Friday, 2 May 2008

Undercover Elephant

When you chat online with somebody for hours, every day, for a few years, you get to know their little ways. Quite apart from learning all their likes and dislikes, grudges and gratitudes, you recognise their style of writing, you become familiar with their "voice".

Talented writers can disguise their own voice. They are able to empathise with other people and give a convincing performance, creating characters you can believe in.

Recently I have been contacted by a strange "new" blogger. I put new in quotation marks as the more I conversed with this character, in email and chat, the more familiar their turns of phrase became, the more their prejudices began to show and the more their true voice emerged.

It was, in short, the least convincing disguise since Bugs Bunny put on a pair of false eyelashes and batted them at Elmer Fudd.

I am left to conclude that this is either a symptom of a troubled mind, a manifestation of a split personality, or a laughably transparent attempt to try to get me to dish lots of dirt about my friends, confess to my evil plans to poke fun at completely innocent and hard done by literary sex bloggers and admit that I have strong, unspoken sexual yearnings for the person behind the ill-fitting disguise, aka Mystery Blogger X.

I am guessing it was the latter, given the number of "so, what do your friends think about Mystery Blogger X/you seem to be targetting someone, is it Mystery Blogger X/but what do you really think about Mystery Blogger X?" style questions I was subjected to.

Oh, dear, sweet, mental Mystery Blogger X. Your alter-ego was rubbish. Here are some top tips should you ever (and I hope you won't, as you really are very bad at hiding your inner self) attempt this again:

1. When pretending to be a big Luka fan it helps to say nice things to and about Luka. You should notice when she changes her icon picture in chat, for example, and you should be interested when she posts a saucy pic online. If you were truly keen to get to know Luka you would ask questions about her, how she is, what she likes, rather than about Mystery Blogger X all the time. You twonk.

2. If you are pretending to be a dog owner it is more convincing if you bone up (heh - did you see what I did there?) on breeds of dog beforehand and decide what kind you are supposed to have. You twonk.

3. When quoting me to a friend of mine, try quoting what you, in your fake persona, have been told rather than what you, in your real persona, have been told. That is what gave the game away very early on. You twonk.

4. Try imagining being someone else for just five minutes a day. It's hard, I know, but I believe you could do it if you tried. Imagine how you might think or feel if you were someone other than yourself. Try to live somewhere other than Planet Mystery Blogger X now and then and not only will this improve your creative writing and give you more believable characterisation, it will also help with your interpersonal relationships. You unbelievably mental and self centred twonk.

(Is it just me, or does this kind of thing happen to other people too?)

34 comments:

Ariel said...

Uh? This is just plain weird. Why the dog?

Vi said...

Just you.

Anonymous said...

What a wanker, love, tell him/her to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Twonk is right and I can think of a few more choice morsels of profanity to throw their way.

Beau

Jackie Adshead said...

I had a guy email me some time ago purporting to wanting to commission me for some artwork, but the "pattern" of the so called buyer didn't fit, so I didn't get too involved with my answers. You get a feel for people and what's bona fide even when the communication is limited to emails. Well done, Sherlock Luka, another case cracked me-thinks! (case of bubbly, that is!!!)

Helga Hansen said...

Ah... elephants... will they never learn?

I've been fortunate to spend time in the African bush, and can actually confirm they don't always go crashing through the undergrowth!!

Sometimes they slip away as quietly as they appear...

Luka said...

Ariel - it was an attempt to make the false persona more rounded and to create a bond with me, as I have a dog.

Vi - I'm special.

Beau - remind me never to get on the wrong side of you! :)

Jackie - yes, sometimes your spidey senses just start tingling and you know something just isn't right.

Helga - sometimes they do, you're right.

daisyfae said...

WTF? Where do people get time to do such goofy things? i have a hard enough time keeping up with my physical friends, and the wonderful "virtual" friends i've met through the blog... as well as my JOB?!?!?

"twonk". pretty much says it all... "twonk-tard"? even better...

Luka said...

Daisyfae - that's a very good question. The amount of time and energy devoted to this deception was certainly more than the results were worth.

MonMouth said...

Hilarious! I like the misguidedness of this wannabe-stealth operation to find out what you really think. It's not as if you're usually shy about your opinions or vague in expressing them.

Luka said...

Monmouth - that's exactly it. I will happily give all the information required anyway, big mouthed bint that I am, so why the subterfuge? Now how come you know that and they don't?

Helga Hansen said...

Luka... quite frankly I'm not bothered, but if you feel the need to out said person, why hold back?

As you said yourself, it's not like you to pussy-foot around... unless of course, despite the attempted wool-pulling, you still like the twonk?

Ro said...

I know damn well it's none of my business so why am I so fascinated by the question of who twonked?

I couldn't be bothered to do that sort of thing myself. It's not just that I'm really not very good at deception, it would be far too much work!

Luka said...

Helga - it's only an outing if I bring sandwiches.

Ro - well, I am not surprised it has engaged your interest, it has a plotline worthy of Shakespeare himself. He loved stories with people in bad disguises. Now what was that line again...? Ah yes:

Some are born twonky, some achieve twonkyness, and some have twonkyness thrust upon 'em.

Ro said...

I have heard it said, Luka, that there's no area of the human condition that the Bard did not discuss; I see what they mean now ;^)

Luka said...

Ro - I do believe the Bard himself would have been inspired by this tale :)

Anonymous said...

Sweet Will--one reads many playwrights and they are so dated but
Will--he's truly for all time--he's us--now--400 years later.

Beau

Luka said...

Beau - he was a keen observer of human nature, that's for sure.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I come for the bards and stay for the Blog Drama.

Freddy said...

I can't imagine who would be so utterly stupid as to believe that they could deceive Luka, but whoever it was I think they should be named and shamed!

Luka said...

Anonymous Boxer - and I thought it was my poetry you liked!

Freddy - gosh, you're as feisty as Beau!

Walker said...

Oh yeah I hear you and the answer is yes.
The information learned from me was used to get closer to other people under a different name.
The problem with this kind of crap is we put others at risk when we are not careful.

Luka said...

Walker - yes, it's just a bad idea all round, really. People get hurt.

puckrup said...

Ewwwwww....this is one of the creepiest (and most lame) deceptions ever! Has Mystery Blogtard returded to the stone he slithered out from, or will he strike again?

Luka said...

Puckrup - all is quiet for now...but who knows when the Blogger of a Thousand Voices (all his) will strike again?

Helga Hansen said...

Ah, a clue, a clue, we finally have a clue!

Luka said...

Helga - don't say I never give you anything.

Helga Hansen said...

As if I would ever do that... I sit here, like a little dog, waiting patiently for tit-bits.

Luka said...

Helga - your patience will be rewarded! Would you like your tummy tickled?

Helga Hansen said...

Ooooh... only if you don't mind if my hind leg twitches as you do it...

Luka said...

Helga - no, that only increases my pleasure...

puckrup said...

Get a room, ladies....:)
(Preferably, one adjacent to mine...where's me binoculars..?)

Helga Hansen said...

Luka... your pleasure is my pleasure! ;)

puckrup... will do. Would you like me in my bikini or out of it?

Midnight said...

It's not Dave Cameron is it? Is he trying to get you into his shadow cabinet again?

Luka said...

Puckrup - I don't know about your binoculars, but I see you brought a telescope.

Helga - that's what I like to hear! :)

Midnight - damn, busted! And I was being so careful not to be obvious too.