Thursday, 31 January 2008

Shitasm #9

Well done all you literate smut types, good to see my fave blog chums making the top 3 picks this week! (Because we really are this matey and close and you might even think I have had sex with one or two of them!)

(Insert pic of big breasted, slack jawed mouth-breather here)

The shittest of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Shitasm participants. Well, I say chosen. In reality so many submissions of samey crap come flooding into the Shitasm post box all we really do is scan the first line or two and then vote for our mates.

Want in Shitasm #10? Submit a link to your shittest post of the week using the comments box below. Please be sure to include "fuck" in your post title somewhere. This, and I can't stress this enough, is crucial to selection. Participants, repost the shit list within a week, to the annoyance of anyone looking for something that doesn't appear as an identical feature on every adult themed shit blog, and you’re all set.

This Week's Picks

The Fuck Hat
(literatelysmutty.blogspot.com)

"'You know, this hat would look amazing if you wore it while you fucked me,' I said, rubbing my hungry cunt all over his trilby."

I Fucked a Lurker
(smuttilyliterate.blogspot.com)

"It is so tiresome being a quasi-blog-celebrity. If I let every millionaire playboy who contacts me spray his hot man fat up my nostrils I'd have real sinus problems."

I Have Done a Fuck!
(illiterateslut.wordpress.com)

"Oh, he have got a big cock and he have put it in me and I have done it lots and lots and lots and it is good and I am good at it and I have got a lovely arse and I have done an arse fuck too."

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

BDSM on a Budget


"Does that hurt?"

"Um...no, no, that's fine."

"Damn. How about now?"

"Ow! OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw! Fuck!"

"Excellent!"

If you'd like to hear the sweet sounds of suffering for yourself, but simply don't have the finances for genuine leather harnesses, whips, spreader bars, clamps and appliances, why not try Luka's LoCost Kink Kit? For a fraction of the price of shop bought equipment you can create your very own dungeon in the comfort of your own living room!

You will need:

  • Black bin bags
  • Elastic bands
  • String
  • Plasters
  • Old tights
  • Clothes pegs
  • Paperclips
  • Tweezers
  • A pair of "control" knickers
  • Feather duster
  • Hairbrush
  • Wooden spoons
  • Ice cubes
  • Candles
  • A shatterproof ruler
  • Swimming goggles
  • Table tennis bat
  • One pouch of cat food and a hungry cat
  • An epilator
Of course, this list is not exhaustive. I am sure most of you will have items of your own lying about the house that would be a fine addition to the LoCost Kink Kit. So, what have I missed that can be used for budget torment?

Monday, 28 January 2008

Respect

There may be a misconception that I do not respect that which I lampoon.

While I will merrily parody posts and styles of those blogs that catch my eye, I do have my own set of boundaries I simply will not cross.

One of the many reasons I choose to pick on sex blogs is that by their very nature they are not particularly personal. I am aware of the paradox. Surely they are posting some of the most personal information imaginable? Well, to a point. They are sharing their fantasies, their preferences for what they like to stick where and how good it feels when they do so. They do not, as a rule, share very much about the real life person behind the endlessly, and unrealistically, routinely perfect sex scenes. You don't hear much about their favourite meals, what they did at work today, their pets, their children, their home. You certainly don't see images of such. What pictures you do see on sex blogs are either generic soft porn or a neatly cropped self portrait of an anonymous body part.

What sex bloggers choose to share with the world at large is filtered, selected and untraceable. Those who submit to Sugasm or receive a Fleshbotting are those who willingly seek out thousands of new readers, who want the pitter-patter of many feet heading their way.

When I tease sex bloggers, I do so in a non-specific way. No links, no names. If you can guess who I might be parodying, that's fine, but I won't direct you to their sites.

I satirise sex blogs because it truly isn't personal and, to my great delight and to their great credit, most of the sex bloggers I know have a wonderful sense of humour and are the first to laugh at themselves. So, contrary to what some may think, I have a great deal of respect for my chosen topics of humour. Unfortunately, the reverse does not always hold true.

