- Be vain. Refer to the gorgeousness of your own body at every opportunity and post photos of your naughty parts to back up these claims. Nothing screams self-assurance more than continual baiting for compliments.
- Ensure your blog is not perceived as just a series of smut posts by emphasising that you are on a journey. Some might assume it's a journey to the nearest budget hotel for a midweek fuckfest but it is down to you to inform them it is actually a journey to find yourself. (You could save time by looking for yourself in your nearest budget hotel, midweek, but that's a whole other top tip).
- Be innovative. Remember, until you posted a picture of a cucumber up your chuff no one else in the history of the universe, anywhere, knew such pleasure could be obtained from the humble salad drawer. Ditto BDSM, watersports, figging, etc. If you blogged it, you fucking invented it.
- Keep your readers enthralled by ensuring your innovative acts become ever more extreme. Begin by blogging about a jolly good fingering you had in the backseat of a Ford Fiesta one night and finish by posting about the time you were bound, spreadeagled, to the bookcase in Waterstones, with an aubergine in every orifice, weeing on your lover's cock while he spunked all over your shopping bag.
- And be sure to post a picture of it to back up your groundbreaking claims.
- Then close your blog in high dudgeon when not everybody agrees that this is a truly beautiful and evocative way to spend your lunch hour.
- If all else fails, post a personal trauma. Choose the most awful thing that has ever happened to you and blog it. The brutal power of such raw emotion will not be cheapened by posting about how much your new toy makes you cum just above it, or a picture of your arse underneath it. Emotions are good, but if your male readers can't find something to stroke off about on the same page, you are no longer desirable and therefore worthless.
- Review sex toys. No one else does that and it is endlessly fascinating to read about what you like to stuff up your bits.
- Only make online friends with the sycophantic. People with challenging opinions are not to be spoken to and their comments should be deleted.
- Remember, it's not just a bit of fun. You are doing this for the hits, for the possible book deal. Don't just take a laid back approach to it all. Make sure you are listed everywhere and try to get as many award winning posts as you can. Post a few more naked self portraits and if all else fails, invent your own sex blog award system so you can win every week and all the sex bloggers will want to keep in with you. You can't fail!
Thursday, 3 January 2008
Top Tips for Female Sex Bloggers
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It's a good question, one that remains both unasked and unanswered. I found myself back in here by chance. A random comment on Facebo...
The sex blogger now known as Bert Was demanding and terribly curt I said "where's your class?" He said "up your arse&q...