sex blogging world. I expect it. It's only fair. But when I find out other people are being intimidated because they comment on me - that's just not on. That's the mark of a true bully.

The Naked Truth

This Week In Your Super Value Boudoir:

Luka finally tells her exclusive story.

"I am sick of all the secrecy in sex blogging. All those snide remarks and cryptic comments. It's time for the naked truth. In this week's special 8-page pullout feature I'll probably have some pics of me lounging about in lingerie and have exciting paragraph headings like "Sleazy Sex Act" or "Raunchy Romp". I'll probably get a "Steamy" in there too. Get ready for my shocking exposés on:

  • My Late Night Five-in-a-Box Chat Sessions
  • Sordid Sex Pics Online - Just Whose Body Part is Whose?
  • Sex Blog Stalkers - The Shame of the Top Names Found Raiding My Dustbin
  • The Pussy-Whipped and Cuntstruck - Who's Really Working Those Sock Puppet "Alpha Males"?
  • and Much, More More!"

Friday, 21 November 2008

Marshmallow Thighs

Once upon a time I watched an exercise video, which, as part of the body sculpting section, ascertained that when a woman stands, feet together, there should be gaps between her legs, as per the following image:

These little areas of unfilled space are the signs that your legs are well toned, shapely and socially acceptable.

I stood before the mirror, legs together, and saw not one chink of daylight between them. Well, maybe at the ankles. A bit.

I was so upset at this undeniable sign of imperfect legs I didn't have the heart to do the exercises after that, and watched the rest of the video from the sofa, with a pie.

Years later I still have big, pillowy thighs. And a large soft belly. Sturdy hips, burly forearms. Phenomenal bosoms. My shape doesn't concern me anywhere near as much as it did in my more impressionable days, although even now I occasionally succumb to Cosmo Complex.

I mention all this solely because I was looking at this bosom's eye view of my thighs and thinking how they spill over my stocking tops like bread rising over the top of the tin. Mind you, they'd keep your ears warm on a cold night, and that's got to be a bonus.

How about you? Have you a dusty collection of discarded fitness videos too? I have my doubts anyone can be arsed to flail around in front of the TV for long enough to achieve that elusive perfect body part.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Top Sex Blogger in "Not Crap" Comeback Shocker

INTERNATIONAL TOP SEX BLOGGER SAYS "NOB NOT SMALL"

After reports this week that an International Top Sex Blogger was bad in bed I can confirm that the Boudoir has received an email from someone named "Mystery Sex Dude" in which they claim to be have been grossly misrepresented.

LOVE PRONG

"I can't believe you would stoop to publishing such obvious falsehoods," writes Mystery Sex Dude. "Everything I write on my blog is true. To imply otherwise is intolerable and I may well sue you, your anonymous informant and anyone who ever comments upon your stupid, childish blog for defamation of character. I am good in bed and I have been Fleshbotted and Sugasmed and that proves it. You've seen my blogroll? That's not just a list of blogs I like to read, that's a Who's Who of lucky tarts who've had a go on my love prong.

GARDENING GLOVES

Anyway, I should be the one complaining about her," he went on. "She emailed me to say she enjoyed my writing and led me to believe she was up for anything. She sent a picture of her arse and everything. Then when we met she turned out to have numerous hang-ups and wouldn't even touch my nob without first putting on a pair of gardening gloves.

WELLY TOP

As for me 'not touching the sides', that's rich! She told me she had a fanny 'like a mouse's ear' but when I got down to it, it was like fucking a welly top."

Mystery Sex Dude concluded by boldly stating "You're a total cunt, Luka, and you are under no circumstances to publish any part of this email."

Monday, 17 November 2008

Sex Blogger in Bad Shag Exclusive

"INTERNATIONAL TOP SEX BLOGGER WAS BAD IN BED!"

That's the sensational claim an anonymous sex blogger made to our reporter at the Boudoir this weekend.

NORMAL

Our informer, who would prefer to keep their identity under wraps, says that the online Lothario claimed to be a raunchy, 5-times-a-night sex god in the lurid posts he published on his blog, yet when she met him in real life he turned out to be "utterly normal".

KINKY

"If anything he was a bit bland," she said. "I was expecting someone larger than life, with an enormous todger and a sack full of kinky toys - a bit like a rude Father Christmas, I suppose. I should have known he didn't really exist. Instead he was a completely average, mundane mortal, with an unremarkable willy and a packet of condoms. Turned out he was more dud than stud."