My own code of honour means that personal blogs (those that feature home, work, family life and suchlike) are off limits. We all have a lot of personal information out there, on Facebook, MySpace, Flickr and private blogs or journals. It is the modern way to socialise and network these days. I, like many others, have such a site, not well publicised, mainly a place for distant friends and family to check in and see what I'm up to at work and home. I have many reasons for keeping it entirely separate from my online Boudoir persona, as I'm sure all of you with similar set-ups will appreciate.

If we choose to share, behind the scenes, our personal information with others we are laying ourselves open to potential exposure and damage. To do so is an exercise in trust. You have to be very sure that the person who knows the real you will respect your privacy and not betray your confidence.

I speak from experience here, as I misplaced my faith.

There are those who would argue, so what? So what if they took a couple of their mates to have a look at my personal site? I take the piss out of them all the time, I deserve it. Now I know what it feels like to be laid low, brought down, through what I write online. Tough titty.

There may be an element of truth to that. Still, I never set foot in home and hearth territory and I never will. I do not peer over other people's garden fences, I do not peek through bathroom windows. I have some respect, you see.

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Nobody's Yes Woman

I won't say that it's good when it's bad
I won't say that it's sane when it's mad
I won't meekly swallow a lie
I won't blindly accept, I'll ask why

If it's wrong I won't tell you it's right
If you push me I'll put up a fight
I will question the facts if in doubt
I would rather talk to, than about

I don't take speculation as true
I don't listen to only one view
I don't tolerate hypocrisy
I'm nobody's yes-woman, you see

Thursday, 24 January 2008

HMT - Fruity Special

Yeah? And how much fruit can you fit in your bra, eh? Or are you one of those lah-di-dah posh types who keeps it in a bowl instead?

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Soap Dodgers

Why do they do it?

And how do you deal with it?

Who hasn't, at some point in their life, encountered a smelly person? It's bad enough when it is just some random stranger in the supermarket checkout queue or on a train, but at least you can move away, eventually. It's far worse if it happens to be someone you know.

As a teenage girl the problem pages of Jackie Magazine were full of letters requesting advice on how to tell some poor hormonally challenged pubescent at school that they had *stage whisper* B.O. Most girls are brought up to believe they smell. We are targetted by the manufacturers of deodorants and body sprays. We are told that confidence comes in an aerosol, in a lockaway core, in a wrapper. Sanitary products are marketed by preying on teenage fears that people will somehow be able to smell when they are on the blob. Unnecessary, and potentially harmful, products are paraded across those glossy magazine pages - scented pantliners, perfumed tampons, pine fresh fanny spray. I knew girls at school who were so fearful of having any sort of natural odour they developed obssessive compulsive disorders, popping into the loo for another blast of deodorant every half hour. If you stepped into the girls changing room you could barely breathe for Impulse hanging heavy in the air. If you'd lit up for an illicit smoke there you'd have blown the sports hall to kingdom come.

The times they are a-changing, and men no longer escape the paranoia-inducing plans of the personal hygiene industry. (They still have a way to go to catch us up though.)

Now, I'm not saying that we should all eradicate every trace of natural scent, but I prefer clean nautural scent to rancid natural stink. You can smell who just hasn't fucking washed.

So what has gone wrong with those people who smell? How have they avoided the toiletries aisle of the supermarket for so long? Do they not notice people edging away from them, avoiding hugs, wrinkling their noses?

I am aware that there are those who are all for letting nature take its course and claim modern man washes too much. To those people I would argue, "sod off back to your camper van and tree hugging, you whiffy fucking hippy." Modern man does not wash too much. A shower or a bath daily is the bare minimum you should be aiming for. My cats wash themselves all the time and they smell great. (Not like the stinky dog. He only washes his balls with any regularity. I assume they smell better than the rest of him but I am not going to find out for sure.) I digress. I am in chatty mode today.

I am sure we've all encountered that old problem of "how do you tell someone they smell?" As a rule we are all far too subtle and rarely come right out and say it. We are all far too concerned about hurting somebody's feelings, despite the fact that they are unconcernedly assaulting our olfactory senses. Smokers have to fuck off outside now so they don't inflict their awful stench upon the rest of us, I think we should ban smelly persons from public places too. Smokers have long since burnt out their sense of taste and smell, so they should be fine sharing their personal space with the soap dodgers.

