Monday, 7 April 2008


I sipped my drink and stood by the fire, enjoying the heat on this cold night. I hadn't seen most of the crowd for a good few months so there was much catching up to be done.

"So, how are you?"

"In a bit of pain, actually. I saw the physio earlier and - "

"Oooh, do you need a massage?"

"No. So, I saw the physio and - "

He ran his hand up my thigh and grabbed my arse.

How can I adequately convey the fury I felt at this juncture? I could see little fireworks of red light exploding, and they weren't sparks from the fire.

Firstly, I hurt. I am in pain. I don't want a "massage" from anyone (though a clumsy squeeze from thick sausage-like fingers does not count as a massage in my book) let alone from some bloated, red-faced, lecherous beer swilling, inconsiderate cunt.

Secondly, I hate the fact that he obviously didn't give a flying fuck about how I was or how I felt, he just wanted to cop a feel.

Thirdly, how dare he think he could touch me? Me!

A wounded bear is a dangerous animal.

Luckily I had my physiotherapist's card to hand so I could pass on the number.


Ariel said...

That would have earned him a swift kick in the nuts and a slap, the bastard, assuming of course I was mobile enough to dispense both.

Ro said...

Hmmm ... not exactly the kind of supportive approach you'd like to be able to expect from a friend, was it?

One less Christmas card to write this year?

Luka said...

Ariel - and you'd have had right on your side!

Ro - I think he has shown himself to be no friend of mine. I have withdrawn my hospitality from him.

bittersweet said...

damn those fat-fingered fiends.

Luka said...

Me - Damn them all!

Midnight said...

You should get commission from your physio! A good way to fund your treatment I think?

janeway said...

maybe barbed wire for more than the boudoir? That'd keep the fat fingers away. :-)


Luka said...

Midnight - now there's an excellent business plan!

Janeway - you could be on to something there. Barbed wire bloomers and perhaps a couple of mousetraps.

Helga Hansen said...

I nearly wet my knickers at the mousetraps bit... poor bugger if he tried to slip his hand anywhere it wasn't welcome. It would hurt even more if it were his pecker!!

Walker said...

This is where you pull down his zipper, yank it out and tie a knot in it for him.
Then give him your physiotherapist's card to get help smoothing that knot out.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I started Rolfing last year for some shoulder pain.... it's more painful than I can describe... but it works. I picked a female Rolfer because I wanted an "easy touch" ... I was wrong. I got pain and that's it.

I hope you feel better soon.

Luka said...

Helga - he's lucky it's not a bear trap!

Walker - surely I'd need enough to work with to tie in a knot, and I have my doubts.

Anonymous Boxer - I don't know what Rolfing is! I always assumed that meant being sick! Like Barfing.

La BĂȘte said...

I'm all for short, sharp shocks for sausage-fingered fuckwits - for sure - but what happened next? What did you do? I don’t want to be sitting here imagining it all for myself! Please, Luka. I need the juice. Or is this some kind of masterclass in 'always leave 'em wanting more'? Hmmm...

Luka said...

La BĂȘte - It is one of those annoying pieces where the audience is left to imagine their own ending. Depending on my audience, this could mean picturing me in full fist flying fury, or jiggling about in skimpy nightclothes in some sort of girlie pillowfight. Or something.

My leave 'em hanging approach was not meant to cause you undue stress. Is the tree juice fasting thing not soothing then? I suppose the Ovaltine diet might be better for that.

Anonymous said...

Been me I'd have punched his fucking lights out. The asshole. Oh yes, I do love the word "fuckwit"--perfect for this moron.

Beau in Seattle.

Luka said...

Beau - sometimes the perfect word exists for the situation/person, it's true. I could also have plumped for "fucktard".