Friday, 4 January 2008

Top Tips for Satirical Sex Bloggers

  1. Be offensive. Taking someone elses hard work and mocking it is a quick and easy route to satirical greatness.
  2. Hide your bitterness at not having a fabulous arse or unimpeded access to a cucumber by pointing and laughing at those who do. This will show everyone how very, very clever you really are.
  3. Pick a sex blogger to stalk. This will give greater depth to your satire and is a sign of genuine affection for your chosen one. It is not weird.
  4. Post about how nobody wishes to engage in proper conversation with you and remain perpetually mystified as to why this should be, despite the fact that you have been consistently offensive about those same people for quite some time.
  5. Be rude about those who post pictures of their bodily parts on their blogs and then do the same thing yourself. This is not hypocrisy, it's humourous.
  6. Be scathing about blogging awards whilst sighing and staring wistfully at the empty space on your metaphorical mantelpiece.
  7. Use a lot of swear words. Swearing is both big and clever and gets you noticed.
  8. Have a brawl in public if at all possible. Nothing is more welcoming to the new reader than to find you engaged in an acid-etched bitchfest in your comments box.
  9. When you run out of ideas (which won't take long) resort to poetry. Everyone loves a poem!
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible comic book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are infamous everywhere and try to get as much hate mail as you can. Post a few more pictures of your arse in clingfilm and if all else fails, invent your own satirical sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the sex bloggers will be green with envy. You can't fail!


Angela-la-la said...

I do love you so, Luka.

The first top tip post was relevant, intelligent and witty.

The second top tip post was intelligent and witty but more relevant to me as a woman and also hysterically satirical.

This one, however, is the piece de resistance. That you can openly place yourself on the same strata as your subjects and laugh just as loud and long shows brains and humour to such an extent it makes me want to cum a l l o v e r my own tits !

Fabulous massive but perky tits, obviously!

Luka said...

Angela-la-la - Thank you so much, I love you too! It is very important to me that I keep myself grounded and that everyone knows I don't consider myself above lampoonable behaviour.x

Midnight said...

You should hire yourself out as a conslutant (mispelling intended) to these people. They are getting your valuable advice for free right now! Think about it.

Luka said...

Midnight - it's a thought...but will people really pay for this kind of abuse? (Realises what she has just asked, straps on dominatrix kit and waits expectantly).

Jackie Adshead said...

Wonderful when you can take the piss out of yourself! (Perhaps it might come in useful next time you visit Waterstones?!)

Luka said...

Jackie - I am no longer allowed within 15 feet of a Waterstones. It will have to be WH Smiths.

Ms Robinson said...

This tips should serve as a warning to all new sex bloggers. I suspect (and hope) you have scared some off.
You should be invited on to Breakfast TV where you will provide rigorous critique of said blogs. I mean if the girl can get her ugly mug on Channel Four...

Luka said...

Ms R - I am a much under-utilised resource, it's true.