Monday, 10 November 2008

Tantric Sex Blogging - Issue No 2

2. The Action

This should never be contained within a single post. That is a waste of valuable blogging material. The most mundane twenty minute coupling can be broken down into a lengthy series of vignettes. Random snapshots of hotel scenes, fragmented conversations, photos of disembodied limbs against a background of stained nylon carpet or MDF headboard, these all help bulk out your basic, flimsy material.

Luka's Tip of the Day: To really eke out your material try using a gimmick such as writing your post in 50 words or less. It'll take for-fucking-ever to finish writing up your afternoon delight at that rate and everyone will think you are clever.

Sample Post:

Lardy

I lounged back in my chair, gazing down fondly as my lover parted my hairy knees and smiled up at me. "I'm doing nowt until I've finished this," I asserted, through a mouthful of pie. Undeterred he set to, lapping away like my lady parts were a dripping cornetto on a hot day. He was good. So good I almost put my pork pie down. Almost.

Suddenly he plunged his mighty love prong right up me, and I screamed and convulsed and fucked him right back, smearing lard and crumbs all over us both. Thank fuck I didn't spill my pint as well!

9 comments:

Helga Hansen said...

This story has an element of deja vu about it... I can't quite put my finger on it... damn!

You don't have a spare pork pie there, do you? I don't smoke...

Luka said...

Helga - deja vu? I think maybe some bloggers have simply been following my Tantric Guide and are reaping the literary benefits.

Riff Dog said...

Certainly I'm guilty of dragging a tale out from time to time. But I do have to agree with you here about the sex needing to be all in one post. That drives me nuts. Even if pork pies are involved.

Old and past it said...

This is so much better than the real thing. My pasty overflows... Why don't all sex blogs include junk food instead of Jamie Oliver?
More power to your burly forearm!

Luka said...

Riff Dog - Cliffhanger Riff, that's you!

Old and Past It - I think the timely application of a Fray Bentos Steak & Kidney Pie is a much under-used literary device in erotic fiction.

Jackie Adshead said...

Ya can't beat a good pie and pint! Now, what else were you writing about...?? lol

Ro said...

You realise, of course, that if you limited each of your lessons to fifty words, you'd be able to stretch the series out for ever! ;)

Freddy said...

Talking of Jamie Oliver, was it a Pukka Pie?

Luka said...

Jackie - a pie and a pint is all one needs for a guaranteed good time.

Ro - I considered that, but I am such a gobshite I can never manage it.

Freddy - It was a Pork Farms special.