Tuesday, 9 December 2008


I get around.

I go to the shops. I drink coffee. I eat lunch.

I stand next to people in supermarket queues. I sit at tables near other diners. I idly watch them if I have nothing else to hold my attention. I may overhear a conversation.

I have never, ever wondered if these people are about to have sex, talking about sex, have had sex or are currently wearing some sort of sexual appliance under their anorak.

So why do sex bloggers persist in believing the rest of the world is constantly speculating about them in this way? They seem to think they generate some kind of palpable aura that lesser mortals, who obviously aren't having sex like they are, detect when in their presence.

Every other post it's "are people looking", "are people listening", or "whatever do the staff think?"

I can tell you what the staff think. They don't give a fuck about your fuck. They really don't. Once you factor in the preoccupations and concerns most of us are channeling our attentions into at any given moment it is unlikely anyone really gives a toss if you have a dildo in your handbag. The sad truth is that many of the writers spewing out this ego-fuelled drivel are of-a-certain-age and therefore invisible to most casual observers anyway.

As for whether anyone suspects that respectable couple chatting over coffee are really a pair of lust-crazed shag monsters, well, no, I doubt anyone does. Middle aged people are not perceived as sexual beings in our youth-oriented society, by and large. The barista most likely thinks you are just a bit sweaty and flushed because of the menopause or something, if they register your presence at all.

Never mind wondering if anyone has noticed the condoms in your shopping basket or the fact that you only have your underwear on beneath your raincoat. If you're over forty you'd need to be stark bollock naked and sounding an airhorn to be noticeable in a crowd, so, trust me, no one's looking.


B said...

because I am not yet 35 does that mean I can be rest assured that they do think about me naked under my anorak?

Aaah. No. I guess not.

oh well.

I guess I'll have to channel my fantasies elsewhere

Helga Hansen said...

~snorts at middle aged people

It has never entered my head that people would be looking at me and any male companion I was with and thinking that we're serial shaggers... if only!

Carnalis said...


i really *must* find that airhorn.

The other day a stranger followed me around the train station and offered to buy me a doughnut. I would have been flattered if i hadn't been standing by the bagel stall.

Trixie said...

Dammit, does that mean I have to do that to get noticed now I'm forty?

daisyfae said...

as i start to appreciate this degree of invisibility that comes with being 46 years old? i'm considering bank robbery... using the powers for good, and all that...

I Smile 2 Much said...

:) hehehehe ....

LUV this. Because its just so damn true what you wrote. Spot on.

Everyone else is probably too caught up in their own situations to be concerned about anyone else. :)

somechileanwoman said...

Things in my handbag:
Mirror and tweezers (I'm hair obsessed)
Work ID badge
Cherry Blossom lotion

There is just no room for a dildo!

Freak At Heart said...

I just assume that everyone is thinking about sex 24/7 like myself!!!

Luka said...

B - now is the time to exploit being visible before you hit the over-40 mark and to let slip a tantalising glimpse of rubber nun's habit underneath your kagoul when leaning forward to pay at the checkout.

Helga - you would if you had a sex blog to fill.

Carnalis - never turn down an offer of a doughnut!

Trixie - yes. You could also try putting things up your bottom and blogging about it.

Daisyfae - yes, good idea. Robin Hood for the new millenium will be over 40 and in comfortable shoes.

I Smile 2 Much - exactly. I barely notice people I *know* when out and about, lost in preoccupation, let alone what some random bint has got in her shopping trolley.

SomeChileanWoman - you'll have to keep it somewhere else then!

Freak at Heart - but that would leave no time for thinking about chocolate.

Anonymous said...

Sad to say, it's true.

Carnalis, I'd follow you to the ends of the earth for your lemon cakes.

Well, to the kitchen anyway.

Jackie Adshead said...

Spot on as ever Luka, with your knowledge of the human race! Most people don't think about (or want to think about) other peoples sex lives, unless it enhances their own. And if you're waiting tables that's highly unlikely .... unless you get dragged into the broom closet between the soup and the main course........but then you'd have to straighten your uniform by the time the creme brulee was ready to be served. Not very likely is it???!

Freak At Heart said...

I would just combine the two thoughts then..... chocolate and sex, or sex in chocolate... ;-)

Boxer said...

Bwahahahahah - so. very. true.

I don't mind not being noticed, I just mind those that work soooo hard for me to notice them.

zzzzzz. Go home and look in the mirror.


Luka said...

Anonymous - we all love the lemon cakes of Carnalis.

Jackie - that's the thing. If I am likely to be thinking about sex I will be thinking about me having sex with some lucky recipient of my desires rather than focussing on people I do not know in the near vicinity.

Freak at Heart - I can work with that.

Boxer - the feeling I get is that some sex bloggers would dearly love to have their naughtiness noticed in public for that little voyeuristic frisson without the inconvenience of having to go fuck in a layby frequented by doggers.

Freak At Heart said...

Thought that might do it for you... ;-)

Old and past it said...

Dear Luka,
I have a dilemma. I've been going steady with a couple of sex blogs for a few months now, and things are going fine. I post a flattering comment, get a nice acknowledgement and we congratulate each other on having such outrageous sex lives. The thing is, I'm starting to think, is this all? I mean, there are only so many butt plugs and male chastity devices a guy can take, and i've heard there are all sorts of other blogs out there, blogs for pig-fanciers, blogs for people living in conflict zones, blogs for the gifted and afflicted, blogs for people who just like to sit and count the raindrops on the window pane. Now I'm thirsty to try out some of these new blog positions I've heard about, and I'm wondering, how can I get the maximum vicarious thrill out of my blog infidelity and how can I bring it to other people's attention?

Please help......... any tips appreciated.

Amorous Rocker said...

This post made me laugh. It's so true too. I don't get how so many sex bloggers are so egotistical in thinking that everyone knows what they're up to and more so that everyone cares. Or even more so, that everyone would just be so appaled "if they only knew" and blah blah blah.

If I have sex and then have to run to the store for something right after, I would have to assume people who see my hair pulled back in a mess would think I was in a rush, if they thought a thing about it at all. Generally, I don't think I get noticed very much when I'm out daily so I never stop to wonder what strangers are thinking about me.

Luka said...

Old and Past It - I think you are well on the way to fulfilling your thrill-seeking desires. A well placed comment here and there, allowing bloggers to know that theirs is not the only blog you frequent and that you expect to be enjoying yourself in someone else's box shortly, will certainly help you on your way.

Amorous Rocker - I think it's akin to a second adolescence. Much as teenagers tend to think they invented sex, so do sex bloggers of a certain age when they finally discover their g-spot.