Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Musical Box

I am working on a playlist. My halloween playlist. It's fucking amazing. Each year it just gets better and better.

I am one of those annoying people who won't let anybody else touch the music system at parties. But then again, that's fair, as most of the time what other people want to put on is a load of old wank that would clear a dance floor quicker than announcing the buffet's open.

While I may ring the changes with new additions to the playlist from party to party, there are some songs on which you can rely. It is a given that come the end of the night, full of wine and emotion, there will come a soulful rendition of Town Without Pity and/or No More "I Love You"s. Much like the National Anthem playing at the end of transmission on TV, this is a useful musical cue and after the requisite token resistance I allow myself to be put to bed.

I can't possibly be alone in this. What's your end-of-the party drunken singalong song?

Friday, 17 October 2008

Male Order

Because in my time I have purchased lingerie from catalogues and online retailers I tend to be on a lot of mailing lists. Today I received a lovely little brochure in the post, with the usual array of corsets, basques, vibrators, and impractical footwear on display. Imagine my delight when I discovered, lurking among the French Maid and Naughty Nurse outfits the following "sexy" little numbers for men.

I laughed. A lot. My daughter came to look over my shoulder. "It's so nice that men have to wear these sorts of stupid outfits as well now," she opined, after the initial shriek of hilarity.

We were particularly taken with the skimpy camouflage knickers, above.

Tell me, I have to know - has anyone ever bought this sort of thing for the men in their life not as a joke? Men - have you ever purchased such an outfit to liven up things in the bedroom? And if so, did it stimulate more than a bout of giggling?

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Paddling in the Shallow End

Those of you who pop by from time to time will be aware of my distaste for those adultery blogs where the author takes the opportunity to publicly put the boot into their spouse.

I have grown used to reading lengthy justifications as to why certain bloggers are driven to spend occasional afternoons bouncing around on a hotel mattress with someone they met off the internet. Given that some spouses out there are sexless, joyless, control freaks, focused mainly on their work or the children, and with very different needs (they want to unwind with a cup of tea in front of Gardener's World, their partner wants to bounce around on a hotel mattress with someone they met off the internet and then post pictures of it on their blog) it is only to be expected that their hard-done-by partner should slope off for a bit of fun elsewhere.

(See, here I am taking the piss, but these "they made me do it, look, here's my tale of nobbing Nigel from Accounts" blogs are phenomenally popular. What's that all about? Is it the cyber equivalent of a soap opera, only with more flap shots?)

Desensitised as I am to these "I hate my spouse but I'll still spend their money/eat their cooking/wear the shirts they laundered/leave them with the kids while I'm out nobbing/give them an occasional shag" blog posts I was still stunned by the latest effort over at the Philosophy of Infidelity.

A light hearted jolly romp of a post about wishing your spouse would die.

I am somewhat comforted by the comments, which indicate that no, not everyone does think that bereavement would be the "easier" option for the family, actually, but it still ranks as a new low in adultery blogging. And that's saying something.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Guess the Costume

Those of you who give a stuff may remember my call for Halloween costume ideas a few weeks ago.

I have been busy accumulating various items for my chosen outfit.


So far I have:
  • one long sleeved fishnet bodystocking
  • red high heeled shoes
  • gloves
  • false eyelashes
Who am I planning to be?

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Never Mind the Anguish, Look At My Bra

Sunshine yellow to lift my mood as well as my bosoms.

Nuts to my heartfelt and angst-fuelled metaphorical ramblings. Tits. That's where it's at.

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Reader's Question Time

In a reversal of the more usual "please email your questions to me (or, more likely, I'll make them up) and I will give you some half-baked advice" slot you find on some blogs, I would like to ask a question and receive the benefit of your cumulative wisdom.

What advice would you give someone who had inadvertently eaten an entire packet of Hobnobs the very day they'd vowed to lay off the biscuits for good? I know it's wrong but I can't resist the evil lure of that fucking seductive biscuit tin.

(I have similar questions regarding wine, chocolate, pasta, Kettle Chips and pies.)

Wednesday, 1 October 2008


Jackie Adshead has completed a series of gorgeous paintings of ladyparts. I strongly suggest you take a look here, if you haven't already. If you are a lady and would like your parts immortalised in paint for all eternity then do drop her a line, as a second series is in the offing.

I am all for celebrating womanhood and baring our blart boxes as a gesture of sisterly solidarity, yet I feel that the menfolk are missing out somewhat.

So I am proposing my own, deeply artistic, celebration of manhood.

I am an experienced willy artist. I have adorned countless text books and posters with manly appendages. I can do spunking or non spunking. I can do hairy balls and everything. I have my own felt tip pen.

If you are a man and have a willy you would like to see in artistic form in my upcoming Cockfest, do send your pic to the usual address. Total anonymity assured. Unless it is a particularly good one. Or funny.