Yes, it's time to settle back with a glass of sherry, amid the discarded wrapping paper, pine needles and mince pie crumbs, and reflect upon the year gone by. 2008 has been an exciting rollercoaster ride of nudity, swearing, blog drama and doggerel. Come, take my hand and stroll down memory lane with me.
While many were succumbing to post-festive season depression I lightened the mood with my hilarious Top Tips for Satirical Sex Bloggers. Why I didn't get some sort of award for it I'll never know. Not content to rest on my laurels I went on to post on the problems of dealing with Smelly People. I didn't get an award for that either, but I did get a strong reaction from Mystery Blogger Q who, mistakenly believing the post to be aimed at him, was so incensed he had to close his blog, change his name and start anew elsewhere.
Unperturbed by the maelstrom of Blog Drama ensuing behind the curtains of the Boudoir, I treated everyone to my thoughts on the vanilla sex lives of the animal kingdom. I also took the piss out of blogger charity publishing and intimate hygiene products. The laughs kept coming as I offended several bloggers over my controversial "stop slagging off your spouse online when you're spending their money and leaving them with the kids while you're out shagging" point of view and got myself turfed off a couple of blogrolls.
This Scentsational post really set the tone for the month. I went on to issue my Sex Blog Challenge and post my first proper HNT. To my complete and utter unsurprise I garnered bucketloads of comments for that, and subsequent HNT posts, while the doggerel I slaved over for minutes at a time and lovingly shaped into bouncy rhymes was met with a collective "meh". This taught me a valuable lesson and I now only give poetry readings with my tits out.
In an attempt to prevent too many innocent bloggers becoming unwitting April Fools I posted a satirical swipe at those who shamelessly thrust their online begging bowls at all and sundry. (If these people spent less time online posting about expensive knickers and hotel rendezvous and more time working and saving they might not need to do so much fucking scrounging. Mind you, there'll be slim pickings in 2009 for blog beggars, given the current economic climate, that's for sure. We're all fucking skint now.) April also saw a new commenter, "Grundy Boyo", appearing on my blog. In response to his endless questions about the ins and outs of the sex blogging world I posted a helpful guide to Blog Drama Club.
The month opened with a shocker, as Grundy Boyo was unmasked as Mystery Blogger Q in an ill-fitting disguise. I laughed, I did. Mystery Blogger Q, however, did not and he was forced to close his blog, change his name and start anew elsewhere.
I only went and got a Fleshbot, and me an anti-sex-blogger and all! Who'd have thought it? June was the month I also celebrated my Blogoversary, for which I wrote a tedious review of the year, much like this one, which generated hearty congratulations and a mystery abusive comment. Heh.
The heat flooded both my brain and loins and I found myself helplessly ejaculating deviant filth onto my blog, which was rightly Fleshbotted for being so intensely arousing. Unsatiated I hotly thrust forward my historical bonkbuster, The Improbable Adventures of Hermione Saucebucket. Why that didn't win an award I'll never know.
In a fit of creative naughtiness I lampooned a bit of blog drama that was currently happening elsewhere. My faith in sex bloggers was restored as the lampoonees were most gracious about my silliness. In contrast I went on to post on the surprisingly few arsey comments I get for being such an unremitting twat in public, which itself only managed to generate one arsey comment. Tsk.
This was a busy month for me. I got reviewed (though the review site in question seems to have since died on its arse), listed as a Top Sex Blogger of 2008, and stopped doing HNTs. That last one was tough as in return for keeping my tits in, I had to forfeit those 30+ comments a week from people I don't know that said "HHNT!" In the end I just had to be strong and deal with the loss in my own quiet way.
My favourite month. It contains my birthday, which is obviously a cause for celebration, and Halloween, my favourite holiday of all. I spent most of October in a state of happy inebriation and over-excitement which meant that no one was offended and no blogs closed.
The concept of Tantric Sex Blogging was born. My thoughts on the Painful Truth of blogging led to a mild outbreak of blog drama while my thoughts on the Naked Truth about sock puppets, bizarrely, led to full scale supersized BLOG DRAMA of gargantuan, vein-popping proportions. In fact, Mystery Blogger Q was so incensed he had to close all his blogs, change his name, change it back again, re-open his blogs by invite only, close them again, and then relaunch them and start anew elsewhere.
The season of goodwill and it showed in my hardly mentioning sock puppets at all now I am aware of the offense they cause for some people. A time for sober reflection, I found myself musing upon the nature of Regret and then toying with some Lego. Then I decided to get my tits out and the comments rolled back in again.
All in all, looking back at 2008, I'd say that went as well as could be expected.