"The pandas just won't mate, boss."
"You're sure it is actually a boy and a girl panda this time?"
"Positive. They just won't get it on. They seem....uninspired, bored."
"If only they would use their bamboo creatively! A few strokes of the cane and their sex lives would be on fire!"
It is a strange human quirk, the propensity for kink. With High Street shops now boasting Beginner's Bondage Kits and fur-lined handcuffs, it is becoming harder and harder to remain resolutely vanilla. It'll be pink maribou trimmed gas masks next in Ann Summers, you mark my words.
If you have ever stood, bewildered, in a sex shop, wondering if you actually want or need a flogger, nipple clamps or a spreader bar, and feeling slightly inadequate for just fancying a nice plain vibrator and maybe some chocolate body paint, comfort yourself by remembering we are just mammals and nobody gives them a hard time for only wanting vanilla sex.
How strange that humans have evolved to a point where some of us need ever more exotic paraphernalia to spread our genetic code. Stranger still is the slight air of disdain, detectable in some, for boring old standard intercourse. It is hard being a human at such times, feeling the need to justify your preference for comfortable underwear and the missionary position, rather than a latex catsuit and a damn good flogging.
No one minds that our mammalian cousins are enjoying simple, unfettered ruttings. You don't get carloads of disappointed visitors to the safari park complaining that the giraffes just humped each other with no trace of ritual humiliation or rubberwear. David Attenborough doesn't comment in his hushed tones on BBC wildlife documentaries that "here we see the silverback gorilla, that most dominant of great apes - of course, if he were truly dominant he'd give his troop a damn good spanking, til their arses rival those of the baboons."
I've seen hogs being tied - they don't seem to find it particularly arousing and nobody expects them to.
So next time you read a kinky sex blog post and feel like you really ought to be inserting more and varied things into your bottom and buying more leather underwear, remember your animal instincts. Rabbits are going at it like rabbits, studs are at stud and the birds and the bees haven't a gimp mask between them.