Saturday, 8 November 2008

Tantric Sex Blogging - Issue No 1

How to Turn a Twenty Minute Shag Into an Everlasting Source of Blog Fodder

Don't be a One-Pump Chump! With Luka's Guide to Tantric Sex Blogging you too can learn the mystical art of transforming your singular, short-lived "I done it in a Travel Inn" post into an epic experience which will last an eternity and leave everyone gasping "when the fuck will it end?"

Over the posts ahead Luka's Guide to Tantric Sex Blogging will cover all aspects of dragging out your sexual shenanigans from boring build-up to arse-numbing retrospection. Every issue comes with a unique Luka-style example of the featured technique and builds into a comprehensive collection with its own imitation leather binder.

1. Build Up.

This is key. Don't just launch straight into a detailed account of your afternoon of condoms and carpet burns. That wastes valuable blogging material. You can fill your blog with posts over many days, weeks, even months about the search for a willing partner, your successes and disappointments, hopes and fears, your lists of requirements, arranging the venue, and even packing your bag. You might think it would make pretty tedious reading but there are many who will hang on your every word, agog, wide-eyed with wonder at the saucy daring of walking through public areas with a vibrator in your bag.

The trick is to imbue every dull detail of planning a couple of hours out of the house with a disproportionate amount of suspense and erotic meaning.

Luka's Tip of the Day: Never use email when you could blog it instead! Don't just write privately to your paramour expressing your excitement about meeting them, that is a waste of valuable blogging material! Write open letters on your blog so that everyone knows you really are going to be doing it - with another person! - because that's the sexy, wild, crazy, articulate, desireable blogger you are.

Sample post:

Soon, Darling, Soon

Gird your loins, my beloved, I am on my way! My heart pounds, my breathing quickens and my seat moistens as I count the hours until I am sat on your face once more. I smiled a secret smile as I placed the items for our tryst upon the supermarket conveyor belt. What would the checkout girl think, I wondered, as she rang in the cucumbers, clothes pegs, peanut butter, KY jelly, latex gloves and cat food? Would she guess at the afternoon of pleasure ahead of me? Would she detect my air of barely suppressed sexual excitement? I rubbed my nipples a bit, through my anorak, and winked at her. I bet she was slightly shocked, envious and aroused. I just bet she was. Probably everyone else in the supermarket was, actually, as the kind of sexual chemistry we have cannot be hidden or undetected by lesser mortals who don't get to shag like we do. It comes off me in waves and droplets. You can't miss it.

I shall be with you soon, my passionate love sausage. I can imagine you now, preparing the room, waiting for my knickerless arrival. Hang the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, light the candles, run your nob under the tap and drape yourself across the stained duvet in a frenzy of anticipation. Be ready. I am on my way.

Issue Number 2 coming soon - order your copy now!


Helga Hansen said...

~giggles~ You are so wicked! Thanks for the laugh!

Sweet Cops Wife said...

Here I thought this was gonna be an actual post about Tantric...
LOL is something my hubby and I practice when "we have the time"

Anonymous said...

Available at all *good* newsagents soon...

Adriana said...

-laughs- I love it! I guess I fail because I don't listen to any of your rules. -lol-

daisyfae said...

[breathless] and then what? please, don't keep us waiting? describe the motel! was there an injection-molded plastic headboard glued to the wall?

B said...

I can't believe you are giving out this information for free!

I'm taking notes. I have a problem with the lack of a 'beloved', but when I do, I'll be ready!

Thanks for the entertainment

Carnalis said...

You have me sniggerly rudely. Is there a free gift with issue 2?

Ro said...

I can't possibly write that on my blog - if I write that "my seat moistens", it will raise all sorts of questions that I really don't want to address ...

Old and past it said...

Just reading this sexy story has got my seat all moist and quivery - now where did I put my tube of KY down a moment ago?

A.B. said...

don't forget to donate the proceeds to a decent charity. Or for buttons.

Luka said...

Helga - that's my job, ma'am!

Sweet Cops Wife - as if I would actually post something useful!

Anonymous - ah, we have watched the same ads, I see.

Adriana - never listen to any of my rules, they only lead to cynicism and bitterness!

Daisyfae - oh my god, you've been to the same motel!

B - always a pleasure to pass on the information.

Carnalis - there was a free gift but it fell off.

Ro - you could always illustrate it through the medium of HNT instead!

Old and Past It - steady on, you're getting into Issue No 2 territory!

A.B. - absolutely, a worthy cause (pork pies, scratch cards)is always a winner!