Friday, 4 July 2008

Lucky Stars

I have decided to dabble in astrology.

I have studied the charts carefully, consulted my almanacs and composed a whole new value added feature for this most varied and interesting of blogs.

It's in the Stars - Your Horoscope for the Week Ahead!

Actimel
21 January - 19 February

You will exchange money with a shopkeeper in the early part of the week. Expect to confront the raider of your dustbin. Cornflakes will be of significance after Thursday. The potato masher will turn up in the next drawer down.

Panties
20 February - 20 March

Be aware of elastic marks on your upper thighs as Pluto moves into your aura at 9.45pm on Tuesday. Be bold in your business dealings and throw away the funny smelling ham.

Hairpiece
21 March - 20 April

Expect a text on Friday from someone called Dave. Disappointment may feature in your life but you will find comfort in pies and vodka. Your lucky colour is puce.

Testes
21 April - 21 May

An old friend will spill tea on your correspondence and ask to borrow some money. The number 7 is significant this week. Those shoes will cause a blister.

Jammy Dodger
22 May - 21 June

As Saturn rises before you most weekdays you will discover there’s not enough hot water for a bath and all the towels are damp. Beards are important on Thursday.

Catflap
22 June - 23 July

You will receive a message from overseas, possibly about money or enlarging a body part. An argument on Monday will lead to unexpected chafing.

Duck
24 July - 23 August

Mars moves into the spare room in the later part of the week causing unrest and a disproportionate increase in milk consumption. A mix up with a post-it note and a tub of fromage frais leads to hilarious consequences.

Vimto
24 August - 23 September

You will put your hand in something sticky on Saturday. The salad drawer of the fridge contains an unpleasant surprise. Oven mitts are lucky for you.

Lilets
24 September - 23 October

Venus slides down the banisters this week, bringing romance and an unsettled stomach into your life. Trousers are important on Wednesday.

Sago
24 October - 22 November

The signs are promising that this is a propitious time to have a nice sit down and a cup of tea. Those spots are a reaction to your new deodorant and nothing to worry about.

Halibut
23 Nov - 21 December

A work colleague will eat the last Hobnob and trigger a chain of events that lead to financial crisis and a broken stapler by the end of the week. Listen to your heart when it comes to that spider in the bath.

Caravan
22 December - 20 January

A business deal will go favourably when you keep your cool and wear your lucky hat. The cat has left a surprise in the sock drawer.

27 comments:

Ms Robinson said...

And what planet are you on this week;)

Angela-la-la said...

Waiter! A pint of what Luka's drinking, if you please.

Anonymous said...

Interesting, darlin' esp mine since it's my birthday this Sunday--after that 'scope I just may skip the rest of the month lol

love
Beau

Luka said...

Ms R - I am on Planet Pain Relief. It has purty colours! x

Angela-la-la - ah, you want the white wine and opiates spritzer. With one of them little umbrellas and a cocktail cherry. In a pint glass.

Beau - ooh, this Sunday? Any plans? And watch out for that chafing.

Anonymous said...

Plans? no-not really--I'm getting too old for birthdays--just send me a kiss and it will be the best present I can get :-) Just having you in my life--no matter how far away is really present enough for any guy.

my love to you
Beau

An Artist Exposed said...

Hehe - this left me finishing my day with a big grin. My sign is panties, by the way.

Curvaceous Dee said...

I get to wear my lucky hat (and nothing else, I hope) and I find a present in my sock drawer?

Oh Luka, this is going to be the best week ever!

xx Dee

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Next time I see Neil Spencer, I shall tell him to watch out. You've got an obvious talent for this.

Luka said...

Beau - I will see if I can come up with something special for you.

An Artist Exposed - hello! The signs are always spot on, so I feel confident that you fit Panties perfectly.

Curvaceous Dee - the signs never lie! :) x

Suzanne - I am gifted. Some people say special.

Freddy said...

vodka and pies eh?

That was last week!

trumpeter said...

I'm a Testes, on the cusp of Jammy Dodger. But now I secretly wish I was a Vimto, it's so much more evocative.

Anonymous said...

Oh darlin you did--thank you so much. it means the world to me :-)

hugs, kisses,loves

Beau

bittersweet said...

a text from Dave, eh. But which one?

I'm glad i am not a halibut.

Jackie Adshead said...

So if you're on the cusp of Hairpiece and Testes - does that mean that Dave will wear shoes that cause a blister and the old friend will turn puce through 7comfortable pies?

Luka said...

Freddy - the rings around Uranus tell me this could be true.

Trumpeter - hello! We always want what we haven't got, it's just human nature. Besides, being on the cusp is evocative in its own right.

Beau - You are very welcome, and Happy Birthday!

Bittersweet - yes, if you were a Halibut I am not sure how compatible we would be :) I am a Lilets so fit snugly for most.

Jackie - it might do. Yeah, why not?

Trixie said...

Dammit, I better clean out my salad drawer!

Luka said...

Trixie - you know it, the stars are never wrong!

Luka said...

Previous comment deleted cos it was spam.

EmmaK said...

thank you oh wise one. I am caravan but don't want to wear my lucky hat because it is bloody boiling. also I don't have a cat otherwise spot on ;)

Luka said...

Emma - defy the stars at your peril! Wear the hat!

Walker said...

Puce?
WTF is puce?
And I still have more hair than a million bald guys LOL

Luka said...

Walker - it is the colour sex bloggers go when I write a Fun Quiz about them.

Melissaria said...

You're a genuis - I am a testes (not a phrase I use often...) and would you believe it, it was the 7th day of the 7th month only yesterday, and yes those shoes HAVE given me a blister. Now I'll just conveniently forget the stuff that wasn't relevant, and we've got a genuine psychic/sucker thing going on here...

Luka said...

Melissaria - that's the spirit!

Ro said...

How (sadly) appropriate to find I am a Hairpiece!

I never did get a text from a Dave ... but, then, you only said I should expect one not that I would actually receive one.

I'm sure you made a small slip though: surely that should be gin rather than vodka.

Luka said...

Ro - the stars never lie, but they can sometimes evade the truth!

puckrup said...

Best and most accurate horoscope I've ever read. When are you going to start a phoneline? This service needs to be shared more widely!