Friday, 18 April 2008

I Can Cure You

Would you like me to perform an online medical?

I am a fully qualified blog nurse and can diagnose exactly what is wrong with you just from what you post online.

When I peruse your pixels I can tell what essential elements you are lacking, whether you are over indulging in some areas, and am able to tailor a blogging diet and exercise regime specifically for your needs.

Just pop your clothes off and hop up onto the couch.

Try to relax.

Now, you may feel a bit of a prick.

And now, a short poem, in lieu of a lollipop.

Think of me as the nurse who makes you feel worse
Be my patient
Be patient
Be well.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak,
reveal yourself all to me girl while you've got the strength to speak,...
Bur I could give it all to you now if only you could ask
And don't call the surgeon even if he says it's too late
It's not your lungs this time, it's you heart that holds your fate.

Beau

Luka said...

Beau - I knew you could not resist the lure of this siren...

Anonymous said...

How could I not my dear. Siren songs are wonderful and dangerous and lovely and let us have the searing delights of all that they promise and sometimes give. And sometimes mind fuck us with too--but hey that's part of the delight--as long as they wear red shoes and look like you.
I'm raising a few tonight for Phantom Dan, The Boss, and for you.

Beau, Sad for Phantom Danny Federici but happy to know a bit about you.

Luka said...

Beau - I shall join you in a toast to all those talented people we lose too early and to new friends.

Curvaceous Dee said...

You mean you can fix me? Hooray!

I await your diagnosis and reigime with interest :)

xx Dee

Southern Sage said...

clean off the couch I'm on the way........

Anonymous said...

Get in line buddy :-)

Beau

Luka said...

Dee - I will be over to your blog shortly to give you my diagnosis. You won't feel a thing, honest!

Southern Sage - *dons latex gloves* - ready when you are!

Beau - I do have some most interesting magazines for you to read while you wait.

Helga Hansen said...

Medical advice from a woman dressed in what appears to be a bin liner... hhhmmmm... interesting!

Luka said...

It *is* a bin liner!

You just can't get black plastic disposable aprons, only those virginal white ones. I had to do what I could with scissors, a bin bag and red electrician's tape (to make a cross). It was a triumph!

The hat is made out of cardboard.

I am not mad.

Helga Hansen said...

I believe you... :D

Vi said...

My blog has the shits. What do you recommend?

Luka said...

Helga - oh good!

Vi - I am sorry to hear that. You must take plenty of fluids and give your blog some chocolate and a banana.

Anonymous said...

Magazine's I don't need not with the thought of you in a bin liner and the nurses cap--wanna play doctor? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

lol

Beau

bittersweet said...

diet and exercise??? such words strike fear into me, nurse luka.

can you recommend something soothing for an achy heart?

Luka said...

Beau - ok, just pop behind this screen for a moment...

Bittersweet - my diet and exercise regimes are nothing to fear, I assure you. An aching heart? You need a warm infusion and plenty of TLC. x

Anonymous said...

Behind the screen, in front of the screen, on top, below, beneath, wherever you wish, m' dear Luka.

Beau

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

The stats they are good
But comments are few
So to fix the problem
It's over to you

Prefectdt

Luka said...

Beau - I am a bit of a traditionalist, so am going to opt for behind the screen so that my other patients in the waiting room are not too unsettled.

Luka said...

Spankedhortic - hello!

Comment constipation
Causes great frustation
To make opinions flow
Ask your readers what they know

Helga Hansen said...

Ooohh... en Vlaamse besoeker! And a naughty one too, at that. I think Sister Luka is going to become a source of inspiration, as Meneer Spank likes a bit of arse!

Grundy Boyo said...

Damn. Grundy's just had a bath (he had to, he had someone offering him sex). If he'd seen this first, he could have just got the nurse to give him a bedbath.

Walker said...

Mmmmmmmmkay, I'm game to anything that involves the couch

Luka said...

Helga - the Boudoir has arse in abundance, it's true.

Grundy - I'm not sponging you down for anyone elses benefit.

Walker - how about the gloves and KY?

Walker said...

Been there done that at the doctor's office last week HA HA HA

Luka said...

Walker - and say "ahhhhhhh!"

MonMouth said...

To my head, to my head, a rock n'roll nurse going to my head, to my head to my head, as I was lying in a hospital bed...

Seriously, I hope somebody played you a bit of the New York Dolls while you were wearing that outfit.

x

M

Luka said...

Monmouth - no! No they didn't! But they should have, you're right. x