I have studied the charts carefully, consulted my almanacs and composed a whole new value added feature for this most varied and interesting of blogs.
It's in the Stars - Your Horoscope for the Week Ahead!
21 January - 19 February
You will exchange money with a shopkeeper in the early part of the week. Expect to confront the raider of your dustbin. Cornflakes will be of significance after Thursday. The potato masher will turn up in the next drawer down.
20 February - 20 March
Be aware of elastic marks on your upper thighs as Pluto moves into your aura at 9.45pm on Tuesday. Be bold in your business dealings and throw away the funny smelling ham.
21 March - 20 April
Expect a text on Friday from someone called Dave. Disappointment may feature in your life but you will find comfort in pies and vodka. Your lucky colour is puce.
An old friend will spill tea on your correspondence and ask to borrow some money. The number 7 is significant this week. Those shoes will cause a blister.
22 May - 21 June
As Saturn rises before you most weekdays you will discover there’s not enough hot water for a bath and all the towels are damp. Beards are important on Thursday.
22 June - 23 July
You will receive a message from overseas, possibly about money or enlarging a body part. An argument on Monday will lead to unexpected chafing.
24 July - 23 August
Mars moves into the spare room in the later part of the week causing unrest and a disproportionate increase in milk consumption. A mix up with a post-it note and a tub of fromage frais leads to hilarious consequences.
24 August - 23 September
You will put your hand in something sticky on Saturday. The salad drawer of the fridge contains an unpleasant surprise. Oven mitts are lucky for you.
24 September - 23 October
Venus slides down the banisters this week, bringing romance and an unsettled stomach into your life. Trousers are important on Wednesday.
The signs are promising that this is a propitious time to have a nice sit down and a cup of tea. Those spots are a reaction to your new deodorant and nothing to worry about.
A work colleague will eat the last Hobnob and trigger a chain of events that lead to financial crisis and a broken stapler by the end of the week. Listen to your heart when it comes to that spider in the bath.
A business deal will go favourably when you keep your cool and wear your lucky hat. The cat has left a surprise in the sock drawer.