Monday, 17 November 2008

Sex Blogger in Bad Shag Exclusive

"INTERNATIONAL TOP SEX BLOGGER WAS BAD IN BED!"

That's the sensational claim an anonymous sex blogger made to our reporter at the Boudoir this weekend.

NORMAL

Our informer, who would prefer to keep their identity under wraps, says that the online Lothario claimed to be a raunchy, 5-times-a-night sex god in the lurid posts he published on his blog, yet when she met him in real life he turned out to be "utterly normal".

KINKY

"If anything he was a bit bland," she said. "I was expecting someone larger than life, with an enormous todger and a sack full of kinky toys - a bit like a rude Father Christmas, I suppose. I should have known he didn't really exist. Instead he was a completely average, mundane mortal, with an unremarkable willy and a packet of condoms. Turned out he was more dud than stud."

STEAM TRAIN

When pressed for details our crestfallen correspondent continued: "Well, you know. He didn't make me wet just looking at him, I didn't come like a steam train during our first frantic fumble in the back of his van and he did not make me feel like I was being split asunder when he plunged into me. To be honest, he barely touched the sides.

I really feel there should be some sort of regulatory body set up to ensure this kind of blatant misrepresentation doesn't keep happening. I would hate anyone to go through the same disappointment and financial loss that I have. That's £3.20 bus fare I'm never going to see again."

TIGHTS

Our informant concluded, sadly "I just hope my story serves as a warning to others. Those sex bloggers, they promise you the moon on a stick and a stick up the arse but the reality is that they often don't even know how to undo a bra and come in their pants before you've got your tights off."

Have you had a bad sex blogger shag? Contact our confidential informant line and give us all a laugh.

18 comments:

Trixie said...

Typical...all mouth and no trousers. Ummm...don't know if I would want to confide in you if I have had any fun (or not) with bloggers, lol!

EmmaK said...

No bad blogger shags but back in the age of steam trains I used to answer personal ads and one guy phoned me and said he was great in bed, extremely sensous and loved to please women and the actual session ended up being a damp squib plus he was hairier than a tarantula and sweated buckets. yuck.

Luka said...

Trixie - you can always confide in me secure in the knowledge that I shall only post the funniest bits and not mention names.

Emma - *shudders*. That's exactly why we need more people to come forward to expose these misrepresentative sexual charlatans.

Tom Allen said...

:laughs:

Excellent reporting work, Luka. I look forward to more exposes.

Carnalis said...

bwahahahaha

there should be some sort of
regulatory body ..


i volunteer!

you poke many a neurosis there x

Ro said...

I find it far better to downplay my exploits, then the reality can only be an improvement :)

Freddy said...

Those sex bloggers, they promise you the moon on a stick and a stick up the arse but the reality is that they often don't even know how to undo a bra and come in their pants before you've got your tights off.

You may want to add a bit more punctuation here.
All sex bloggers know how to come in their pants (and some know how to have sex in a hotel bar).

xxxx

Walker said...

From the bedrooms of sex bloggers to the Barbed Boudoir anchor desk.

Luka said...

Tom - I shall go undercover and bring the real stories to you all.

Carnalis - I make good use of my pointy stick.

Ro - that's a cunning ploy.

Freddy - you have a point.

Walker - and now over to our weather girl...

Old and past it said...

I haven't shagged a sex blogger but I wouldn't expect it to be any great shakes. I expect they are a bit like many comedians. Miserable gits in real life, they save all their jokes for the stage act. Present company excepted, natch (I don't want to risk the clunking fist of the boudoir).

Luka said...

Old and Past It - no one wants to risk that. The power in my burly forearms is considerable.

MonMouth said...

...but back to that "regulatory body".

I'm with Carnalis on this one - seems we both want to get on that hot, naked regulatory body of yours.

x

Luka said...

Monmouth - there's a rigorous selection process but I could find an opening for both of you.

x

Carnalis said...

i am confident we would all be conscientious in our efforts for full and frank exposure

x x

Luka said...

Carnalis - I have every confidence in your ability to carry out a full probe into these areas. x

B said...

if ever you need an impartial ear or second opinion to seek out 'the funny bits' I volunteer. I can't imagine a better job - I'll do it for free ;)

Luka said...

B - excellent! You're hired!

B said...

I'll have my boots polished by Monday... hopefully my intray will be full of juicy funnies by then?

Hoorah! I have a job!