Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Spanking the Monkey

"The pandas just won't mate, boss."

"You're sure it
is actually a boy and a girl panda this time?"

"Positive. They just won't get it on. They seem....uninspired, bored."

"If only they would use their bamboo
creatively! A few strokes of the cane and their sex lives would be on fire!"

It is a strange human quirk, the propensity for kink. With High Street shops now boasting Beginner's Bondage Kits and fur-lined handcuffs, it is becoming harder and harder to remain resolutely vanilla. It'll be pink maribou trimmed gas masks next in Ann Summers, you mark my words.

If you have ever stood, bewildered, in a sex shop, wondering if you actually want or need a flogger, nipple clamps or a spreader bar, and feeling slightly inadequate for just fancying a nice plain vibrator and maybe some chocolate body paint, comfort yourself by remembering we are just mammals and nobody gives them a hard time for only wanting vanilla sex.

How strange that humans have evolved to a point where some of us need ever more exotic paraphernalia to spread our genetic code. Stranger still is the slight air of disdain, detectable in some, for boring old standard intercourse. It is hard being a human at such times, feeling the need to justify your preference for comfortable underwear and the missionary position, rather than a latex catsuit and a damn good flogging.

No one minds that our mammalian cousins are enjoying simple, unfettered ruttings. You don't get carloads of disappointed visitors to the safari park complaining that the giraffes just humped each other with no trace of ritual humiliation or rubberwear. David Attenborough doesn't comment in his hushed tones on BBC wildlife documentaries that "here we see the silverback gorilla, that most dominant of great apes - of course, if he were truly dominant he'd give his troop a damn good spanking, til their arses rival those of the baboons."

I've seen hogs being tied - they don't seem to find it particularly arousing and nobody expects them to.

So next time you read a kinky sex blog post and feel like you really ought to be inserting more and varied things into your bottom and buying more leather underwear, remember your animal instincts. Rabbits are going at it like rabbits, studs are at stud and the birds and the bees haven't a gimp mask between them.

Kinky Beasts.....


Walker said...

I used to think all the whips, rubber gloves, cuffs....etc that they sold in those shops were for EX Con's looking to rekindle past passions.

In fact one morning in some strange woman's house I met the night before I got out of bed and went to the washroom but opened the wrong door and in there it was filled with all sorts of lether outfits and whips of all kinds.

I turned just then and told her that I couldn't see her any more because my parole officer told me not to hang out with EX Cons.

Boy was I wrong, Ex cons can't afford this stuff

Luka said...

Walker - I know, it's why I had to invent the LoCost Kink Kit. It's an expensive business maintaining an all leather lingerie drawer, let alone anything else.

Ms Robinson said...

Luka I think it's time for a serious competition to get you all fired up (and for me to enjoy your poetry). It will be based on Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales. I will announce in next couple of days. xx

Freddy said...

You may not see dogs (doggy style only) or lions (liony style only?), or giraffes (giraffey... ) or monkeys (monkeyey ....) indulging in a spot of spanking, nor indeed the reverse cowgirl.
variety is the spice of life, and as beings on a higher sentient plain are we not entitled to indulge in something a little different from time to time?

Luka said...

Ms R - a competition you say? Will I have to be up on my literature? I'm a bit (lot) of an oik, you know.

Freddy - well, you have a point, as ever. And I do believe the higher the intelligence the more likely it is for a species to have sex for pleasure not just for procreation. I read somewhere that dolphins masturbate with fish you know.

Native Minnow said...

I was told the other day that I "wouldn't make a very good top." I didn't know what that meant until she told me that she was a "switch" meaning that sometimes she liked to be tied up and other times liked to do the tying. She was right. I don't think I would make a good top.

Luka said...

Native Minnow - oh, that leaves me with so many "good bottom" one-liners I just don't know where to begin!

Ro said...

It wasn't so long ago that the chattering classes were claiming sotto voce that anal was the new black ... hmm ... a terribly mixed metaphor but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, it seems to me that BDSM is rapidly on the way to replacing anal in that role. Maybe we all have to give up our little kinks and return to good old-fashioned vanilla just to keep ahead?

Just so you know, I do like a chocolate flake with my vanilla ...

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'm just annoyed that my favorite flavor/smell, "Vanilla", has become symbolic with "normal" or mundane sex... while I agree "to each their own" and that Freddy is correct with saying we're all entitled to indulge from time to time, I think BDSM/Kink will eventually become mundane and boring... just like Vanilla Sex did. It's what humans do. Get bored... animals don't.

Lastly - those pictures of the teddy bears? CRACKING ME UP.

Luka said...

Ro - I know what you mean, mixed metaphor or no :) I agree, kink is becoming mainstream and soon there will be vanilla marches, with people in M&S nightwear parading through the streets of London and demanding equal rights.

(But where do you stick the flake?)

Anonymous Boxer - I have always thought it odd that vanilla is considered boring. It is not dull, it is subtle. That is quite an important distinction. For the non-jaded palate it is an exquisite flavour to savour.

Those teddy bears are great, aren't they? They are on my dresser in the kitchen. It is their safe space where they are free to live their alternate lifestyle without fear of judgement or oppression.

Sulpicia said...

OK... agreed. But I like a hot hand smacking my cold bottom.

Oh, just do with that what you will. I and my bottom are just too cold to care. Sniff.

(That's a genuine cold coming on.)

Freddy said...

Dolphins masturbate with fish?! I assume in much the same way as dogs masturbate with human legs?

Sexual experimentation seems to have been with us for ever - anal sex was hardly unknown in ancient greece, and Marat didn't write his book from a vacuum. The growth of t'interweb has, perhaps, broadened discussion of such things. (strike that 'perhaps') but the only truly new development I can think of in my sexually adventurous phase of the past 18 yrs is the growth in text, phone and cam-sex...

Oh, and remember that vanilla is just as much a flavour as chilli.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Well said, Freddy.

Luka said...

Sulpicia - cold bottom, warm heart.

Freddy - quite so, wise man.

Anonymous Boxer - seconded.

MonMouth said...

Dear Ms. Luka,

It has come to our attention that you specialise in animal sexification and hornymaking techniques. We would be much obliged if you could see fit to spend a couple of months overseeing recreational activities in our panda enclosure. Please bring the entire contents of your bottom drawer. We will supply as much bamboo as necessary.

Please get in touch at your earliest convenience to notify us of your availability and fees.

With kind regards,

Mon Hong Won

Chief of procreation
Feng Shui Zoo

Luka said...

Dear Master Mouth

I would be delighted to accept the position of Chief Panda Fluffer at Feng Shui Zoo. I should point out that my skills also extend to kinking up koalas and perving penguins. I shall, therefore, require a salary commensurate with my experience and expertise in this field, along with a crate of Pinot Grigio and all the bamboo I can handle.

I can start as soon as my community service ends, a week on Tuesday.

Yours sincerely

Dr Luka
Science Boffin
Windy Meadows Day Care Centre & Rehabilition Unit