Monday, 8 September 2008

Another Raunchy Review

Being a Top Sex Blogger of 2008 (official) you would think the free sex toys would be thrusting, gyrating and vibrating their way through my silicon-lubed letterbox in their droves, wouldn't you?

But no. I have received fuck all on the freebies front. So, if, like me, you haven't been sent a free sex toy to review because you haven't littered your blog with adverts and are prone to honesty, despair not! I am here to help you make an informed choice as to what everyday household items can also be used as sensual playthings.

Leaving aside the obvious choices (cucumbers, electric toothbrushes and sitting upon the washing machine when set to the spin cycle) there is much to be said for exploring more obscure yet creative options. Yes, today we look at the erotic potential of the humble tea towel.

One of the big selling points for the tea towel is that most of us already have one, they are easy to clean (simply toss into the washing machine - then sit on it for the spin cycle if you are still hot to trot despite all your hot tea towel action) and come in a variety of colours and designs. Feel like getting kinky with something adorned with the legend "A Gift from Cornwall" or pictures of steam trains, kittens or maps of the county? No problem. Want to do something unspeakable with a piece of fabric embellished with the butterflies of Britain, London buses or scenes "Frae Bonnie Scotland"? The tea towel can meet your needs, no matter how bizarre or specialised.

Folded over they make a wonderful impromptu blindfold. If you have a drawer-full of tea towels languishing unused, why not go for the full BDSM Tea Time Scene? With your partner securely bound to a dining chair with tea towels, blindfolded and gagged likewise, you can then torment their helpless and vulnerable form with a flick of the wet tea towel you now brandish. With a bit of practice and a quick snapping action of the wrist you can arouse them until you can hang your tea towel off their nipples. If you want to play out the entire scenario you can then move onto fun with sugar tongs, biscuit crumb torture and hot and cold play with chilled teaspoons which you then warm up when stirring your hot tea.

NB. Do check your partner was up for the BDSM Tea Time Scene and didn't just genuinely pop by for tea. The vicar still won't meet my eye these days.

21 comments:

Walker said...

Don't forget you can clean up with them after and the do such a fine job wiping the KY away with one pass ;)

Carnalis said...

teehee

i am reviewing my pile of crisp ironed tea-towels with a fresh eye ... perhaps i should not starch them next time.

Riff Dog said...

At the sex shop on the corner, they have a whole section of tea towels. It's all the rage here!

Helga Hansen said...

I can't believe Carnalis irons her tea towels! Reminds me of my sister-in-law who irons her knickers!

Personally I enjoy a little self-fondling with oven mitts. It's much easier than lying on my arm until there's no feeling in it!!

Ro said...

So I guess this would not be a good time to own up to ironing tea towels? Hey, they lie much more nicely in the drawer then ~blush~

Luka said...

Walker - absolutely, good point! They can also be used to help polish anything that needs a bit of a buff.

Carnalis - the starch will give them the same quality as Izal toilet paper, so they will merely spread stuff around rather than being absorbant. That may be what you want if you aim to punish, though.

Riff Dog - I am always at the cutting edge of kitchen-based sexual trends.

Helga - oven mitts are much underrated, it's true.

Ro - noooo, life is far too short to iron a tea towel!

Ro said...

Not at all: it's necessarily a subjective calculation but, for me, the marginal benefit I derive from the few moments it takes to iron a tea towel far outweighs the opportunity cost.

Sorry - once an economist, always an economist :)

Carnalis said...

@Ro *what?*


of course i iron tea-towels, and sheets .. but knickers? no. All those little scraps of lace would be SO tricky.

Ro said...

Translation for Carnalis: I see the pleasure I get from ironed tea towels as well worth the small amount of time it takes to iron them.

Mind you, I draw the line at sheets. Unless they're linen. Or good-quality cotton. And I'm due a guest ;)

Dear Luka ... did you really expect this thread to turn into a discussion of ironing? :)

Luka said...

I am no longer surprised at any strange turns the conversation takes in my comments box :)

Amy said...

Great post and very, very odd comments, luka. BTW, I want carnalis and ro to visit me. I don't even iron my cotton shirts - not enough hours in the day.

Luka said...

Amy - thank you, I try to keep you entertained. Important issues like whether knickers and tea towels need ironing are exactly the kind of odd digression that makes my comments box so much more interesting than everyone elses.

Carnalis said...

Linen? of course linen (cream - not white - btw).

Well pressed sheets are a personal luxury worth any amount of effort (as long as there is something entertaining on TV at the same time). Is there anything to beat the combination of fresh sheets and smooth, freshly bathed and oiled skin?

Carnalis said...

http://www.erosblog.com/2008/09/09/i-dont-do-ironing/

*grin*

Anonymous said...

Jeez Luka, don't forget the Hoover, and the Cuisinart, and the electric carving knife and the lawn mover too--i mean if you're going to have fun might as well use all the instruments at you disposal--who needs a simple vibrator when you have all that to choose from' Oh my forgot the garbage disposal.

Your ever-loving
Beau

Anonymous said...

Damn: forgot the electic coffee bean grinder--boy do those babies vibrate lol

beau

Freddy said...

1 - this is why you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties.

2 - not Beau's parties!

Anonymous said...

But Freddie--my parties are "fun" ! lol

Helga Hansen said...

Brings new meaning to the phrase "grind, baby, grind"!!! Vvvrrrrooooommm!!

Jackie Adshead said...

Mmmmm.... your idea of ways to play with tea towels brings new meaning to the idea of "domestic bliss".......

Luka said...

Carnalis - I do like sliding between clean sheets, but I can't say I am fussed whether they have been ironed or not. Good pic, by the way :)

Beau - you have a creative mind!

Freddy - *chuckle*

Helga - it does indeed, and brings tears to my eyes.

Jackie - I am indeed a domestic godess.