STEAM TRAIN

When pressed for details our crestfallen correspondent continued: "Well, you know. He didn't make me wet just looking at him, I didn't come like a steam train during our first frantic fumble in the back of his van and he did not make me feel like I was being split asunder when he plunged into me. To be honest, he barely touched the sides.

I really feel there should be some sort of regulatory body set up to ensure this kind of blatant misrepresentation doesn't keep happening. I would hate anyone to go through the same disappointment and financial loss that I have. That's £3.20 bus fare I'm never going to see again."

TIGHTS

Our informant concluded, sadly "I just hope my story serves as a warning to others. Those sex bloggers, they promise you the moon on a stick and a stick up the arse but the reality is that they often don't even know how to undo a bra and come in their pants before you've got your tights off."

Have you had a bad sex blogger shag? Contact our confidential informant line and give us all a laugh.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

The Painful Truth

There has been some discussion elsewhere on the nature of truth in blogging.

Which is a poncey way of saying that if you write honestly about real people then there is a chance that they may be hurt by your words. Oh, and that what you might perceive as the truth about a situation may not be their perception of events at all.

I write pretty much whatever falls out of my brain and onto the laptop with little thought to whether if might upset anyone or not. Well, that's not strictly true. I care about my loved ones, my family, and would, therefore, never post anything that I thought might upset them should they chance upon my online witterings. That's just inbuilt and automatic. Of course, I mainly post about the failings and frailties of sex bloggers and I don't really give much of a toss if they decide to get a cob on just because I've pointed out that Sugasm is a pile of tiresome old wank or something.

I commented on a post by AAG earlier this week where she asserted that if you read something about yourself on a blog that hurts then it's probably true. I gave an "amen to that, sister", as I was pushed for time and only had a couple of words to spare. Of course, many people pointed out that just because something hurts does not make it true. Lies sting just as much.

Nonetheless, in my experience, here at the Boudoir, I'd have to say that those who have thrown the biggest shit fits after reading a post of mine are those who saw themselves within it and found it didn't match their carefully cultivated self image. My caricatures don't make people look particularly attractive and not everyone can cope with being given the verbal equivalent of a comically big nose. Then there are those who want it to be about them, even when it isn't. If the cap fits, wear it, the saying goes, but fucking hell, I've known some who insist on jamming it on, pulling it down over their ears and refusing to accept it's not their size even when the brim comes off in their hands.

I've had all sorts of guilt trips laid at my door for the hurt caused by my cruel prose. What a load of cobblers. I didn't force any sex blogger to post pictures of various household items up their arse/write disrespectfully about their spouse/be a twat in public, I merely pointed out that they had. And that I found it funny.

So, what, precisely, caused the wounded feelings? It certainly wasn't that I had told an untruth. Quite the reverse. It is self sabotage, every time. We always believe the negative about ourselves and find it harder to accept praise. What we perceive to be the truth in another's opinion is what hurts.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Anything I Need

When I am hungry he cooks for me.

When I am sad he comforts me.

When I am frightened he holds me tight and vows to protect me.

When I am bored he amuses me.

When I am badly behaved he forgives me.

When I am being an arse he tells me.

When I am amorous he makes love to me.

When I am surging ahead he keeps up with me.

And when I am cold at night he lets me wrap my chilled body around him and leech away his body heat.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Tantric Sex Blogging - Issue No 2

2. The Action

This should never be contained within a single post. That is a waste of valuable blogging material. The most mundane twenty minute coupling can be broken down into a lengthy series of vignettes. Random snapshots of hotel scenes, fragmented conversations, photos of disembodied limbs against a background of stained nylon carpet or MDF headboard, these all help bulk out your basic, flimsy material.

Luka's Tip of the Day: To really eke out your material try using a gimmick such as writing your post in 50 words or less. It'll take for-fucking-ever to finish writing up your afternoon delight at that rate and everyone will think you are clever.

Sample Post:

Lardy

I lounged back in my chair, gazing down fondly as my lover parted my hairy knees and smiled up at me. "I'm doing nowt until I've finished this," I asserted, through a mouthful of pie. Undeterred he set to, lapping away like my lady parts were a dripping cornetto on a hot day. He was good. So good I almost put my pork pie down. Almost.

Suddenly he plunged his mighty love prong right up me, and I screamed and convulsed and fucked him right back, smearing lard and crumbs all over us both. Thank fuck I didn't spill my pint as well!

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Tantric Sex Blogging - Issue No 1

How to Turn a Twenty Minute Shag Into an Everlasting Source of Blog Fodder

Don't be a One-Pump Chump! With Luka's Guide to Tantric Sex Blogging you too can learn the mystical art of transforming your singular, short-lived "I done it in a Travel Inn" post into an epic experience which will last an eternity and leave everyone gasping "when the fuck will it end?"

