Friday, 11 July 2008

Real Sexy Sex Fleshbot Me Fuck Post

Words were unnecessary. Just a look was all it took to have my thighs opening and my gusset moistening. He was a veritable love god, stood before me, hands on his solid hips, groin jutting forward, proudly displaying his gaudily stained, yet impressively full, Y-fronts.

"Is that a salami in your underpants or are you just pleased to see me?" I bantered, lustily.

"It's a salami."

I laughed.

"No, really. It's this stupid fucking ban on plastic bags in order to save the planet. I didn't have enough cash in the supermarket to buy a re-usuable bag. Or a salami, if I'm honest. So I put in down my trousers and legged it."

God, this wild-eyed, sausage-packing maverick made me wet.

I tore open my blouse, sending buttons pinging across the room.

"Take me now!"

He didn't need telling twice. He flung the salami aside, stepped out of his undercrackers and pushed me down onto the bed.

"Tell me about him," he grunted as he set to with his own peperami.

"Who?" I panted as I gyrated wildly against him.

"Mr Baskum," he gasped.

Ah, yes, of course. This was a well worn fantasy of his. He liked to fuck me while I told him of my bedtime adventures with Mr Baskum, a stuffed penguin toy of mine.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes! Yes! I have thought of nothing else since we last met!"

"Well, I was in bed with Mr Baskum before I came here, to you."

"Did you...?"

"Rub his fuzzy yellow beak all over my face and pretend to feed him a fish? Damn right I did. And I fucking loved it."

His face contorted with what might have been jealousy, or possibly wind. Still, his peperami was feeling more like a full blown salami now so I knew his desires were being met. The kinky fucker.

"Oh god...yes....uh...uh...uh....What were you wearing?"

"Exactly what I'm wearing now."

"The naughty nun habit and a pair of flippers?"

I nodded, seductively, my head bouncing off the headboard as he pounded even harder. He'd bought me those flippers. I wondered how he felt about the thought of me in them, waddling about the bedroom with Mr Baskum, making penguin noises. Yeah, he got off on it all right. He could barely articulate now.

"And did he...did you...at the end....what happened?"

"God, it was incredible."

"Oh my....did Mr Baskum squeeze the salad cream bottle?"

"Fuck yes. It went everywhere. All over my thighs, belly and breasts. Some even hit my chin and dripped off, salad creamily. Dirty, naughty, beaky Mr Baskum."

That was it. I'd pushed him beyond the point of no return.

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggg," he cried. And "Nnnnnnnnggggg".

In one swift movement he withdrew and squirted his own organic salad cream all over my chest of drawers.

"Fuck. I missed."

"It's ok darling. It was still impressive. Now pass me that salami."

Edit: To read this sort of thing written seriously (and far better) go here.

29 comments:

Helga Hansen said...

You dirty girl! You so deserve to be Fleshbotted!! Want a cloth to wipe the muck off the drawers?

Luka said...

Helga - nah, I'll just mop it up with Mr Baskum.

Ro said...

Damn, girl! You really know how to make a man feel inadequate. Perhaps if I act more penguin-like?

And now I'm hungry for salami ... need I add I mean that in a non-sexual sense?

Luka said...

Ro - you can borrow these flippers if you like but the salami is all mine.

ACB said...

hahah, this is amazing - maybe one of my favourite posts of yours ever!

Walker said...

Now that was kosher :)

Freddy said...

I really must learn not to read and drink coffee at the same time
I bet my mouthful of coffee spread further than your salad cream!

Wicked and witty and strangely arousing

Freddy said...

whoops - could you all just ignore the last two words of the previous post

Luka said...

acb - thank you! I was *inspired*.

Walker - it had it all, it's true.

Freddy - would you like to borrow Mr Baskum to clean up your keyboard?

Anonymous said...

You were inspired indeed, weren't you. Care so tell us what by?

Whatever.

Luka said...

Anonymous - Hello Cyrano!

Anonymous said...

What can I say. You're obsessed.

bittersweet said...

snigger

and then again. Even harder, and louder.


clever, witty, sexy (so sexy) .. need i go on? Brilliant.

Luka said...

Cyrano - what can I say. I *am* obssessed. I adore writing comedy. (Are you allowed to be talking to me like this, btw?)

Luka said...

Bittersweet - you are way too kind. I am glad my flavoursome blend of silliness and sexual allure is still a winner :) x

Anonymous said...

BS and Luka: Well, one gets used to inspiring people to do great things. And not getting any kind words or credit for doing so either. That's the risk one takes when associates with ungracious brats.

Have fun, you two.

Luka said...

AWOOGA! AWOOGA!

BLOG DRAMA ALERT!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

AWOOGA.

etc

Anonymous said...

btw - forgot to mention. Enjoyed it. Made me laugh. I don't mind this sort of thing. It's the other I do.

Luka said...

Anonymous Cyrano - thank you. I enjoyed the original very much too. I would be more than happy to link to it but I am never sure what the etiquette should be any more. If you'd like a credit it shall be up in a blink. My attempt at a Real Sexy Sex Fuck Post was inspired by your post but *isn't* meant to be *your* post. It is entirely my version of how stupidly a similar scenario would play out in LukaLand because mine is a silly world. I can't do a genuine sex post without making it comical - you know that :)

Anonymous said...

That is very gracious. Link away, or not, as you see fit.

Luka said...

Anonymous Q - linked. Mr Baskum is pleased, he hates it when we fight.

puckrup said...

Does this post contain erotic subliminals? I'm only asking as I found it so disturbingly arousing...Help me....

(into my penguin suit...kWWWaarrrKK...and bring me my jar of Marmite...ooooFFF...)

Luka said...

Puckrup - Marmite? That's just *sick*!

Anonymous Boxer said...

You know I adore you more when there's blog drama.

thanks, xxoo.

It only confirms what I already know;

you are fabulous.

Luka said...

Anonymous Boxer - thank you. I am always reassured to know I have you in my corner x

Curvaceous Dee said...

"Slide!"

*ahem* That is all.

xx Dee

Luka said...

Dee - whhhhheeeeeeeeeee! x

Nichole said...

That was HILARIOUS! Loved it. You totally cheered me up. Was feeling very blue.

Thanks,
Nichole.

Luka said...

Nichole - hello! You are very welcome and thank you for letting me know I've managed to cheer you up!