Thursday, 3 January 2008

Top Tips for Female Sex Bloggers

  1. Be vain. Refer to the gorgeousness of your own body at every opportunity and post photos of your naughty parts to back up these claims. Nothing screams self-assurance more than continual baiting for compliments.
  2. Ensure your blog is not perceived as just a series of smut posts by emphasising that you are on a journey. Some might assume it's a journey to the nearest budget hotel for a midweek fuckfest but it is down to you to inform them it is actually a journey to find yourself. (You could save time by looking for yourself in your nearest budget hotel, midweek, but that's a whole other top tip).
  3. Be innovative. Remember, until you posted a picture of a cucumber up your chuff no one else in the history of the universe, anywhere, knew such pleasure could be obtained from the humble salad drawer. Ditto BDSM, watersports, figging, etc. If you blogged it, you fucking invented it.
  4. Keep your readers enthralled by ensuring your innovative acts become ever more extreme. Begin by blogging about a jolly good fingering you had in the backseat of a Ford Fiesta one night and finish by posting about the time you were bound, spreadeagled, to the bookcase in Waterstones, with an aubergine in every orifice, weeing on your lover's cock while he spunked all over your shopping bag.
  5. And be sure to post a picture of it to back up your groundbreaking claims.
  6. Then close your blog in high dudgeon when not everybody agrees that this is a truly beautiful and evocative way to spend your lunch hour.
  7. If all else fails, post a personal trauma. Choose the most awful thing that has ever happened to you and blog it. The brutal power of such raw emotion will not be cheapened by posting about how much your new toy makes you cum just above it, or a picture of your arse underneath it. Emotions are good, but if your male readers can't find something to stroke off about on the same page, you are no longer desirable and therefore worthless.
  8. Review sex toys. No one else does that and it is endlessly fascinating to read about what you like to stuff up your bits.
  9. Only make online friends with the sycophantic. People with challenging opinions are not to be spoken to and their comments should be deleted.
  10. Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are listed everywhere and try to get as many award winning posts as you can. Post a few more naked self portraits and if all else fails, invent your own sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the sex bloggers will want to keep in with you. You can't fail!


Curvaceous Dee said...

Well, I can reassure myself that I not only female, but a female sex-blogger. It must be those reviews that did it!

Well done, Luka - a brilliant list :)

xx Dee

Marcelle Manhattan said...

Hey, I like posting pictures of my cleavage. It's not even that great, as cleavage goes, but naughty pictures are fun.

Second, just because I blog about stuff like watersports doesn't mean I think I invented it. In fact, I've talked about the history of watersports on my blog. Fetish sex is more interesting to me. And it's probably more interesting to my readers.

Third, I can't get anyone to disagree with me on my blog! At least, rarely. And when they do, it usually takes the form of a personal attack instead of an intelligent rebuttal. I would like more debate in my comment box, but people simply agree with me or disengage.

Fourth, I like your own invented sex blog award system. :)

Great post, Luka. I'm printing a hard copy of this one. :)

Jackie Adshead said...

Waterstones will never be the same again! - and would that be in the cookery section or the water sports section?

Love it! You're spot on, as ever, Luka!

puckrup said...

Gods, you're a breath of fresh air! I'm laughing out loud at this one...Waterstone's is never going to look quite the same, you scamp, you....

bittersweet me said...

i have a large supply of shopping bags, just in case.

have you noticed, tho', that the girls post pics of their OWN bits, while the men (with one to two delicious exceptions) don't post their own. Spoil sports.

i thought of another top tip too ... regularly allude to potential sex with your best girly blog friends in your comment box - something the boys never do!

having my cake said...

Yup, me, Bittersweet and Ange are all going to be indulging in lots of shameless treble entendres over the next few days so you'd better read all our blogs to keep up with the latest...

having my cake said...

Damn, I forgot! Im supposed to remonstrate with Wicked Bad Naughty Luka! Consider yourself chastised by both me and Ange... whilst Bittersweet watches

Luka said...

Curvaceous Dee - was there ever really any doubt as to your womanliness?

Marcelle - thank you kindly! The self awards thing is sheer genius, it's true :)

Jackie - I think it would have to be the extreme watersports section.

Puckrup - oh good, I do hope it effects you is a shopping bag soiling kinda way.

Bittersweet Me - that's a brilliant top tip! I can't believe I missed that one. Now sit on my lap and wriggle! x

Having My Cake - I never miss a posting, I can assure you. Ooh, chastise me good, my keyboard queens!

Flowering Jasmine said...

If i could i would. Post some pictures of my arse that is. However i am blond and quite thick so unable to work out how to post a picture. x

Luka said...

Jasmine - I am sure you will have technically competent men queueing up to assist you, especially if you let them see/take the photos first. x

EmmaK said...

Luka you are a goddess, the woman of my dreams. All so totally spot on!
Cucumber Lover

Luka said...

Cucumber Lover - is it one of your 5-a-day?

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Luka said...

Palak - thanks, it *is* prestigious, isn't it?