Over the posts ahead Luka's Guide to Tantric Sex Blogging will cover all aspects of dragging out your sexual shenanigans from boring build-up to arse-numbing retrospection. Every issue comes with a unique Luka-style example of the featured technique and builds into a comprehensive collection with its own imitation leather binder.


1. Build Up.

This is key. Don't just launch straight into a detailed account of your afternoon of condoms and carpet burns. That wastes valuable blogging material. You can fill your blog with posts over many days, weeks, even months about the search for a willing partner, your successes and disappointments, hopes and fears, your lists of requirements, arranging the venue, and even packing your bag. You might think it would make pretty tedious reading but there are many who will hang on your every word, agog, wide-eyed with wonder at the saucy daring of walking through public areas with a vibrator in your bag.

The trick is to imbue every dull detail of planning a couple of hours out of the house with a disproportionate amount of suspense and erotic meaning.

Luka's Tip of the Day: Never use email when you could blog it instead! Don't just write privately to your paramour expressing your excitement about meeting them, that is a waste of valuable blogging material! Write open letters on your blog so that everyone knows you really are going to be doing it - with another person! - because that's the sexy, wild, crazy, articulate, desireable blogger you are.

Sample post:

Soon, Darling, Soon

Gird your loins, my beloved, I am on my way! My heart pounds, my breathing quickens and my seat moistens as I count the hours until I am sat on your face once more. I smiled a secret smile as I placed the items for our tryst upon the supermarket conveyor belt. What would the checkout girl think, I wondered, as she rang in the cucumbers, clothes pegs, peanut butter, KY jelly, latex gloves and cat food? Would she guess at the afternoon of pleasure ahead of me? Would she detect my air of barely suppressed sexual excitement? I rubbed my nipples a bit, through my anorak, and winked at her. I bet she was slightly shocked, envious and aroused. I just bet she was. Probably everyone else in the supermarket was, actually, as the kind of sexual chemistry we have cannot be hidden or undetected by lesser mortals who don't get to shag like we do. It comes off me in waves and droplets. You can't miss it.

I shall be with you soon, my passionate love sausage. I can imagine you now, preparing the room, waiting for my knickerless arrival. Hang the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, light the candles, run your nob under the tap and drape yourself across the stained duvet in a frenzy of anticipation. Be ready. I am on my way.

Issue Number 2 coming soon - order your copy now!

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

A Visual (Trick or) Treat

Due to overwhelming demand - nearly double figures! - I am posting a few images of my amazing Betty Boobs halloween costume. See my gothic splendour! See my burly forearms! See the big ladder in my bodystocking - it is pretty much shredded entirely now.


I have natural curls, false eyelashes and necessarily big hoop earrings.

Do you see what I did with my garter there? I gothed it right up. I like how I am pointing at it in case you didn't spot it. That is helpful and could stand me in good stead in any future glamour modelling where I am required to point at my nipples or flaps similarly.

Sadly all the best pictures of me making a drunken arse of myself are way too identifiable and my partners in crime must remain anonymous, so these random body parts are all I can show you. Which is probably a relief for all, really.

Proper satiric sniping service will resume shortly.

Monday, 3 November 2008

I Am Returned, Big and Broken

My eyes feel gritty. I think sleep could well be the answer to that particular problem.

I have had a long, long, long weekend.

I have hurt my back, and I suspect it was from jumping to the left in ridiculous heels whilst doing the Timewarp again.

I can't even think about how much food and drink I have consumed. My wobbly bits have developed bulges which have started to sag a bit and that can't be a good sign.

My costume was not quite as I envisaged. The fishnet body stocking was good, but the thing about fishnet is it snags on absolutely everything. Try fixing a garment involving hooks and eyes over the top of one and you will see what I mean. I ended up with most of the contents of my lingerie drawer hanging off me as I cried and fruitlessly tried to unhook them from the fishnet without ripping great big holes in it. I failed, of course, having no patience whatsoever, so decided to embrace the big fuck off ladders and holes as part of the gothic charm of my halloween outfit.

When I finally finished dressing the look was more Betty Boobs than Betty Boop. My husband said "I feel like I should be winding down the car window and offering you money". I gave him an eloquent look. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing!"

The party was fun, and my houseguests stayed all weekend. Every time I went into the kitchen some wonderful new meal had been prepared and was waiting for me on the table. The fridge was always full of wine and cheese.

I really should do something healthy now to detox, but I feel somewhat knackered. Instead I shall sit on my arse for a bit and see if anyone fancies a peek at the party photos. Interested?