If you are reading this and thinking how fortunate you are never to have encountered a smelly person, consider this - perhaps it's you! Perhaps you are the smelly person. Here's how to find out:
  • Have you ever been given a gift of deodorant, accompanied with a lame explanation of "there was a 2-for1 offer at the chemists"?
  • When you meet someone for sex do they break off from your embrace to say "why don't we share a romantic bath"?
  • Or suggest it would be more fun in the shower?
  • Do people ask if there is a water shortage in your area, and when you ask why, they say "no reason."
  • Do you receive free samples of shower gel and shampoo in the post but don't remember ever requesting them?
  • Does your other half keep saying "there's plenty of hot water if you fancy a bath?"
  • Do charity shops smell fine to you?
  • When you remove your clothes at night, does the dog roll in them?
  • Are most of your friends online and/or on other continents?
If you answered yes to more than one of the above you may wish to ask someone you trust for an honest assesment. And have a fucking wash.

Saturday, 19 January 2008

Sex Toy Review

The Probulator 3000
Not to be outdone by other, real sex bloggers I have set up an exclusive deal with a company interested in my reviewing their products and then publishing the results on my incredibly popular and much respected blog.
You may wonder what's in it for me. The answer is all the gadgets I can handle plus a 50kg jar of Swarfega!
I have been waiting impatiently for weeks for my first product to arrive. At last the delivery van pulled into the drive and I could barely contain my excitement as the van driver made his way to my door, staggering under the weight of the box he carried.
"Sign here, love," he wheezed, clipboard held out in one hand, the other rubbing his aching back.
I signed my name with a flourish and wasted no time in winching the parcel up to the bedroom.
I have to say, the Probulator 3000 is a mighty beast of a machine. It packs the kind of punch you just don't get from a small plastic battery-powered rabbit.
Simply kick start the 5 horse power engine (remember, girls, this little beauty takes diesel, not petrol, so do take care when filling her up!), don the safety goggles and then recline in erotic abandon. Let the fumes and vibrations transport you to a wonderful world of fantasy mechanics, lawnmower reveries and power tool passion.
It won't be suitable for everyone, of course. It does not fit into the bedside cabinet (or single bedrooms), it is a little on the noisy side (how many times can you say you're just popping upstairs to use the orbital sander on the floorboards for a bit?) and the vibrations might be a little on the powerful side for some (secure fragile ornaments before use). If you find even the lowest setting on the Probulator makes your fillings drop out I'd suggest you try sticking it under the mattress and sitting on a couple of pillows on top, which takes the edge off a bit.
All in all a beautiful and evocative self-loving session with only minor oil stains to remove from the rug and a bit of ceiling plasterwork to repair.
Next week: Luka strikes a deal with Fresh 'n' Fruity, her local greengrocers, and test drives a carrot, a cucumber and a punnet of plums.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Good Advice

A wise woman once said to me, "Luka, you're great and all those others are clueless fucktards".

And, you know, I've never forgotten it.

So now, when I find selfishness, insanity and fuckwittery on an unprecedented scale all around me, I simply have another glass of wine and remember those sage words of wisdom.

She also told me not to sit on concrete floors as that would give me piles.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Kiss Me Quick

The salt on her lips
Could be from the chips
Or maybe the spray from the sea
A taste to define
Mint lipgloss and brine
It's all quite delicious to me.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Wankin' the Blues Away

"Go fuck yourself," he said to me
So that is what I've done
Dealing with a prick all night
Was never so much fun.

Monday, 14 January 2008

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

Every day for twelve long months
You've told me the same woes
The tale of how she did you wrong
The pain no one else knows

You put her in a virtual cart
You shaved her virtual head
Paraded her through Blogger Town
No insult left unsaid

There's no one left who doesn't know
Just what she did to you
And how you've been so very hurt
As she was so untrue

And everybody gave you hugs,
At first, and sympathy
And everybody said "Poor you,
That's bad, we all agree."

But that was not enough for you
And nothing made it right
And so you lived it all again
In detail, every night.

