Monday, 7 July 2008

Fashion Tips for Sex Bloggers

Everyone knows that sex bloggers type up their hot and steamy escapades while dressed in Bovril stained dressing gowns and baggy underwear. But when they are offline and meeting fellow bloggers for a bit of mutual material garnering they need just the right outfit for that all important scene setting. Something that says "I am sexy, intelligent, thoughtful, adventurous and definitely up for a right good porking at the nearest Travel Inn."

So, to help things along I have come up with my guide to sex blogger clobber.

Girls:
  1. A skirt. Short. Trousers are a big no-no. It has to be something he can stick his hand up or it just won't work in the blog.
  2. A blouse with buttons down the front. No other top will suffice. It has to have buttons that reveal your heaving cleavage, buttons that can be slowly undone later, or sent flying through the room as he rips it off you.
  3. High heels of some sort. Boots or shoes, doesn't matter which.
  4. Stockings, of course. Tights have no place in sex blog writing.
  5. Underwear needs to be sexy and impractical. The kind of elaborate basque or corset that can only be unhooked by a team of super-dextrous helper monkeys or something. Knickers are optional. If you do wear them you must ensure that they are sodden at all times and do remove them during dinner.
Boys:
  1. Anything you like. It's only your hands, tongue and cock that'll get a mention so you can go mad and turn up in a wedding dress or a spacesuit for all it matters.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Turning up in a wedding dress, boys? roflmao--very good one Luka me darlin' The Beau laughed heartily

I recommend boots for the ladies--women in boots--yummy--they just somehow get it, tho fuck me heels are nice too. :-)

love
Beau

Tom Allen said...

I love it!

I would have thought, however, that the boys should turn up in half-unbuttoned shirts, all the better to show off their manly pecs. Oh, and of course, to make it that much easier for the girls to rip it off of them in their lust-filled haste.

bittersweet said...

'mutual material garnering' *snort*

it is true that the poor man gets short shift on wardrobe detail, although i like my men to fiddle with cufflinks at some point (preferably when departing from my defiled and spent person).

I am not brave enough for a short skirt .. i go for long and clingy, just incase my stockings slide :D

Luka said...

Beau - I love to make people laugh :)

Tom - you would think so, yes, but those kinds of shirts feature mainly on and between the covers of romantic fiction rather than on sex blogs.

Bittersweet - cufflinks, eh? I am also a fan of the long skirt, but that is mainly to hide my marshmallow thighs.

Freddy said...

I like S wearing the long flowing skirt that falls over my thighs as she rides me to satisfy that first desperate urge...

me? I wear an old pair of joggy bottoms and a t-shirt

Walker said...

I think I still have that little numb er from the halloween party in 80.
It may have shrank by now HA HA HA

Luka said...

Freddy - yes, long flowing skirts are far more practical in many ways, but the top league erotica bloggers like top write 'em up short short short. Many of these creative types are not quite creative enough to think beyond "tart" when dressing up their imaginary girly.

Walker - the tighter the better!

Freddy said...

The imaginary girly always has such long legs too

Luka said...

Freddy - and there is never a hint of stubble, stretchmarks or any other imperfection.

Helga Hansen said...

I will never make a decent sex blogger, 'cos I like wearing trousers, and all my tops have no buttons...

Besides, no-one wants to read about my wobbly bits getting in the way of a good pounding!!

Luka said...

Helga - I am quite sure if we did a quick survey you would find lots of people want to read about your wobbly bits :)

Ro said...

Damn! You mean I have to find some clothes?? I didn't realise women were so demanding!

If we're taking a vote, incidentally, I'll express an interest in Ms Hansen's "wobbly bits" ... purely out of academic interest, of course ;^)

Luka said...

Ro - I like my man in a silk tie myself...

Ro said...

Just a tie, Luka??

Luka said...

Ro - why not?

Facts and Friction said...

This is so true in pretty much all erotic writing, you're very perceptive and ever so slightly cynical, and we wouldn't want it any other way ;)

Luka said...

Facts and Friction - I'm glad to hear it! :)

Ro said...

Oh, Luka ... a gentleman may sometimes wear a shirt without a tie but a tie without a shirt? That would be ... oh, so lewd ;^)

trumpeter said...

I love the rule for boys: "Anything you like".

Luka said...

Ro - that depends upon where he is wearing it. It may be lewd or it may be desperately erotic if I tie it around his eyes and commence to toy with his prone form. Or it may be comical if I decide to tie it around his cock like a big gift ribbon.

Trumpeter - that's a good rule for boys, since it tends to be their unspoken motto for life anyway :)

Tilda said...

Hilarious! I have just found your site and I'm sorry I didn't find it sooner. I am only just learning of the vital importance of heaving cleavage among sex bloggers.

Luka said...

Tilda - hello! The heaving bosom is a necessity - that and/or a decent arse pic.