So in the end they all said "Stop!
You're not to speak her name,"
And so, instead, you come to me
To vent and stamp and blame.

While those around you get divorced,
Split up or are bereaved
You prattle on, oblivious,
For you were once deceived!

You don't have the monopoly
On loss and hurt and pain
For she was yours for just nine weeks
Get over it, get sane!

Friday, 11 January 2008

Sex Blogger Self Love

I'm really good at sex, you know
I'm very good indeed
I'm really tight there, down below
And slick with endless need

I have a perfect arse, you see
My tits are bouncy too
I know that you all fancy me
You'll have to form a queue

I truly am an awesome fuck
My writing tells you so
The way I stroke and lick and suck
The way I can't say no

I'm up for it just all the time
There's nothing I won't try
My deviation is sublime
My cunt is never dry

I'm a sex goddess in the sack
I'll take it up the arse
My underwear is always black
My body hair is sparse

My sex life is just hot, hot hot
My lovers have big dicks
I always cum and squirt a lot
And like to pose for pics

Did I mention I'm great in bed?
Did I list all my toys?
Did I say I give awesome head?
That I make so much noise?

It's not just me who thinks I'm great
My lovers share my view
And I help you lot masturbate
So you all know it's true.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

My Media Week

I have been electronically tagged by the divine Ms R. This means that I have to do her bidding or she sends several thousand jolts up my jacksy via the miracle of technology.

My task today, therefore, is to enlighten you all as to what I use to stimulate myself - well, to stimulate my brain, anyway.

On Paper

I am a voracious reader and a huge fan of libraries. What a fantastic, beneficial resource! I get to satiate my unending hunger for the written word without having to buy and house thousands of books. I am relatively undiscerning in my choices. Because I mainly frequent libraries, I find myself influenced by the category sticker the library staff have helpfully placed on the spine of the book. If it has a love heart (romance), a cowboy hat (Western), or a Richard and Judy Book Club sticker on it I'll leave it on the shelf. Anything else is fair game. I avoid anything I deem literary and pretentious. ("Proper" writing often seems to translate as tedious and incomprehensible. Why on earth do people think it's only literature if it's no fun at all and a bit of a chore to read? What's wrong with universal appeal and clarity of expression? What's wrong with a bit of blood and gore, a bit of humour, a bit of interest, for fuck's sake? Dickens and Shakespeare were both crowd pleasers in their day after all.) If I want to improve my mind with a worthy tome I will select a reference book on my chosen subject. If I pick up a novel it is for pleasure, for escapism. I like an author who can tell a good story and hold my interest. Consequently you will find Stephen King, Douglas Adams, Clive Barker and George Orwell, among others, on my bookcase.

I don't buy magazines, they're all shit. I do adore Viz though.

The only newspapers I read are local ones because I enjoy the small ads so much. ("For sale, wedding dress, size 24, never been worn" - could you write a more eloquent, pathos-laden story in fewer words?)

On Screen

There is fuck all worth watching on telly most nights, so I usually turn to my DVD collection to save the day. In the past week I've been enjoying various box sets I received for Christmas, including Peep Show, Green Wing and Bottom, though last night I decided to treat myself to a viewing of Queer as Folk. I love films too, especially horror flicks. I have a great fondness for zombie films in particular and can often be found laughing at the original Dawn of the Dead (I love the terrible mall music as sonic backdrop to the zombies on the ice rink - what can I say, it appeals to something within me!) I am particularly fond of the British take on the zombie genre and am much enamoured of 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead.

On Headphones

Ah, beloved music, where would I be without you? There is a constant battle of the radio stations between my husband and I. He likes Radio 4 (or Radio Smug, as I call it), I prefer my "jingle jangle" music, as he calls it. You can always tell who was last in the bathroom, or who last drove the car, by the station the radio is now tuned into. My taste in music is varied and to list all my favourite tracks would take too long. My current playlist includes Kate Bush, The Cure, Talking Heads, B52s, Pulp, Suede, Cocteau Twins, Muse, Garbage, Goldfrapp, Scissor Sisters, The Fratellis, The Feeling, Abba, The Pogues, The Divine Comedy and Mika. I make playlists for every activity. There are my party ones (birthday, halloween, generic), one for listening to while ironing, one for chilling out, one for making me happy.

On Teh Interwebs

I read an awful lot of sex blogs, purely for research purposes of course. I also read an awful lot of other blogs, purely for the pleasure of it. I always check out BBC News and then go for a Lolcats fix. What a complex creature of contrasts I am.

(Yes, that's right, it was a meme! And I thought about warning you at the top that it was, and you might want to skip it, as it's pretty dull stuff, really, but I didn't! Hah! Too late, you read it and now you have been exposed to meme and you may well now be a carrier yourself and it's all Ms R's fault!)

Monday, 7 January 2008

Friday, 4 January 2008

Top Tips for Satirical Sex Bloggers

  1. Be offensive. Taking someone elses hard work and mocking it is a quick and easy route to satirical greatness.
  2. Hide your bitterness at not having a fabulous arse or unimpeded access to a cucumber by pointing and laughing at those who do. This will show everyone how very, very clever you really are.
  3. Pick a sex blogger to stalk. This will give greater depth to your satire and is a sign of genuine affection for your chosen one. It is not weird.
  4. Post about how nobody wishes to engage in proper conversation with you and remain perpetually mystified as to why this should be, despite the fact that you have been consistently offensive about those same people for quite some time.
  5. Be rude about those who post pictures of their bodily parts on their blogs and then do the same thing yourself. This is not hypocrisy, it's humourous.
  6. Be scathing about blogging awards whilst sighing and staring wistfully at the empty space on your metaphorical mantelpiece.
  7. Use a lot of swear words. Swearing is both big and clever and gets you noticed.
  8. Have a brawl in public if at all possible. Nothing is more welcoming to the new reader than to find you engaged in an acid-etched bitchfest in your comments box.
  9. When you run out of ideas (which won't take long) resort to poetry. Everyone loves a poem!
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible comic book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are infamous everywhere and try to get as much hate mail as you can. Post a few more pictures of your arse in clingfilm and if all else fails, invent your own satirical sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the sex bloggers will be green with envy. You can't fail!

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Top Tips for Female Sex Bloggers

  1. Be vain. Refer to the gorgeousness of your own body at every opportunity and post photos of your naughty parts to back up these claims. Nothing screams self-assurance more than continual baiting for compliments.
  2. Ensure your blog is not perceived as just a series of smut posts by emphasising that you are on a journey. Some might assume it's a journey to the nearest budget hotel for a midweek fuckfest but it is down to you to inform them it is actually a journey to find yourself. (You could save time by looking for yourself in your nearest budget hotel, midweek, but that's a whole other top tip).
  3. Be innovative. Remember, until you posted a picture of a cucumber up your chuff no one else in the history of the universe, anywhere, knew such pleasure could be obtained from the humble salad drawer. Ditto BDSM, watersports, figging, etc. If you blogged it, you fucking invented it.
  4. Keep your readers enthralled by ensuring your innovative acts become ever more extreme. Begin by blogging about a jolly good fingering you had in the backseat of a Ford Fiesta one night and finish by posting about the time you were bound, spreadeagled, to the bookcase in Waterstones, with an aubergine in every orifice, weeing on your lover's cock while he spunked all over your shopping bag.
  5. And be sure to post a picture of it to back up your groundbreaking claims.
  6. Then close your blog in high dudgeon when not everybody agrees that this is a truly beautiful and evocative way to spend your lunch hour.
  7. If all else fails, post a personal trauma. Choose the most awful thing that has ever happened to you and blog it. The brutal power of such raw emotion will not be cheapened by posting about how much your new toy makes you cum just above it, or a picture of your arse underneath it. Emotions are good, but if your male readers can't find something to stroke off about on the same page, you are no longer desirable and therefore worthless.
  8. Review sex toys. No one else does that and it is endlessly fascinating to read about what you like to stuff up your bits.
  9. Only make online friends with the sycophantic. People with challenging opinions are not to be spoken to and their comments should be deleted.
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are listed everywhere and try to get as many award winning posts as you can. Post a few more naked self portraits and if all else fails, invent your own sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the sex bloggers will want to keep in with you. You can't fail!